To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

What do you mean about ‘the advice now’? The way you phrase it I assume you are referring to peer reviewed, scientific research conducted by experts in child development. Please tell me you aren’t referring to the opinions of some posters on Mumsnet???

You jumped the shark ages ago OP but this is really the clincher. No-one in the world is such a doormat they’d defend someone who treated them so badly.

This thread is such obvious bait 🙄 I’ll eat my hat if the author has children, a deadbeat ex, or a vagina.

Clearly you are speaking from a position of privilege and have never seen the absolute carnage a crap dad can unleash of his partner and kids.

I know boys whose lives would have unmeasurably better if their mothers had blocked access to their criminal father.

I’ve already said ive been in both situations

I think the difference is my ex never had any set days or times anyway as he refused to stick to any (he said every 2 weeks but that was rarely stuck to) so my kids new he wasn’t reliable and didnt sit at the door waiting for him. He was a as and when father

That’s alright then. As long as they expect him to be a shit dad, it won’t affect them when he’s a shit dad by your logic.

Being bothered with intermittently, inconsistently and half arsedly can also be very painful.

At least when they're gone you know where you are.

I agree with you And I have pondered on this myself. Myself and my brother were those kids waiting for Dad to turn up and sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn’t. Then our mum stopped us from seeing him. He then left the country and passed away. My DB is full of hatred and anger towards our Mum and he’s now in his 40s. He still lives with her and he’s just awful and I do wonder if she regrets her decision. Things could have been different. I do very much wish she hadn’t done that and I was able to see him despite how inconsistent he was. I missed out on that relationship and then it was too late. I don’t hold that resentment against my mum, but as a result, I have never ever stopped my child seeing their dad, Never used our kid as a weapon, And have always actively encouraged a relationship, even when he was an absolute arse to me.

My dad was a crap dad. I'd rather have had no dad. I grew up feeling unwanted, inconvenient, less than. He is still a crap dad, and a crap grandad. So he isn't in my children's lives because I know they're better off without him. He wasn't abusive. He just didn't give a shit.

Would you not have still grown up feeling like that if he wasn’t involved though?

Thank you for sharing that, I totally agree and have a very similar story with my own father, he has since died and I am very sad for all the wasted years.

Basically yes,
dont expect much from him and take him as he is then you won’t be disappointed

And you expect us to believe you think a man like this is not a bad man?

Do you? My son said to me once he thought his dad was dead when he was younger, he couldn’t understand why else his father wouldnt want to see him. I never said he was dead, never once, but kids make up things in their own mind to explain the absence. How do you explain to a kid someone just doesn’t want to see you?

I mean not a bad man like the other posters ex who would deliberately tell the kids he was coming to see them then not show up, my ex didnt make any promises because he knew he wouldn’t stick to them, if he said he was coming down he wouldn’t say when.

So you do recognise your fictional ex is a bad man overall, just not in the specific context of making and breaking promises about when he’ll come?

Well I would be deluded if I said he was great, hes a crap dad and im not denying that, I just think it’s better than being absent. If kids accept them for who they are.

Define “crap”.
My biological father would look “crap” on paper but crap is enough to do untold damage.

I cut him off years ago and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And why should they accept them for who they are? They didn’t ask to be born to that person.

I'm old, one of the only kids in my class at secondary school with divorced parents to start with. I remember a particularly horrible god-squaddy type assembly about this and how we should savour the relationships we have with living relatives. I walked out, sobbing, at 11 years old as the life-long trauma of having a half-present parent was breaking me.

Unfortunately the same has happened to my kids, their dad stopped seeing them regularly when they were around 9 and 6, and they've had so much counselling to try and deal with the 'im not worthy and my dad doesn't love me' issues that I faced at their age.

Bereavement is awful. I cannot deny that. And the constant feeling of a much-loved parent missing from every aspect of your life due to their death is unimaginable. Their is no comparison of the depth of grief. But their death is a one-off event, that must be grieved and processed, somehow, alongside that feeling of missing your life. My kids (and I, when younger) have those feelings every single time he lets them down. Their behaviour escalates, they use me to unload their anger/grief/anxiety, until the next time he promises a meet up - they get their hopes up only to be dashed again and again. I truly believe that if their dad just simply fucked off my kids would be so much better off emotionally.

There are many things you can do to be considered a ‘bad man’. Abandoning them for 3 years is one. Refusing to pay for their upkeep is another. Being unreliable and flitting in and out of their lives is another.

And that’s why? Because he is the only father they will ever have and they won’t get a new one.

You explain exactly that: your dad is alive and has chosen not to be in contact with you. Kids deserve the truth.

They already knew that, well not as harsh as that, but my son said when he was a kid he thought his dad had died, he obviously didn’t want to believe he just chose not to see him. Thats what I mean. He thought there must be some other explanation, he didn’t tell me this till years later but he use to say the kids at school asked why he didn’t have a dad.

They don't have a father though as harsh as that sounds. This man sounds at most a sperm donor. If something had happened to you in the 3 years he was gone would he have taken on their care? Could he take it on tomorrow if you got hit by a car? He doesn't even have beds for them and has never financially provided. He can go years at the most without seeing them. Even weeks for a real parent is unfathomable. Being blood related does not make someone a father on my opinion.