To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

[TipJarTroubadours]

I'm not sure if anyone actually wants an update, but I was reading another thread where an update was promised and I was disappointed to find that there wasn't an update. Then I remembered I was just as bad. Although I did feel a bit bruised being compared to a rapist.

Link to original thread below but I've also copied the first post in the next reply as I hate clicking on links.

The. Question on the original was really

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation?

Well we all met at my parents at Christmas, my mum who initially thought I was BU, didn't realise that he wasn't paying rent in return for attending Sunday Lunch and was then cross at me for giving things away for free.

My parents then offered to help pay towards accommodation with no strings, but said it would have to come out of his inheritance - my sister didn't want this so it was agreed he would attend after Christmas.

He attended for three weeks and then stopped. I told my sister but said he could live here rent free until the end of the first year but that he can not come back in September. I'm not sure she believes that we will follow through.

For the avoidance of doubt we are not religious, and I guess this is no longer really an AIBU, as I don't think we are.

Well on that I do agree. He should have never agreed to such a weird loaded condition.

I'm in a minority, clearly, but even though it is a bit weird on the surface, it makes sense to me and I don't think you're being unreasonable. He doesn't have to attend at all, he could pay for the accommodation. It's a gesture to show he is willing to give a little time in exchange for the costs you're covering and the money you could otherwise be earning... and the time is an hour a week and dinner made for you, with a bit of clearing up! However mad it might seem to people, that's a very sweet deal! He may not want to go but if that's the case, he has another option! And it would cost him way more time and effort than an hour a week eating dinner someone else made!

It's more a gesture that stops you feeling totally taken advantage of and shows a little appreciation, and you couldn't make it more pleasant. Sunday dinner made for you! We all have to attend boring family occasions sometimes but we don't usually get free accommodation and bills in exchange! Can't see how that somehow makes it less acceptable, especially when it isn't forced at all; if he doesn't want to spend any time as a family then he's free to be a properly paying guest with the non-family business arrangement. This isn't the home he was born in where he has a right to expect to live there and it costs you in lost business as well as living expenses; it's not fair to expect to take it with not even a gesture in exchange.

I'm also pretty sure that if he occasionally had some big event on that he really wanted to go to, you would be ok with that!

Actually I'm surprised at how I feel about this because my parents used to make us all come to the table for dinner so we could performatively be a family eating together and fulfil their fantasy that we got on, were functional and liked it. It meant massive rows every day with them losing their minds every time something didn't go exactly as they had imagined it, plus the food was awful. So I'm surprised to find myself Team OP.

But the difference here I think is that this was our home where we were born so we really didn't have any choice about being there and had an inherent right to be there without fulfilling our parents' pretences. I absolutely hated it, the daily scream fest. But if my aunt had said I could live in my own self contained place rent and bill free at uni, at significant cost to her, and literally all she asked was that I spent a little quality time with her once a week... that feels very different. I would be choosing to live there in a way I wasn't choosing to live with my parents, and if she isn't good enough or family enough for me to see her for an hour a week then she shouldn't be good enough or family enough for me to absolutely freeload off her. Also it's weekly, not daily, and it sounds like the food is good and everyone gets on well enough even if they're a bit bored; no dramas or disasters. I spent way more hours than that bored at work to pay my rent at uni. And the nephew could still choose to do that instead if an hour a week bored with his aunt is so much worse.

So yeah. I surprise myself, and I'm in a minority, but... team OP.

Edited for typos and clarifications.