To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

Sure. But it's not a coincidence that the families that maintain generational wealth are the ones that understand being part of the family carries duties as well as perks.

And I don't think the OP has said there's no flexibility at all, what's she's angry about is that he is simply not bothering to keep to the commitment he was happy to make to get his mitts on free accommodation.

@HeathenPlayingHouse thing with Gilmore girls is that they hate going to Friday dinner, they go as a duty. I would hate to hod a dinner every week for someone who hated being there.

The Gilmore GPs are all about how lovely they are to help out their grandchild, It also gives them bragging rights amongst their friends. it shouldn't really come with strings attached

*plot twist. Actual footage of OP.

This is just so weird. Why would you force people to eat lunch with you if they don't want to be there?

I totally agree with you. You made it clear what the deal was, and they have chosen not to comply. No song and dance about it, just that the caravan isn’t available in September. As agreed. No drama, just simple fact.

I think this is really bizarre, forcing a weekly meal on a relative. I'd want people to come to lunch / dinner because they wanted to be there not because they felt they had to.

If you genuinely want to help out your family members why not just ask them for a reduced rent or, depending on their skill sets, get them to take on specific tasks on the site.

Firstly, it's four other people not 15.

Secondly, are you sure she said no Sunday off ever? Seems to me it's the not turning up at all ever that's the issue here, not asking her from time to time if he can skip a week for a holiday or a social event.

Thirdly, yes, if a friend as a favour and at her own expense gave me free use of their second home to live in full time, and only asked that as a thank you I have Sunday dinner with them every week in return, and if I needed somewhere to live and her generous offer solved my problem, of course I would do it!

I genuinely can't imagine how someone living rent free in someone else's property doesn't want to see the person who has been so generous on a regular basis, if only to make sure such a hugely beneficial relationship remains on a solid footing!

Tell me you've never stayed in a Haven caravan during the summer hols without telling me...

£1125 for the cheapest caravan on their website in Cornwall this summer for a WEEK!

That’s haven though, a proper holiday park for a holiday. You are trying to compare that to a caravan that is used as a home during term time.

i find caravan holidays awful personally, however I understand the appeal particularly for young families…but that isn’t what is happening here. This is a ‘house’ caravan that costs more than the rental of a three bed where I live, and 50% more than my colleagues pay in their house shares in London.

nobody should be considering paying 1000 a month for long term caravan accommodation unless they are buying a share of the caravan

I wouldn't sign up to it either.

When I was a student, some Sundays I liked to go to the gym then for dinner and drinks with other students.
Sometimes I was on a strict diet and would've had to have 'budgeted' calories for a Sunday lunch, or not eaten much of it at all which I imagine the OP wouldn't like.
Some Sundays I had a lot of studying to do before the Monday
Some Sundays I had arranged to do other things
Some Sundays I didn't get in from Saturday night until 06:00 and would want to be still asleep at the time a lunch would be
Some Sundays I was too hungover to get out of bed
Some Sundays I wouldn't feel like being sociable at all in any capacity
Some Sundays I was ill. Or just couldn't be bothered with any activity.

Is this nephew never allowed to be any of those? Or the 100s of other things that might happen for a young adult student? Or anyone no matter their lifestyle really?
It sounds very stifling to HAVE to give up one day of your weekend no matter what, to spend time with people (and if there's 15 of them, some you likely don't know very well or don't find their company relaxing). Depending on what his course is like, that's a big chunk of anyone's free time.

But the difference is as I've said, I wouldn't sign up to it in the first place. That's the main factor for me, he should not have agreed to the rule, whether it is a batshit rule or not, he had a choice and he lied about it.

It is quite sinister, which i think was my comment on the original thread. Why do you want to do this every single week @TipJarTroubadours ? Don't you ever want to do something different?

I had Sunday family obligations for most of my life, lockdowns broke that obligation, thank goodness. It really contributed to the general Sunday pre-week dread.

Have you explained anywhere why you want this rule?

I do get that this is a condition you have imposed and you are able to end the arrangement given the nephew isn't following the rule.

But I still don't understand what you get out of the enforced Sunday dinner rule.

It's a strange mix of generosity and controlling.

Because it's blindlingly obvious? And she has explained it?

It's a lot more freedom than he'd get if he had to work to pay the rent.

How is it blindingly obvious? Who in their right mind would want to sit down for a meal once a week with people who don't want to be there? Just to play lady bountiful?

It's not sinister.

The Sunday dinner works for OP because she's already feeding a lot of people.

I don't think she's unreasonable to actually want a relationship with someone who is living on her property and not in a standard rental agreement.

You need regular proximity in order to have a relationship. Sunday night dinner is a very simple, easy way to do that.

If he doesn't want to be there, then he doesn't need to live in her property. He can pay rent somewhere else.

Would you really let someone live on your property if yhey wouldn't spend any time with you?

I do wonder how many of these 15 guest over the years still visit for meals after they moved out? That would be a measure of whether these enforced dinners are relationship building or a creepy power play.

No but I would rent them out at a reduced rate to family and then let the renters have free will over their own time like a normal person.

She isn't forcing anyone as her nephew has options. He can live there rent free and attend Sunday dinner, he can pay rent for his caravan and not attend Sunday dinner or he can move out. She gave him those options, he picked the one that included attending Sunday dinner and then stopped attending. OP still let him live rent-free for the rest of the University year but won't let him come back in September. It's an unusual arrangement but her nephew has done very well out of it, even though he reneged on the deal that he originally agreed.

Why is it blindly obvious. I think it’s a weird request. Offering for them to come over for Sunday dinner fine, telling them it is a condition of having the property just seems wrong. I wouldn’t want someone coming for dinner because they had to. I can understand asking them to help with gardening, shopping etc but having someone sitting opposite me at a dinner table because they have been told to come every week would be a strange atmosphere

I think it's a bit weird, but I guess a small price to pay for free accommodation. That's assuming it's a late meal and you're not taking up most of his Sunday. From his perspective, it's probably hugely embarrassing to have to turn down social invites with his mates to have dinner with his aunt. I would imagine he gets ridiculed for that. Could he vary the night he shares a meal, so that it's not so rigid with his social calendar?