To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5436980-to-expect-sunday-dinner-as-the-agreement?page=1

Original post

Small details changed but the short of it is:

We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner
The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

I remember that thread. When does he leave - is term finished now?

HOLD FIRM IN SEPTEMBER!

I remember too! Hold firm. It’s a very clear and simple rule!

Oh, there’s a couple of yabu’s. I wonder why?

It's a stupid rule, but it is your rule and it is your accommodation.

He could have paid the price of the room like everyone else though. Then he wouldn’t have to attend any meal.

I posted on your previous thread and agreed that your nephew and sister were being unreasonable, not you. The arrangement for attending Sunday dinner was unusual but it was a small price to pay for living rent free.

Your nephew has reneged on the agreement again and you have been very kind to still let him live there rent free until the end of his first year at Uni.

No doubt he and your sister will make a fuss when he has to find somewhere else for his second year. You should stick to your guns this time!

I'm not disagreeing. He signs up to the agreement then he needs to stand by it. I can still think it's a silly rule overall though, of course I can. I would never sign up to something like that - enforced socialisation is cringey and weird. To my mind.

I remember your previous thread. It’s a stupid rule, but it’s your house and you can set whatever rules you like.

but I wouldn’t want people at my dinner table who didn’t want to be there and therefore wouldn’t agree to host someone who was using me for my home.

He is finishing up and is due to leave at the end of the month - this has always been the rule for uni students (not those on apprenticeships/jobs) as we can then let for the summer.

Why do you want him at Sunday dinner so much?

On the original post 49% of people thought I was unreasonable to let him stay rent and bill free in return for one evening a week.

You have been extremely generous both to him and other students!

Bit weird to expect him to sign his sundays away, is your cooking that bad you have to bribe people with rent free to eat it?

Think you've quoted me by accident. Not my house or my rules! But I completely agree with you, I wouldn't want to cook or (much less eat with) someone who didn't actively want to spend that time with me. So I would also never come up with that rule - it feels forced and fake. Doesn't make for great digestion...

This is one of the weirdest things I have ever read on here.

@Arlanymoris right, this forced friendship /relationship thing is really odd and I can’t see what you get from these Sunday lunches, knowing your guests are forced, but it’s your rule.

I just remember from the old thread you couldn’t verbalise why you had this rule well and what you got from it. You always said it was the agreement, fine but the why was this so important was missing.

I think so many people really struggled with why you’d want someone at your table that you cooked for and provided all the food for when you knew they didn’t like your company. You seemed really set on winning without working out why forcing someone to spend time with you like this was worth it for you.

(I remember so many people comparing it to being asked to do jobs for your keep like gardening or cleaning, and you seemed happy to view eating your food and sharing your table to be a joyless chore.)

im glad nephew is going elsewhere in September, he clearly doesn’t like spending time with you and it sounds like a really unhealthy situation.

Because others live here and pay rent. I get that loads of people think it is weird, but for me it is part of being a family.
We could let his caravan and make money, we choose to offer it with only one rule, because this differentiates him from the others that live here. He can live here and pay rent and not attend.

But surely it’s a joyless dinner because you’re forcing him? He doesn’t even like your company which is why he’s not turning up. This is so strange.

im glad nephew is going elsewhere in September, he clearly doesn’t like spending time with you and it sounds like a really unhealthy situation.

I don't think he or my sister are glad, or have sorted something yet. They want him to live here for free and not do the one thing I ask.

We all have choices, my nephew especially as he is far from destitute.

I think that if a person wants to enjoy the benefits of family money, then it's not unreasonable for him to behave as part of the family and attend lunch once a week!
It's hardly a big ask, considering what he is getting in return - why should he get to continue taking his aunt's money if he cba to do the one thing that's important to her.
These meals are where family bonds get to develop and grow. Personally I would love this deal - a lovely Sunday lunch made for me and all I have to do is bring a dessert and help with the washing up!

He had the option to pay rent but didn’t want to do that. Even when his grandparents offered to pay it for him, he didn’t want to do that either. He just is seemingly happy that OP is down 10k for the year.

I totally get that and if he made the agreement he should fulfil it, but why do you want him there knowing he’s only there under duress? It would surely be more enjoyable to extend an invitation and if he turns up it’s because he wants to be there?

I thought it was batshit at the time, I think it’s batshit now.

A forced meal once a week does not make you a better, closer, or stronger family. A strong family enjoys hanging out, at various times, because they enjoy it, and want to do it.

Either they live there for free, or they don’t.. attaching a forced lunch to it is odd. Do something nice, because you want to, not because you want something in return.