To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

We were close, she always knew about the situation with relatives and said what a relief it was for her son to have this option - I was clear when we offered the caravan what the rules were, but I don't know if she fully understood before this.

We got on fine, the dinners he attended seemed fine, he isn't shy or awkward, he just seems to see it as optional (which ultimately it is)

So it wouldn't be strange if I charged family £1k a month?

I think I’m a bit off piste in lots of aspects
but this is up there with the most batshit things I’ve ever read on here

Why do either? Why not just do your nephew a favour?

I read the first thread at the time and am still baffled by what you would get from having a reluctant guest at your table that you know is there under duress. The idea of it makes me shrivel up and die a little inside.

Holy fuck

My dad has paid over £220 a WEEK for uni accommodation and HAS to pay that for 42 weeks. For the 'price' of attending a Sunday roast I'd drag her kicking and screaming and tie her to the chair myself.

Actually, I wouldn't need to, because she's a decent human being and would recognise the MASSIVE favour you've offered to her and the parents and would gladly abide by this singular rule in exchange for free rent. Ten GRAND in exchange for what, 30 Sunday roasts over the course of an academic year? Nah, both your nephew and sister are taking the piss. Good on you for putting your foot down.

I mean, he knew the rules so moving out makes sense.

Still an absolutely batshit rule though.

I agree with this.

I remember the first thread and I thought the forced family dynamic was odd at the time. This update isn't any less weird.

The OP has been generous to provide the caravan at no cost - but she has pointed this out on many occasions across both threads. It does make me wonder if she's like this in real life? I know someone who's like this, if they do you a favour they like to remind you how benevolent they've been at every opportunity. It has the effect of making people want to avoid them.

Forcing family members to attend a weekly dinner in return for free board doesn't create a close and loving family. It's a simulation.

Asking someone to give up one day of their weekend every week is a big ask. And yes, it's "only" dinner but smack bang in the middle of the day and I'm sure OP would be horrified if he turned up, smashed down the food, and then rushed off, so it does effectively bugger up the entire day. Every week.

OP seems to consider it her role to teach her nephew about the reality of the world because she has referred to "nothing in life being free" and her rules reflecting this. I don't think it's her place to take on the role as moral guardian for her nephew, and nor would I expect close family to treat me a certain way just because there are different expectations out in the wild!

I agree with PP that this just seems to be a battle of wills, nothing more. OP has said that 15 people already attend the meal so it doesn't really matter if nephew attends or not - it's just a pissing content, essentially.

There's no discernible benefit to forcing someone to sit in your company if they would choose to be elsewhere. Even when you're offering free food, they would rather spend their time elsewhere. It's degrading to insist on them still turning up.

It's even more degrading when you consider that OP considers her company to be equal to some kind of chore that her nephew owes her in return for living in her caravan.

I think it's a massive shame that your nephew doesn't want to voluntarily spend any time with you OP, but given your comments here, I wonder if there's a reason for that.

As PP have said, your caravan, your rules. You're entitled to enforce whatever rules you choose, but doesn't mean that they're reasonable, proportionate, or even particularly sensible. But yes, it is absolutely your right.

I hope your nephew manages to find someone to stay for the next year without too much hassle.

Because it isn't just one child. Between us we have a lot of family and close friends that we can help.

Why stop at them, why not let everyone that rents here live for free- there are certainly some people living here that have a much tougher time.

Blood means something, but it works both ways.

Well, yes. Why not let everyone who is already living there for free live there for free with an open invitation to Sunday lunch, rather than having it as a condition? I just don’t understand what you’re getting from it.

Would you have thought to impose the condition if it wasn’t what your husband’s family were already doing and what you had to abide by whilst living there for free? Is it actually his family’s condition that you’re expected to continue?

Good for you OP. The rule was clear and it's not as if you were sending him down the mines or making him scrub toilets! As for 'oh you're forcing him to interact with you' he's going to love it when he's forced to fill in government forms or attend a job centre but that's life, isn't it?

I don't know -my mum now thinks I'm mad for offering it at all. It would make much more financial sense to not offer it.

I just think it's really, really sad that you need to go to these lengths just to have visitors on a Sunday and you're so desperate for the company of people who don't even want to be there, and are only there because they get free accommodation in return.

Not to mention how miserable an experience it must be for a free lunch to be so intolerable that your nephew would rather be evicted than turn up.

You could just pay some extras to turn up and pretend to be your family.

This. Christ, what a weird thing to enforce.

If you need the money then definitely stop offering it or only offer it to immediate family or exceptionally good friends. If you don’t need the money (as in, you’ve got hundreds of thousands in savings and it would just be adding to that), then offer it as a favour without the added stress of policing Sunday dinner and keep your valuable Sunday evenings for you and your friends and family whose company you enjoy and who want to be there.

Same

This is unnecessarily harsh. It’s a rule OP has inherited from her DH’s family, and many teenage lads wouldn’t want to spend a weekend evening, every weekend, with their aunt. I’m sure as he gets older he’ll enjoy seeing her, but a 18 year old won’t be in that mindset.

I think it's teaching young people that things go both ways. You can't "claim" family benefits then ignore family obligations. And they are obligations. You may not want to do them but you do to keep family harmony. In this day and age where everyone just thinks about themselves and don't usually consider others it is a good lesson for nephew to learn IMO.

It isn’t a good lesson to teach him that spending time with family is done only in return for financial reward.

It's a bit weird, so they can never do something they want on a Sunday because they have to come to you for a roast? It's like holding your generosity over them. Maybe if it wasn't a rule he'd want to visit more. Maybe I'd suck up a forced meal for free rent, but it wouldn't make me feel closer to the person making me go

It isn't some plan to make them feel closer. It is just the exchange for free living.

I don't mind if they see it as a job, lots of students work jobs they hate to finance their life.

He is the first person that has agreed to the rules and then not followed through.

I just don't get your motivation for insisting people eat with you. Just charge them rent if you don't want to give freebies. It's really weird.

But that is the choice- why am I the weird one? They know the options.

1. No rent or bills, dinner once a week
2. Rent and bills, no dinner once a week

I think people are confused as to why you want them to come to eat with you when you know they don’t want to be there? What pleasure do you get from that?