To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

No not a decade, we split a decade ago hes been in and out since then. Last contact 3 years ago

Kids want to see him though so do you suggest I tell them they can’t? Which proves my point even if absent kids want a relationship with their parent so who am I to stand in the way

Parents make the decision that they believe to be in the best interests of their children.

If they wanted to go see a random man down the road do they also get to decide that? Do they get to decide if their dad has been paying maintenance or not?

You haven't been standing in the way is the point, this man has not been bothered for years at which point you're responsible for your child and their best interests to decide and you wouldn't be wrong to tell your child this man has gone X amount of years not bothering to make contact and you're concerned he will be unreliable and inconsistent as well as being unable to assess if he's safe to be around him as he's almost a stranger.

And kids dont always thank you for that, my kids are old enough to decide they are not toddlers.

What was the arrangement from split until 3 years ago how regularly was he seeing them and did he pay any maintenance in that time? Why hasn't he made any contact with them for 3 years? How do you know for example he hasn't been in prison in this time ? Does he have other children he's is NC with?

You don't seem to be considering much except that out of the blue he wants to see them. Would you be able to even 3 days not contacting your children or enquiring as to their welfare?

He does not have other children, not been to prison, he doesn’t pay maintenance but I don’t want or need the money anyway, I prefer to not take anything from him if he doesn’t want to see them, previous arrangements was him seeing them every 2 weeks for the day but he wouldn’t stick to it.

How do you know though if you've been split and NC for years...? So he's never wanted to financially contribute to these children so they've been disadvantaged and he's never been consistent in seeing them and then went AWOL for 3 years. Once every 2 weeks is no effort and he couldn't stick to that..? You keep making out people are being negative because "people can change" but how exactly has he changed? Has he given a reasonable explanation of why he hasn't been in contact for 3 years (not that I can think of a reasonable reason) and why he suddenly wants contact?

You may not want or need the money but it’s not for you, it’s for your children.

Im not claiming money if he isn’t seeing them, if he wants to buy them stuff when he sees them he can. Some contact is better than nothing is what im saying even if it’s crap, my kids have clearly been affected by his absent so something is better than nothing

Why don't you understand that the point of maintenance is because they aren't seeing them I.e. not providing care for them or covering their expenses? CMS even encourages contact as the more they see them the less they pay. You say something is better than nothing but holding this man to the baaaare minimum of "something" and avoiding everyone's lived experiences where your attitude has harmed the kids because you're so pro father even when that father isn't seeing or providing for his kids at all.

So you think it’s better to have a dad that you constantly question if they actually love you? Knowing they put themselves/other people above you? Asking yourself what have you done to deserve this treatment? That you must be an awful person because your father, who should love you no matter what, obviously doesn’t?
My children don’t have a father because he died when they were small. I thought they may have a father figure in a family friend (not romantically involved, he is a relative’s partner) until he hit my son - that was the end of that.
While I think my son in particular has definitely suffered from not having a strong role model, the one man he was close to severely let down at age 17, a man who he really counted on and respected. I don’t think he’s ever recovered. It took him two years to even talk to him about what happened and they no longer are in contact as it ruined something within my son forever. I do truly wish he’d never met this man - and exactly the same if it had been his actual father. To destroy a young persons confidence, to have them feel betrayed, to make them question a relationship they thought was special - how could an adult do that? They don’t deserve the love of a child. And any child deserves so much more than bits and pieces and broken promises.

We've had the lived experience, hes been in and out and he has also been absent, absent is much worse for kids.

I will be interested to hear how your kids are doing in a few years time.

I am sure they DO wnat to see him.
I'm equally sure they think that now things will be better and he'll be more reliable and mroe consistent. And that you'll be picking up the pieces when he disappears again.

For your kids, maybe.
It sounds like people in your life are telling you not to allow your ex back in. I’m sure they have their reasons for that. But if you’re confident in your decision making then explain your reasoning to them.
Incidentally, if he comes back into their lives and then disappears again, will you be glad that he came back for that brief time, or would you rather he’d just stayed away completely?

You sound a LOT like my SIL. When he was around he was erratic and unreliable. He routinely used the DC in his attempts to punish her etc etc. He'd disappear for days/weeks, then reappear. He'd tell the DC how sad he was, how mean mumme was y was etc etc. Then he disappeared for 3 months. Completely. When he reappeared, she let him back in. Of course.

Then he disappeared completely for 6 months. No where to be seen. Not a christmas message or call. Very very occassionally he would respond to a text message the DC sent him... .but usually to tell them off.

Then he reappeared. She decided that of course, it was better if the DC saw him and spent time with him. He was "sorry" etc etc.

Cue 6 more months of him causing arguments - with her, with MIL, with the school, with school parents. It was endless. Lots of arguments with the DC. Lots of whining because when he saw them he'd be unpleasant then he'd complain because they didn't want to see him.

Currently, they're in a relatively "stable" period. But we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop. SIL is oblivius. The creep has already started so we know it will happen soon - eg, he's back to being CONSTANTLY in her space (she had all these boundaries abou thim not spending time in her house. Then not spending time in her house when she is there. Now he's just there all the time) and the summer holidays are coming up so that's going to be a source of friction.

But sure, it's better if he's in their life. Absolutely. So much better. Pity the DC's behaviour doesn't seem to reflect that. Htye become more and more unpleasant to be around, combined with an increasing level of anxiety, by the day.

Tbf to him he is absolutely nothing like that

But op saying that is very different than meaning it. Obviously those women find it hard being apart from their kids but recognise that the dad needs to have a role. I think most parents would find only having access to their children half the week really upsetting- that's natural and normal. Obviously there are other significant challenges to being a lone parent but flippant comments like that really mean nothing unless they're acting on it. Which from your description- they aren't. Sometimes as a lone parent I think God if i had shared custody I could go out and take up a hobby and have time for myself in a week, but then I think I'd really miss ds and therein lies the rub. Neither option is easy and it's a case of grass being greener..I envy my sisters ability to have nights out with her friends, she envies that I never have to miss my son because he's always with me. Unless someone is actively using that as an excuse and refusing to allow any contact that's a meaningless comment.

I'd also seriously question why you or your ex think it's remotely acceptable that he's brought children into this world and doesn't feel the need to contribute financially to their provision and be accountable and responsible in that way. Whether or not you can make ends meet alone is neither here nor there. Any decent man would be insisting on paying towards his children or at the very least have a savings account for them building with the cms you've refused to take. I'd judge any man doing that far harsher than a woman who doesn't want to be seperated from her kids.

You shouldn’t have to claim money, a good dad would volunteer it.

You have clearly not seen the damage an inconsistent dad does to a child.

My 3 DC are all adults now but 1 of my DC refused to celebrate a birthday for over 10 years after sitting watching and waiting for her dad to turn up as he promised on her 6th birthday.

The disappointment when they make another empty promise and let them down again, each time hurts as much as the 1st time. The constant questioning why aren't I enough to be his priority. All she ever wanted was him to pick her up from school even that was too much apparently.

Their dad is now deceased and although that brings its only heartache and pain at least the rejection every week was over.

I can honestly say no dad is far better than a crap dad

My dad left when I was 6 and it was probably the only good decision he ever made.

Contact continued for a little while sporadically but as some pp have said, my mum always had to pick up the pieces when he couldn't be bothered to show up.

Once he kept me waiting at the window for hours looking for his car, only for his new side piece to then call the house phone on his behalf to say he wasn't coming, wouldn't in fact be coming any more, because he didn't want me.

Having no dad rather than that sad excuse for a man has made my life infinitely easier and better. It also improved my relationship with my mum.

I do not have a dad. He is still alive, but he's no dad of mine. There's a blank space on my marriage certificate where his name should be.

It's very obvious that OP does not actually think the dc's father has any actual responsibility. She's quite happy for him to swan in and out. And perhaps her children see hin as just a fun uncle who turns up occassionally. Let's hope.

The bar is so low so often and, too often, it's being held that low by the women who have their children.

Yes when he sees them he can spend it on them

my ex has been inconsistent but no father has been worse

Yes basically this