To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

But that’s not really the point, he should be volunteering to support them to have a roof over their heads/food on their table/clothes on their backs. He’s their father, he’s 50% responsible for their welfare.

But they’d have that whether he paid or not.

That’s not the point. If you don’t need the money, put it into savings for them. If he was a good dad and a decent man, he would provide that money.

Do you want to teach your kids to accept this level of shit from their relationships? You’re genuinely happy for them to grow up thinking this is what love looks like, to accept the bare minimum?

whats The alternative? Learn that the person who was half responsible for bringing you into the world wants nothing to do with you? What on earth does that teach them? That’s gonna leave someone seriously messed up. Causes all sorts of daddy issues and abandonment issues and issues of feeling not good enough.

So I guess they’re going to have issues either way, because of him.

I would take no dad over a crap dad every time.

The alternative is that your children could grow up with boundaries, learning what love looks like and what it doesn’t, what to accept and what they deserve far far more than.

Their dad fucked off for years, they already will have abandonment issues, and not feeling good enough. That ship has well and truly sailed.

I don't get how you're not seeing that's already the case? Except that someone who stayed consistent in staying away could be explained as respecting the child's best interests by staying away rather than this man who wants nothing to do with them for years at a time. If he now makes contact and stops again for 3 years do you not think that will be super damaging? They already know this man isn't interested in maintaining contact nor is he interested in their financial wellbeing, the daddy issues are magnified by someone who comes and goes but you don't wanna hear it.

See, I can't believe you're genuinely the mother in this situation and say things like this about your own child's welfare. You don't think this man owes your kids to be consistent and responsible? 🫠

Haven't read the whole thread, but will go back and do so.

Personally, I found it much easier when ex stopped bothering altogether, than when he turned up as and when it suited him. It's all very well saying "don't tell them he's meant to be coming" but that doesn't work in the real world. DC knew they went to their Dads on Saturdays. So when he started being flaky they noticed. Plus you can't plan anything (with or without DC) if you don't know until the last minute if you'll have them.

Yes, seeing the pain of them being fully rejected is awful. But the repeated rejection was like death by a thousand cuts.

Paying maintenance for his children isn't a reward for seeing them. It is fulfilling his responsibility to his children. It's his duty. He shouldn't just swan in and out of their life when he feels like it and take no interest or responsibility for their welfare. Behaving like a great hero paying for tests etc
You haven't said how old your children are but I find it very strange that you as their mother is making countless excuses for their irresponsible father.

Yeah but that’s because it’s easier for you as the mum, most mums dont want their ex around

Nothing to do with being easier for me. I would have loved him around, for the children. Not me. Ffs

As if it's ever "easier" to be a lone parent 😂 This has to be a reverse at this point. No actually mother carrying this load on her own plus the burden of worrying about the emotional impact the situation is having on them genuinely believes this manosphere / deadbeat dad trope that women choose to deny their children access to a father for their own benefit. Every mother I know on this situation is heartbroken for their kids.rhatbtheir dad is shit, they don't wish their ex wasn't around.

Well, i guess at least you know your bar is low and expectations even lower.

What a load of misogynistic bull.You sound like a mens rights activist.

Actually I think you will find lots of mums say it’s easier when their ex isnt around, yes easier for you but not for the kids.

No they don't tbh they may say as PP did it's easier then the in and out and constant messing the kids about but it's never easy to see your kids suffer and have a shit farm and it's never easy to raise kids alone.

Is there a reason why you think all mums are X and you're not somehow?

Not at all, I don’t like or agree with dead beat dads I just think some mums are very against dads and dismiss how important they are to children.

Im only speaking about the mums I have openly seen saying they wish their kids dad wasnt around as it would be “easier” even ones that say they are good dads but they don’t like having to “share” their child, well use a donor then!

It was "easier" when ex wasn't stopping because I could make plans that i knew wouldn't be cancelled last minute. I could book holidays/clubs/days out/accept party invites without worrying that he would decide he did want to see them that week/claiming I blocked contact if I told him they were busy
It was easier because my DC weren't crying every week wondering why Daddy didn't turn up again.

The day to say grind, only decision maker, only person earning money, unable to have a bath/poo unaccompanied was brutal.

HTH

I’d still do all that stuff though, he can work around us especially if someone is inconsistent why cancel plans for them

That's a straw man nothing to do with your situation though so why are you extrapolating that to lone mums with no support that they prefer it that way and are anti dad?

But your kids dad is a dead beat dad and you’re still here trying to convince people how good he is for your poor kids😂