To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

Bump

You are trying to make a general point about something only said in specific situations. The step dad point doesn't contradict the argument, it's said to essentially tell people there are options other than tying to change a deadbeat. You can spend too much of your time chasing an impossible dream, it can drain you dry, and there is power in saying enough.

my niece has the most horrible dad who makes her feel like shit every time he decides to come into her life (every few years) This is defo not better than having no contact with him

You've obviously never experienced a excited child sat waiting on the stairs to go out for a icecream, or the zoo or even swimming and her dad decided he'd just rather not, or forgets their birthday, or sods off for months at at a time then decides he feels like being a parent again. The tears, upset and endless letdowns. I'd rather he just never bothered than a ton of broken promises, her holding a fathers day card she made and he never turned up. So yes I'd rather no dad than a crap one. ( he completely changed after her birth) as a teenager she stopped bothering at all.

Would you want a man in your life who said he was taking you somewhere, so you got ready, sat waiting, and he didn't turn up?
Who hid how much money he had so he didn't have to buy things you needed?
Who would turn up, tell you you were 'his world', show you his new tattoo of your name, then disappear for a month?
Who had a drink problem? Or you had to visit in prison?
If you think no, I'd run a mile from that load of red flags. You can probably get an idea why people don't want it for their children.

Well I think it depends on the degree of crapness. Even if the behaviour falls below the level of abuse do you think it’s great for your children’s whole brain development to be molded by someone sub par. You want them to learn to accept a crap partnership? Dads don’t do nappies, dads don’t cook dinner, dads don’t know how the washing machine works. ( I mean I don’t know what types of things you mean exactly ). In think maybe in some cases the poverty would be so severe as a single parent that a slightly shit dad who earns money is the lesser of the two evils.

Not abusive dads, I think you missed that bit

I have

Do you have a good dad op? Because if so I can see why you feel this way. The only positive from having a shit dad is you DONT have that feeling that you maybe missed out on a good dad. What I AM left with is the wondering if how life would have been if he'd not been shit or pissed off earlier. Life is messy and I'm 43 and I've not spoken to him other than at my mums funeral in around 20 years. I can look at his life as a child and the man went through a lot and there's reason to believe he had serious undiagnosed mental health issues and probably underlying nejrodivergence. I'm old enough now to accept the harm he caused me was collateral damage. But the trauma of have been spared by not going through that may have made me a whole different person and my own life easier, who knows.

But yeah there are instances where no dad is not the worst case scenario and they don't even have to be all that extreme. However my mum was amaIng in so many ways yet still flawed and fallible like we all are. Oad give my right arm to have her back. However when those with toxic mothers tell me they are better off no contact I have to assume they know better than me.

I think I read some research that found girls do better but boys don’t, which makes sense to me.

When is this ever said about Dad's who aren't abusive? Or is it just you don't accept the dad you're hearing about is abusive?

I don’t understand your logic, you acknowledge being rejected can be incredibly painful but you still think that’s better than no dad? You are the one being too simplistic here.

Im in this situation myself and yes people have said no dad is better

When I say no dad is better than a crap dad, I am thinking about abuse. There are no thoughts of step-fathers.

You can’t ignore the abuse category. It’s shockingly common and children live with the consequences for their entire lives.

It’s impossible to agree/disagree with you as it really depends on what we are defining as ‘crap’.

Yes being abandoned completely and never bothered with again can be extremely painful

But you think a shit Dad, as long as he’s not abusive is ok? What do you define as abusive? I didn’t say he was but he makes her feel like shit because he’s not a nice person and blatantly doesn’t care, that is NOT better than an absent father. Any Dad who wants to be there and isn’t a prick is of course better than non, but you’re saying that a bad dad is better than none and that’s not the case

My father is dead im not talking about him.

Are you the dad? Or the mum watching it happen?

What are you experiencing? What is making people say no dad is better?

If he's late to pick ups sometimes, over works and isn't great with child support then that's a bit shit but not in a way that effects the child.

If he's showing up to collect her drunk, palming her off on others, can't remember her birthday and is verbally abusive to you at drop off probably better off without him

You said he was horrible. Im not regretting to “horrible” dads just ones who are a bit inconsistent not ones that are horrible to the child, that would be different.

Being ditched every time dad gets a better offer on a weekend can be incredibly painful also, waiting for them to show up and then never do because they can’t be arsed with you. You clearly don’t have much first hand experience

My dad HATED his dad. Would always make promises to do stuff, all of the five kids waiting on the step for this man to pick them up and take them to the seaside and who then never bothered. My dad's middle name is the same as his dad's first name and he hates it. When his dad died it was a direct cremation (unusual in 1963) and to this day my dad can't remember what they did with the ashes. He HATED him, he was a horrible dad, a poor provider (despite coming from a rich family) and basically a waste of space. My dad very much thinks that no dad would have been better than the incompetent pig he was landed with.

I do but thats solved by not telling the kids when they are coming since thats the advice given now a days.

The advice now is to not tell the kids when they are coming therefore they won’t sit there waiting.

A dad worth having, wouldn't leave.
So if they have left, I would find it hard to believe they'd be worth having around anyway.