To not believe no dad is better

[NotConvincedd]

I often hear people say "no dad is better than a crap dad", and I'm not sure I completely agree.
What strikes me is that a lot of the people who say this then go on to explain that their child has an amazing stepdad who's raised them as his own. But that's not really the same as having no father figure at all, is it?
To be clear, I'm not talking about abusive fathers in those situations, no contact is obviously the better option. I'm thinking more about fathers who are unreliable, inconsistent, or just a bit rubbish.
My thoughts are that for many children, some sort of relationship is better than none. It's often said children who grow up with absent fathers tend to have worse outcomes overall, and most children seem to want a relationship with their parent, even if that parent isn't perfect. Being rejected or feeling unwanted can be incredibly painful and I think a lot of people are dismissive of how hurtful this can be.
AIBU to think that "no dad is better than a crap dad" is often too simplistic?

But that's not what you said. You said they wouldn't leave, which generally refers to the marriage/family home.

In many cases it's the father who tells the child they are coming and then don't turn up. But also it's not the mothers responsibility to lie to the child and make excuses for their irresponsible fathers.

I disagree with you. I think that a parent coming in and out of a child’s life and never really making any sort of an effort with them will leave the child feeling like they aren’t good enough and that the parent dropping contact again is the child’s fault for not being good enough, or clever enough or cute enough.

But it’s such an individualistic thing. You might believe that your children won’t be as emotionally damaged if you encourage contact from their father in dribs and drabs before he stops bothering for another six months. Hopefully your children won’t disavow you of that notion as they grow up.

And you don’t think they still think that If they go forever? My son said to me once he is surprised his father never tried to find him on Roblox because he knew his user name, which shows he was hoping to be contacted. Believe it or not most kids will want to feel wanted by their parent.

That’s really sad. I hope he stays committed this time. I’d want to meet him first a chat to explain the impact he has on the children. Every child wants to have their parents in their life.
He realise when he grows up. 🥹
I have seen many friends who had decent relationships until they break up before he fecks off.

Often wishful thinking, I think.
It's simply a statistical fact that stepparents are hundreds of times more likely to be abusive than natural parents.
I have rarely met anyone with a step parent Including myself who experience no abuse of any kind from them.
Parents are hardwired to favour children genetically related to them, no amount of argument can change that.

How do you know he’s changed? What has he done to prove it?

I had a step dad and he was fantastic!

Thats why I won’t be rushing anything and he will need to prove consistency first.

How do you prove consistency though?

Surely that involves allowing him back into your kids lives to an extent and if he then fails to follow through you realise their hopes have been raised and then let down? How many times do you expect your kids to go through that and be okay?

Of course most seperated parents sort out custody between them, where its safe and amicable enough to do so.

To be honest you say you just aren't anti-fathers but you are actually coming across anti-mother in your posts. Do you really believe that most women who decline contact between their ex and children are just spiteful? When you consider the rates of domestic abuse being 1 in 4 women in the UK? The prevalence of substance misuse or significant ill mental health? I feel like most women who block contact are doing it because they have very legitimate concerns for their child's safety and the women who do that out of spite are in the significant minority. Being a lone mother is very tough I don't think anyone chooses to do it alone if there's a willing and appropriate co parent available there.

Actually when a lot of women find out my kids father isnt involved i get “wow you’re so lucky” “wish my kids dad wasnt involved” then when you think oh was he abusive you get told no I just hate having to share them! I just want them to myself! I think wow it’s clear there are women out there that just don’t want their ex around.

and how I prove consistency that will be starting with phone calls and emails to begin with, at set times a week.

I hope, for your children's’ sakes, that he has changed.

Well if he hasn’t at least there won’t be any great mystery surrounding him

But he won’t be having any physical contact until he’s shown he is consistent with phone calls and messages

I’m struggling to believe a woman has written this thread. Your view is so simplistic and focussed on giving the dad a chance rather than what’s right for the children, who deserve a stable settled life with people who value them enough to not dip in and out of their lives.

Are you still in love with him and hoping you’ll get back together? Absent fathers absolutely damage children but so do flakey unreliable men.

In love with him 😆 weve been separated a decade

This is how much women dont want the dads involved they have to believe that ones who do only want them involved because they are in love with them

🤣 You know nothing about me. But there must be some reason you’re so against other mothers and so pro useless dads. It isn’t even about what is fair to either parent, it’s about what’s best for the children.

And the children want to see their father?

Surely it's the dads that fail to show up that are showing that they don't feel it's important to their kids to know them or understand that side of their history?

Your son asking why his dad didn't add him on Roblox is exactly the point - he knew his dad could get it touch whenever he wanted (as you've made abundantly clear) and that he had chosen not to.

You've been very clear that you wouldn't stop the kids dad from seeing them, yet he has chosen not to see them for long enough that you no longer trust him with them alone or overnight.

But he won’t be having any physical contact until he’s shown he is consistent with phone calls and messages

So if he proves that he isn't consistent with calls or messages, then he won't have physical contact with them? As in, you will prevent him from seeing them, even if he still says he wants to, if he keeps letting them down?

Which is exactly what everybody is saying?!?!?!

No I don’t want him to have them overnight for my own reasons, if he doesn’t stick with consistent contact them will we stick to phone calls and emails till he is able to because as I said kids want contact with their parents even if it is just emails or calls, some contact is better than nothing at all, that was my point. Better than nothing.

I would say that a father who repeatedly proves that he doesn't give enough of a shit about his kids to keep in contact with them beyond occasional emails or phone calls is an absent dad.

If he won't do what is necessary to be in their lives, then having their dad as an unreliable pen pal won't save them from the consequences of his choice not to see them, whether you choose to define him as absent or not.

If we're accepting unreliable, inconsistent and just a bit rubbish as ok in fathers is it also acceptable behavior in mother's or are the mothers expected to go into overdrive to make up for the father's rubbish behavior?

And has it been a whole DECADE that he hasn't been in this kids life?! Jesus wept, poor child

Of course kids want their parents...but how is this man a parent other than being biologically related? He's never parented them. I think it's sad you're basically willing to chance your kids getting hurt which is guaranteed after him not caring to see them in years and are already saying you will maintain inconsistent contact when he proves himself unreliable. Your son has already put the simplest 2+2 together than his dad knows how to contact him and he hasn't, even when it wouldn't even take any effort to have messaged him on an online game, literally zero effort. He's coming back to stroke his ego and see if you'll accommodate him on demand and getting exactly what he wants.and will vanish again once his ego is full and the burden of being consistent becomes real, so so sad.