To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

Ah OP, I remember you got such a hard time when you posted this before, and looks like this thread is going in the same direction.

whilst it might not be an arrangement that many people would enjoy, or sign up for - NO-ONE IS FORCING ANYONE!!!

For those who enjoy a sort
of communal living, socialising over food (once meal a week), it is a wonderful opportunity.

for those who can’t think of anything worse, don’t want to have to eat with other people, make and keep a weekly commitment - are able to pay rent.

nephew here seems to want all the benefits of the offer, without any of the commitment.
maybe he didn’t understand what the original agreement meant - but he’s had plenty of time to reflect on it, so now he can either rock up, pay up or pack up!

I remember your thread and I thought it was absolutely batshit crazy to be honest 😂 I wouldn't want anyone at my table for Sunday dinner who didn't want to be there. Do you get some weird satisfaction out of having him there against his will? Bizarre 😳

There are a lot of us at dinner, I don't need him to make up numbers or provide entertainment. It is just the cost of renting.

Do you also have them under your thumb with some odd agreement?

No I can see they wouldn’t be glad to have to spend the money, however long term it’s probably better for his mental health to be away from you and your unhealthy mindset.

OP those 3 lunches he turned up for after Christmas, did you enjoy them? Was it nice having him there for lunch, knowing he didn’t want to be? Him having to be polite and eating your food, with you knowing he hated it and doesn’t like your company? Did you actually enjoy that?

Or did you just lie to yourself that he suddenly was enjoying your company, had seen the light that your plan was fun for everyone and you just took politeness at face value and got a thrill you could pretend you have a nephew who adores you?

What did you get by forcing people to pretend to like you?

I get it’s the cost and you’re well within your rights to enforce it, but, just out of curiosity, why do you want him there if you know he doesn’t want to be there?

Why is spending time with you and eating your food a “cost” though?! Why do you rate yourself so low that being at your table is a chore to the value of free rent?!

This feels like it's got way out of hand and has become more a battle of wills than anything else.

I thought it was batshit first thread around. To put such a random, ad hoc rule in place and leverage rent free accommodation feels unyielding, controlling and manipulative. There is absolutely no reason to have such a rule in place. Offer it as an option, certainly but to tell someone they have to attend a weekly dinner in order to live rent free is ludicrous. It's completely irrational, I'd understand if the rule was something pertaining to the protection of the accommodation (no overnight guests for example) but being forced to attend a weekly dinner feels petty but also domineering. It's like the OP gets a kick out of making someone do something they don't want to.

I suspect your nephew feels the same way and it's become a hill he is willing to die on.

Just my personal take on it of course and I see I'm in the minority.

He could have paid his rent like a normal person does.

This was entirely his own choice, do people not appreciate that he chose to do it this way?

OP said ‘Sunday meal, bring pudding or pay rent like everyone else’.

He made a choice.

That's unnecessarily cruel - he may well like the OP, but he's young and spoilt and cba to do what he doesn't fancy doing! Lots of people feel entitled to have what they want and not bother to think about other people. But it doesn't mean he hates his aunt.

Offer it as an option, certainly

It was offered as an option.

Has anyone actually read what OP has written?

FFS I’m out.

Good luck OP.

Why does it have to be a Sunday meal? When you're a student, the last thing you want to do at weekends is hang around with older relatives. So while I don't think you're unreasonable for expecting something in return for the accommodation, I do think you are BU to insist it's at a weekend.

I mean offer the option of Sunday lunch if the tenant is able to join as a goodwill gesture and totally unrelated to rent.

The attendance of a weekly dinner being mandatory is insane. In any situation.

Offering free rent contingent on the tenant attending a dinner every week is the OP flexing her need to be in control.

he's a young person starting out in life and he has to realise that if you, as an adult, make an agreement, then it is up to you to keep to that agreement or face the consequences.

I actually don’t think it’s a stupid rule. Family and close family gatherings are so sparsely organised today and it’s the one time where family really connect. My brother never attended or attends family gatherings anymore and has lost lots of connections with many people as a result. He isn’t even happy in his current situation and has very few people other than his wife and a handful of friends who he sees. Had he kept that connection he might have had so many more avenues of support. He has a wonderful family that he rejects but that is his issue. I see more of my family in Australia than I do him. I also think university is a key age too. This is the beginning of adulthood and those connections again become sparser and sparser. So actually your rule is proportionate and has some merit.

If I could live somewhere rent free and the only caveat is attending dinner once a week I’d be as happy as Larry!

It’s really a very peculiar arrangement. I understand it appears generous but it does seem like you’re buying/forcing friendships/connections instead of letting them develop organically.

Were you inspired by Gilmore Girls OP?! Where the Grandma helps pay Rory's school fees on the condition she and her Mum attend Friday night dinner once a week?

If you're offering free accommodation and picking up the utility costs of these guests yourself, it would be nice if they cooked you Sunday lunch every week in exchange! They should want to do that to show their gratitude and frankly if I was your sister I'd be embarrassed that my son hadn't been attending. If he doesn't want to attend Sunday lunch he can pay for his own rent elsewhere, I'm amazed you're being so generous as to give him until Christmas to start attending!

I think this is most people’s take - it’s fine to enforce the rule, but really mentally unhealthy to have the rule in the first place.

The OP just gets angry that he’s not doing what was agreed, not really addressing why she wants the agreed thing. I don’t think she knows why she enjoys these lunches (even knowing he didn’t want to be there wasn’t enough to make her want to stop them).

As I said up thread, long term it’s a good thing for the nephew to get away from this.

So you use property ownership as a bribe in order to pretend that you have a large and loving family who want to spend time with you for 2 hours once a week? I think this might be one of the saddest threads on Mumsnet.

OP what was your relationship with your sis and nephew like before you offered the accomodation? Were you all close? I don't think it's an unreasonable ask tbh. As you say, it's basically saying that the caravan is available for free as a family perk for those who want to actively be part of the family traditions. If not, it's still available but as a paying customer without the family perk.
Why do you think he's not coming? Is he juat a bit spoiled and stubborn/CBA or do you not get on?

It's definitely weird, for his sake Imngladnhes going to have other options

I just read your first thread, I didn’t see at the time it was posted and I initially thought why is this a rule, it is odd.

However, I can see that for free rent in a uni city it’s not that onerous really. But I wonder if he finds awkward or uncomfortable? Not saying you make it awkward or uncomfortable but maybe he feels it? Before this were you close with him? Just wondering if that’s why he’s not inclined to come. Or he just doesn’t get how good of a thing he’s on to with this arrangement in which case you’re not unreasonable with your ultimatum.

Is this a people test?

You show someone how hypocritical they are by not charging them rent if they eat a dinner with you that they wouldn't do without the financial incentive?

Or you're just bribing people to eat with you. Either is really strange.

What do you give to your family?

I think nothing in life is free. I think teaching young people this is dangerous. I have been clear from the beginning that this isn't free. It has strings.

I have my own children, this ultimately directly affects them as financially we are significantly at loss for hosting. It is more than 10k a year we lose per caravan. Free accommodation means they don't have to work, or more strictly that their work is attending the dinner.

I am clear from the beginning. Most house rents come with rules and rent, why is it ok for my nephew to agree to the rules and then opt out? Where else in life is this acceptable?