To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

First of all, how is this OP's problem, and why should she subsidise his party life?

Living in a caravan probably gives him a lot more freedom than living with his mum.

Finally, it is quite possible to have a great time while managing some minor responsibilities. He's got six other nights to party. Sunday dinner is what, an hour? He can also party after that!

I find it really odd but if thats your rules then its your rules. Its very generous for you to offer the caravan for free but I would prefer to ask for something that made them work for it eg maintenance or whatever, not forcing someone into keeping my company.

I do think its a shame you insist on that specific day, what if they wanted a part time job and the hours were on a Sunday, would you stick to your rules then?

OP has already addressed these points.

I read all the OPs posts on this thread and couldnt see about the Sunday working. I get that she has addressed the other bits but I find it very odd. That said, regardless, its a generous offer and whatever quirky conditions are her choice so shes not actually unreasonable.

He hasn't got a Sunday job - prob doesn't need one what with not having any rent to pay. So it's a moot point, really.

Sample size of 4 (me 49) ds (26 been to uni) dd 22 and ds (16 wants to go to uni) we all agreed that we would have loved the chance of a free group meal once a week in lieu of rent! Especially with the proviso that in case of a special reason we could be excused. We would go further and offer to do odd jobs when time allowed too.

Likewise my dd stayed with my sister in Australia for a month in total when travelling and helped with housework/cooked meals in return for free board and food as my sister isn’t loaded and it enabled my dd to stay in Australia for longer by saving money on accommodation.

The op and op’s reasons for offering this don’t matter - they are in a position to offer it and dn was in a position to say no, but didn’t.

Just thought I would update, nephew has been for a few meals over the summer and tonight my sister has asked if he can stay for year 2.

I've said he has to pay for the term to Christmas which hasn't gone down well.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, guess I'm getting my thoughts in order.

So vindictive

I think that’s reasonable. What’s the plan though? Carry on making him pay? If you revert to the “meals” agreement he will just avoid them again and you will be back at square one.

I would ask for the money up front before he moves in.

Thankyou so much for coming back to update . Just to say you’re doing absolutely the right thing. It may not be for everyone and that’s okay ( though I think it’s a lovely tradition) , but your house your rules . If they are unhappy now , I would just leave it as it is - tough rule for him to learn by losing free accommodation but his choice !

Sounds like the right decision...especially as a simple meal was too much. It needs to be a landlord relationship now

It sounds like a good compromise to me. He gets to stay, he just doesn't get it for free. A few dinners isn't enough, he'll just go back to missing them again. Perhaps if he sticks with a reasonable number of dinners for a term, go back to the old agreement then.

I think you gave him a fair chance to have free accommodation. He doesn’t want to stick to the rules so he and/or his parents will have to pay. Maybe once they pay they will realise what an absolute bargain they were getting - they don’t have to agree with what you are doing but then they don’t get the benefits, it’s really very simple. My ds3 is hopefully going to uni in 2 years and would bite your hand off at this offer!

Bloody hell I agree!!!

If I was the nephew I’d show her what’s what by getting accommodation elsewhere!!!

I think this by @PrueRamsay is what you should do ”I would ask for the money up front before he moves in.”

Otherwise if he doesn’t pay what are you going to do? He has already shown that he’s capable of making promises when he has no intention of following through. He had an entire year to show you what kind of person he is.

But the op doesn’t have a problem with him getting accommodation elsewhere - surely that just leaves a space to give someone else a chance to reap the benefits by following the LL’s rules? Everybody has choices. I don’t see any vindictiveness- I think the op has been quite clear on her expectations. As a parent I would be more annoyed with my ds if it meant I had to fork out for accommodation when for the sake of 1 meal a week he would have got it for free!

That was sarcasm, maybe it didn’t come across like it did in my head!

The nephew is a waster and he’ll have a shock when he gets a job if this is how his mind works. No employer is going to give a shit about giving him chances because ‘famileeeeee’.

🙈🤣 oh sorry! 🤣

I think that’s fair. He either eats with you on Sundays or he doesn’t see you and treats it like a business transaction. He cannot have it both ways! You have been very kind offering free accommodation based on one rule, which was broken repeatedly.

Well done OP, stand firm. Your nephew is about to realise what a generous offer he had originally. Teaching the younger generation that nothing in life is completely free is a good thing, as is expecting him to respect his aunt for offering rent free accommodation for so little in return.

Completely fair - your nephew is about to learn the hard way in life their are consequences to actions or lack of action.

He had a very sweet deal and he actively chose to ignore the terms of the deal so guess what… lovely deal revoked…. Tough luck sunshine- he will learn a tough life lesson.

Oh how he will look back and kick himself in the future!

Or he'll realise he dodged a budget from living with an absolutely nutso family.

Well in which case he can move out and pay rent elsewhere like most students. Nobody is stopping him. He can have an opinion on the offered living arrangements and he is well within his rights to decline them. Nobody is holding a gun to his head.

If it's purely the offered conditions themselves that make the family "nutso" then he would have dodged that bullet far better by not agreeing to them in the first place.

Nothing has changed since he agreed to them as far as we know, only that he's changed his mind about sticking to what he agreed. Not sure why nephew changing his mind makes anyone "nutso".