To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

I think it would be different if it were just her and him. But her plus four young relatives?

And you can't pretend an older man / younger woman isn't different.

Exactly.

She's also teaching her young relatives a really, really important life skill - how to socialise with someone who is outside your usual circle. Invaluable in so many areas of life, and something often badly lacking.

I suppose to me if you want to offer someone something like this out of the goodness of your heart there shouldn't really be strings attached.

No one ever just offers something like this "out of the goodness of their heart". There are always strings. OP is just being honest about what those strings are.

Why on earth would you think that?

Perhaps the favour isn't just the accommodation but what he learns from the arrangement.

I think it's a test of character. If someone can't even be bothered to repay entirely free accommodation with one evening a week making polite conversation with the person who is providing it for them it doesn't bode well for their future success in life.

I guess technically teaching someone good manners and life skiils is "controlling", but you could say that about teaching anything.

I think you should charge him rent and spend the money on therapy.

I agree.

I think that I owe my well paid and rewarding career ( and many other good things in my life ) to the fact that I was taught as a young adult to be able to make conversation with people. To the fact that I can build connections with people. I was taught these skills in situations just like this.

To put it another way - OP is giving two gifts to her young relatives. The first is free accommodation. The second is how to talk to people. It's the second one that will really set them up for life.

It's not one day though. It's one evening. And maybe if he had attended 50% or more then OP wouldn't be posting. He's done something like 2 or 3 all year. That's barely 10%>

@OooPourUsACupLove we are probably going to help DC onto the property ladder, I will not be adding conditions to our gift, like having to come to us every Sunday for lunch.

this is so fucking weird 😂

I bet you'd be a bit miffed if they accepted then only bothered seeing you once in 10 months though.

Just because you don't admit your expectations doesn't mean you don't have them.

Out of interest, to compare like with like, are you planning to gift a house deposit to a nephew?

Parents paying for University accommodation for their children, letting them live at home for free while at University or or helping them get on the housing ladder is pretty standard behaviour for parents with the financial means to do this.

An aunt providing free accommodation for her nephew is much less common. Eating one meal at week with his aunt isn't particularly onerous and if he missed a few due to other commitments I'm sure OP wouldn't mind, but agreeing to this arrangement and then backing out of it, while still expecting rent-free accommodation is rude.

OP still allowed him to stay in his free caravan until the end of the University year but is now ending the arrangement. I think she's been very fair.

Yes - she actually says in the previous thread that she's not bothered if they don't attend because they have something else on.

It sounds like she just wants them to make an effort. He's clearly not.

When I was a student I'd have loved lazy weekend days to nurse a hangover. But I was working, so I could pay my rent!

I can see your perspective @TipJarTroubadours I think coming together once a week means it’s not just someone using you for free space but a relationship where you get to spend time with one another. To me it’s a basic courtesy and probably lots of families have some sort of unwritten expectations. The only difference is that you have made it explicit which (as someone who hates unspoken expectations) personally I think is kinder and fairer.

Hold firm in September. I think he has been really disrespectful.

I'm not saying she's forcing him, I'm just wondering why she'd want someone at dinner that doesn't really want to be there.

If he doesn't like her enough to be there, then he shouldn't be accepting her offer of accomodation!

Me too 😆 My dd would happily go and also offer to do stuff to help out.

Put it this way. No one really gives anything big away for free. However, it's really common, across cultures, for older people to help out younger family members. It's almost never to strangers, though - it's to family or someone who has some type of connection or cause to the giver.

Eating together is a really common way, again across cultures, to build family bonds. You need to spend time with people in order to get to know them.

By refusing to join the dinners, OP's nephew is refusing that social role as a family member.

Which just makes him some random person welching off OP.

Absolutely agree with @Arlanymor

He agreed to your terms, so should stick to them.

My therefore irrelevant opinion on your rule is that it’s controlling and cringey.

Life is full of "enforced socialisation". You cannot get anywhere without it.

And making it not cringey and weird is kind of a key life skill.

Yes this!

This.
He accepted the very generous offer with this condition.
It
He has chosen to break the agreement so absolutely do not renew in September.

Your condition may be a little odd, but they had a choice to reject it and didn't.

So I think yanbu.

But she literally is lady bountiful, and he should show gratitude in the way he previously agreed to.

If he doesn't like it, he can treat her as non-lady bountiful and pay money like a normal tenant.