To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

He hasn’t stuck to the rules, so off he goes. I’m another that thinks your rule is batshit though, making him commit a big chunk of every weekend to having lunch. I think I’d have taken the route of 25% discount for relatives, plus Sunday lunch is there if you want it. At least you would know they actually enjoyed the lunches.

Bet Sunday lunch is a hoot.

Yeah, I thought this was weird and controlling the first time, and still think it is. If course it's your right to say the terms and they should have stuck to it or moved out/ paid up, but it's still a very weird thing to insist on. It would be far less weird to offer a few options... mid week dinner, a few hours a week helping with jobs at the site etc. But a forced dinner is just massively weird and uncomfortable and likely inconvenient for a student. Like other posters I don't get what you gain from this, apart from control, and if he starts complying now, the notion of having won. Of course it's your right as you're the owner, but it's still very weird.

Ask him to leave, Op.

If he begs to come back he needs to pay up front in advance and agree to a three month trial.

No longer offer the free accommodation to your nephew. It was a simple arrangement which he chose to ignore.

This!

Yes it's a bit strange - but either suck it up or don't. OP doesn't owe her nephew anything.

If he had moved in with you as a lodger and the deal was that as his "rent" he would cook dinner for everyone once a week would that be considered unreasonable I wonder?

Because OP's offer is much more generous!

Poor OP can't win with this one.

If she just gives him the accommodation, then he is just "taking her for a ride".

If she expects some kind of time with him, this gets really vague. How much is enough?

Sunday dinner is a clear, unambiguous expectation.

But OP is being very generous, and Sunday dinners work for her. Why should she run around changing her life to suit him?

Not RTFT but this with bells on:

“Aiming4Optimistic · Yesterday 19:49
I think that if a person wants to enjoy the benefits of family money, then it's not unreasonable for him to behave as part of the family and attend lunch once a week!
It's hardly a big ask, considering what he is getting in return - why should he get to continue taking his aunt's money if he cba to do the one thing that's important to her.
These meals are where family bonds get to develop and grow. Personally I would love this deal - a lovely Sunday lunch made for me and all I have to do is bring a dessert and help with the washing up!”

@TipJarTroubadours I don’t really know why so many people find this rule so odd or difficult to comprehend. Eating together is part of communal living. He wants the very considerable benefits of being family but not to do the one small thing required of him in return. It’s inconsiderate and ungrateful. His parents should be backing you not him but they seem to have raised him to think this is okay. Suffering the consequence of losing the free accommodation seems very fair and a useful life lesson.

If I had a DC in this situation, say one of the other people youve helped in this way, not family so I didn't know you very well, I'd definitely be checking in with my DC more than I might (sorry!)

This is giving vibes of an Agatha Christie novel where family who don’t like each other are forced to stay close due to a controlling matriarch (never ends well!).
But, your house, your rules, OP and if that’s what your nephew agreed to then I think you’re totally within your rights to charge him rent.

I’m also curious why you made this the rule.
Why not that they have to help wash down caravans, or do odd jobs around the site, or anything that it more like help/support rather than an enforced social obligation EVERY weekend?

On the surface Sunday lunch doesn't seem too onerous, but you're giving weird Lady Bountiful vibes to me.

But you'd have a choice. If you don't want to go to lunch, pay for your accommodation - whether it's OP's accommodation or somewhere else.

Isn’t it just. Such an odd arrangement.

But why this rule? I could see asking him to do some chores around the property but this is a very strange and controlling rule. The whole thing feels performative and like you want the peasants to bow and scrape ritually. This is a hell of a hill to die on in a family. You can’t know someone from one post but this reminds me of friends parents who gave them a house deposit and then expected them to show up for Sunday dinner in perpetuity. They eventually paid the money back and went NC. The grandparents will wail to anyone who will listen…

O my goodness. I missed the original thread. I have so many questions. The main one is “Why?”
why do you want him every Sunday for dinner?
Whats in this for you?
Do you have a partner? What’s in it for them?
how many people do you regularly host?
What do you usually cook?
How big is your table?
Do you take a register every Sunday?
is this static caravan park like a commune?
Is there a religious or Cult element to this?
Do you run an MLM company?
How long do the dinners last?
What if one of the students are on holiday or not feeling well?
Do you serve alcohol at these events?
are you a good cook?
Do they all finish their meals?
What do you gain for this on a personal level?
For those that have complied in the past are you still in contact with them?

And, again… Why?

Slightly bizarre that you insist on someone who doesn’t want to be there, be there - however it’s not much to ask in return for free rent. He knew the “cost” of the deal. You aren’t unreasonable to make sure he sticks to the deal or he has the choice to pay rent instead. His choice!

And yes it would be interesting to hear the answers to these questions.

If OP was really that creepy or controlling then nephew wouldn't be wanting to stay there, even for free, and sister wouldn't be encouraging it.

There are only three options: go to dinner, pay rent, or move out.

It doesn't matter how unusual the request is, those are the choices.

I think it’s a great rule - there are a lot of people there, so it’s not as if he’s being forced to sit in awkward silence. What a fantastic opportunity to catch up with family & make new friends. If it’s not someone’s thing - fine, they don’t have to take the free accommodation. Nobody’s being forced. OP your nephew is being very unreasonable

I don’t believe you would not sign up for a Sunday meal with family in exchange for free accommodation especially as a student…I think she’s being very reasonable, just saying I don’t believe you.

I remember the first thread. I voted you were unreasonable then and I still think so now. Not because I think it’s unreasonable to expect something in return for free accommodation, but because the condition you’ve picked feels weird and controlling. If you’d asked him to mow all the grass once a week, he could have done that when convenient to him. Specifying the same day and time every week basically forces him to give up his weekend plans. A lot of lads that age enjoying going to watch the football at the pub on a Sunday afternoon. Or maybe he wants to play a sport and that clashes? Or maybe he wants to nurse a hangover every Sunday? Does he have a gf/bf? Maybe they want to spend time together on a Sunday, maybe even cooking together or having Sun lunch together themselves? Maybe he likes to do all his assignments on a Sunday, so he doesn’t want to stop for a few hours to go to his aunts for a forced meal? Maybe he isn’t hungry enough to eat a full meal at the time you serve dinner, so he’d prefer to eat his main meal later in the day? Maybe he doesn’t like a roast dinner? Maybe he doesn’t like your cooking? Is he religious and attends a place of worship on a Sunday? I’m sure there are loads more reasons why someone wouldn’t want to commit to a specific day and time.

Obviously he could choose to pay you rent instead. I suspect though his parents have likely said he doesn’t need to and perhaps didn’t realise just how serious you are about this particular rule.

I too wonder why you have this particular rule. It’s almost like it’s so you can say how benevolent you are - “look at me. I give my nephew free accommodation AND I feed him once a week”.

The weeks he did come, what was the conversation about at dinner? Did you spend it reminding him how lucky he is and how wonderful you are? It really does feel, on the face of it, that there’s something missing from the story. Because it isn’t logical that someone would accept your terms and then just not show up for a free dinner. Has he ever told you why he can’t come? Has he said he doesn’t want to come or is it that he has other commitments? Do you make him feel uncomfortable at dinner in some way? Does he have a lifestyle choice you berate him about or make it obvious you don’t approve of? Could one of your other guests be making him uncomfortable? This is one situation I would really love to hear from the nephew and ask him about it all and why he doesn’t attend.

It is utterly weird to insist someone eats with you who doesn’t want to. But it’s your rule and your nephew would obviously rather go elsewhere than abide by it.

I’m not denying that it would cost that much money in halls where it comes with the benefit of friends, four walls, full kitchens and bathrooms and real showers, what I’m saying is a caravan at that rate is gross…

Just say you are stopping free accommodation due to the economy and tell them how much it will cost.

Drop this Lunch stand off: if he attends now there will be no pleasure in it anyway.

Family support each other through care and mutual goodwill, you don’t have to give free accommodation, if you do, do it without strings. Family is not about transactional control.

But it is completely reasonable to now charge, he has had a year free, which is an incredible help. It would be better for him and your DSis to appreciate this rather than get entrenched in resentment over Sunday lunch.