To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

Do you actually want him to eat with you? Or is it a chore for you too? It sounds like you've got locked into this weird set-up where you're insistent it's exchange for rent but neither of you actually want this arrangement.

Emily Gilmore, is that you?

Hypothetically, if he was in a sports team that meant he couldn’t come to Sunday dinner but he offered something else similar - say, cooking a meal for you once a week on a weekday, or helping with a regular maintenance job on the site - would you accept that? Or does it have to be the Sunday dinner specifically? (I don’t think you’re unreasonable regardless, as he accepted the deal, so he should abide by it.)

I don't think YABU at all, OP. You made your terms clear, DN accepted them and hasn't fulfilled his side of the bargain.
But, what are you going to do going forward? Have you told DSis/DN that they will have to find their own accommodation next year, and pay for it? I think, if it were me, I would find a new tenant for the caravan asap.

So so weird and controlling ! This thread freaked me out the last time . I clicked back into it accidentally. Wish I hadn’t .
Either be generous or not .
Imagine the poor boy explaining to his friends about his crazy , controlling aunt !!!
How could anyone think this is an ok thing to do ????? Bizarre.

OP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell us WHY YOU WANT HIM THERE?

you refuse to provide a reason

I think it’s because her DH’s family imposed this rule and she had to abide by it, and OP can’t get rid of it without feeling like it’s insulting DH’s family traditions.

I think it's an unusual arrangement but actually a useful lesson that there is no such thing as a free lunch! OP seems to believe that all the other people who have lived in the free caravans (~19) have been very happy to come to Sunday dinner (and some return when they are no longer "obliged" to). I don't think it would be fun if there was an atmosphere of coercion.

Has your nephew, or sister, offered an explanation why he doesn't want to come to dinner? Is he doing something else Sunday evenings or just doesn't like being told what to do?

OP, I think you've been extremely generous. Unfortunately, it reads to me like Nephew hasn't valued what you've offered him. It's his choice. I would stick to the agreement.

I’m obviously odd because I think it’s a really lovely thing to do.
Save£10k per annum and commit to having a meal with a large group of people once a week.
I believe it’s important to teach young people the importance of following through on a commitment . If you say you will do something you do it.
Nobody forced the nephew to accept free accommodation.
@TipJarTroubadours isnt asking him to dance naked once a week -she’s asking him to do something that’s really normal. Eatimg with family -once a week.
When did we become so selfish and isolated as family’s to object to dinner once a week??
Maybe we wouldn’t see so many ‘died alone, didn’t have any visitors, didn’t realise she died 6 months ago and the cat ate her, can anyone come to this man’s funeral as he died relativeless & friendless -he only knew his postman’etc if there were more people like the OP.
@TipJarTroubadours I would come. I think it just sounds wonderful.
No doubt all of the people calling you weird will make excuses for their anxious kids who can’t speak to anyone they don’t know/answer the phone/are horribly entitled. It’s a great opportunity to mix with a wide variety of people.

imagine if the op had said ‘I’m giving a home rent free to a homeless person and they come for dinner every Sunday to meet lots of my friends and so I can make sure they are ok, eating etc.’ - you wouldn’t have received the vitriol you unfairly have.
if you were my daughters aunt doing this I would be overjoyed.
Stick to your guns @TipJarTroubadours .

If I was living in my aunt's house for free and the only thing she asked is that I sat down with her for dinner once a week - and not even a dinner I'd had to cook or pay for - I'd bite her hand off!

It's unusual but I'm completely baffled by the idea that this is controlling or creepy. I'd consider it basic politeness and a small way to show my gratitude for the free rent.

I find this very weird and it actually makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, not really sure why. It’s not an equal transaction. Just some you want him to do. It’s not like “ have free accommodation in return for some gardening “ or similar.

If my aunt just invited me to Sunday lunch every week I'd go. I wouldn't need a free place to live in exchange. So it makes you wonder, what kind of atmosphere must there be at this house which means the nephew would rather be evicted that go?

It doesn't sound like the nephew is in any rush to leave, given he's apparently showing no signs of securing alternative accommodation.

Which indicates it's nothing so horrible that he's desperate to get away. If it was he'd bite the bullet and lose hundreds of pounds of his disposable income a month, and consider it a price well paid. Apparently he doesn't. So it can't be that bad.

So would I. But if I had invited someone for lunch and they clearly didn't want to come I wouldn't force them because of some weird agreement because neither of us would get any pleasure out of it. What would be the point?

I agree, but it's not my accommodation and not my arrangement. I still think it's an incredibly cheap price to pay for free accommodation, even if it is unusual.

The choices are: live there rent free and go to Sunday dinner, or pay rent, or move out.

The nephew is apparently showing no signs of doing any of those things.

How can you not see how weird and kind of creepy you're being? If you were happy to not charge him rent, don't charge him rent. Adding a forced meal weekly doesn't equalise 1000 a month.

It's weird and creepy because it's a power play. You're giving something for 'free' but forcing someone to do something that is no direct benefit to you. The only benefit you get out of it is power.

This, I started thinking that I'd love a Sunday lunch once a week, but reading more it's making me really uncomfortable, it feels controlling, and yes, I know the accommodation is free, but it still feels off.

I think your rule is very very odd.

However I personally would love to live rent/mortgage free and have a Sunday dinner cooked for me every weekend 😆

BUT Whhhhhyyyyyyyyy?

I did something slightly similar. Relative was high-functioning autistic in 20s and home was very chaotic, so they weren't learning social skills needed to be able to live well independently. I gave free accommodation in return for them keeping themselves and their clothes clean, eg shower daily, and room to be tidied and vacuumed once a week. Relative did get personal hygiene under control enough to be able to go to work etc, but the room was virtually never cleaned - literally a year would pass without vacuuming. I was explicit that these were skills for independence. I offered to clean it with them so they could learn how to do it. However, they didn't see the point of cleaning the room, didn't think it mattered, and just didn't do it. I gave explicit warnings - this is your rent. What do you think would happen if you didn't pay your rent? Still no progress so I gave them 6 months notice to leave. I thought that they were not learning the life lessons I had hoped, I was resentful, so it was time for this to stop.
Maybe my relative thinks I was crazy and controlling for insisting on the room being vacuumed once a week and rubbish taken out. From their perspective, nobody else is every going in the room so what does it matter? But for me, what I hoped to see was growth in this young person, them being exposed to a different way of living which I thought would benefit them. Maybe OP feels the same way?

If he didn’t want to do it, he shouldn’t have agreed. Simple. For everyone saying this is batshit, I too don’t understand why a meal is so important but agree or don't agree. She hasn’t forced him to agree. He has agreed and now he’s shoving 2 fingers up and behaving like an entitled brat.

Interestingly, if OP’s conditions were to go over for a couple of hours on Sunday to help with chores in return for free accommodation, I don’t think anyone would argue. This is no different. If anything, surely nicer than a chore. At worst a chore but that’s the cost.

I think the rule (in theory) is fine. It's the amount you need so as not to feel taken for granted. .

But I am not surprised that a boy of that age will have not done what you have asked. They are hard-wired to be interested mainly in their peer group. They make often poor decisions. They hate missing out. Those other students weren't family and there's the difference - he needs to break away from his family a bit to properly define who he is Sure he'll grow out of it in a couple of years but right now what you are asking runs counter to his developmental stage.

Maybe you should see it as he can't help it. Any more than a baby can't help not being able to talk yet. He's just not at that stage of development yet where he can see the value and enjoyment in a family meal. By 20/21, he'll be ready (but still maybe not every week).

Young people are such a wonderful gift. I wouldn't push him away for doing what nature intended.

I can't even begin to imagine how awkward these creepy forced dinners are. With what 15 different young people forced to attend over the years. He attended the first three so doesn't sound like he didn't intend to not abide by the agreement initially at least.