Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Forgot to add, I do work as I’m solely responsible for housework, food shop, both kids, cooking, I’m the one that’s up in the night if either of them are unwell. Just because it’s unpaid doesn’t mean I’m not working to keep our house and kids running, if I didn’t do what I do, he couldn’t manage the business.

Simple solution. Dont tell him next time and keep it all for yourself and do whatever you want to do with it!

How would you feel if roles were reversed and he had won the money and spent it as you had?

Also, if you worked, it shouldn't just have been just your money paying for childcare, thats a family expense

Maybe a chat about how it could look in terms of childcare, pick ups, drop offs and housework split if you did go back to work earlier, as husband doesn't sound happy with the income split at the moment? However, if that is the case, he needs to come up with childcare and housework solutions that don't all fall on you if you did go back to work.

By saying you don't work he obviously means paid work, but he is being unreasonable to not consider what you do for your family as work! I hope he is grateful for what you do and values that contribution.

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt / for arguments sake, is it possible that:

1.He's upset because he doesn't think you need these tweakments/loves you just as you are, so doesn't understand why you want to spend any money at all on them?

2.He is concerned about this being another beauty cost that I assume will need to become a another regular expense? I have zero personal experience of botox/fillers etc, but Google suggests it's a treatment that needs redoing every 9-18 months depending on the individual and the cost can be between £300-800! Given the other ways you've mentioned you're using your winnings come to £650, I assume where you are this treatment costs about £350? I'm not saying he's right to feel this way, but he obviously doesn't think regulae beauty treatments are a good way to spend your money given that he already encouraged you to stop getting your nails done.

I assume this £20 a month you spend on the slots comes from money earned through the income earned through business you own jointly, but that you don't currently contribute towards the running of? Unless you have another income stream? Do you win often or is winning this £1,000 like a once every few years thing? That in itself adds up to £240 a year, does he have an issue with that too or is he happy for you to spend it on this?

And appreciate you're not asking for advice on this but now there are 30 funded hours available, would childcare really not make it worth you working? Just mentioning because if that is the only reason you aren't working, I was very pleasantly surprised with how cheap the fees got from September 2025. Our child was only in 2 days a week, but the cost went down from about £400/month to £70/month after the funded hours and tax-free childcare were applied. Not sure how much value you could bring to your company only working 2 days but just saying, might be worth doing the figures on again. Also completely understand it may just work better for your family for you to not work for this time anyway, and I'm sure it's lovely being with your youngest every day. I would have done it too if we could have managed without my salary, but sadly wasn't an option for us.

You should have kept quiet and saved it for when you realise you’re married to an arsehole.

I'd be pretty pissed off too if my partner was spending money on completely unnecessary cosmetic treatments.

You need to go back to work. He doesn’t respect what you do at home. It sounds like you shared out the winnings fairly and what you do with your portion is up to you.
posts like this make me grateful that I work and we have separate accounts so I can spend what I want on whichever I want when I want.

if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest That is false, it may be equivalent to your earnings but the expense should come proportionally from both parents income.
You need to jointly decide if the benefits of you being the full time parent outweigh the income benefit (should there be any). IMO being a SAHP only works if both of you fully agree on that choice.

Wow, he really doesn't like you having that autonomy, does he!

You need to remind him that you do work, and I'd expect an apology on that point.

My advice would be to get back into a job as soon as you can, because I really wouldn't want to be relying financially on someone as mean-spirited as this.

Problem is, there is a lack of info in your post. You focus on one particular comment from DH that you found hurtful. What else was said?

Yes you both agreed you would have 2 years off, but was he expecting that given the loss of your income, there would be a need to cut down on some personal luxuries? Is he feeling taken for granted? Does he have expensive treatments or hobbies just for him? Do you have other additional hobbies just for you? When you have your beauty treatments, who is looking after the children?

You only gave up having nails etc done 2 months ago. I have to say that if it were me, I would have put beauty treatments on a back burner for the 2 years.

You won £1000, and £650 was put into the family pot. Could you not put more int the family pot ? If you were in his position whilst you went out to work, what would you feel about that?

On the other hand, are you putting anything away for your future?

Is he actually really stressed out and anxious about the future, such that he would prefer if you were together creating a safety net?

I don’t know what the answer is OP, as I say, I feel there is a lot of info missing from your post.

This.

This has highlighted that you need to go back to work now, all your wages won’t go on nursery as he will pay half, and it’s worth it for investing in your future. He’s made it clear that the money he earns isn’t shared money and he resents financially supporting you, and he clearly has no appreciation for you or what you do. You need some financial independence asap.

Your husband is being an arse- but tear trough fillers are very high risk- this guy is one of the UK’s top consultant dermatologists, have a look - https://www.instagram.com/reel/DYXmLPkknpY/?igsh=bWluMDJ1aXN3OWZ5

The OP gave him money for trainers for himself , are they unnecessary too?

OP I can see your point that being a SAHM saves a fortune in nursery fees, and is essentially your job. But I can’t help thinking I’d be a bit peeved too, if someone used my money to gamble, and then when they won they spent a big chunk of it on cosmetic stuff. But then I’m 58 and from a generation who painted our own finger nails, and wouldn’t have dreamed of having chemicals injected into our faces when we were only 34!

Id tel him that I'll be going back to work ASAP and of course that means going forward he will be doing half of all housework and child related things

So you spend £240 of family money on gambling every year. Hmm. And you don’t work.
I’m on his side.

He's being unreasonable. You've shared most of it and he should be happy for you that you can spoil yourself a bit

People always say childcare is a family expense not just the mother. The point is if Dre earns £2000 and it goes in the family pot , childcare is £2000 then her whole wage does go on childcare. The family is not any better off financially.
Infact they could be worse off. Both children will need school holiday care.
Travel / parking for work.
Having said that , I’d go back but spell out to him the child/ domestic split going forward.

He sounds like a bit of a dick.

But I wouldn’t be thrilled at my partner spending money on online gambling, and even less thrilled if I was the sole earner. Although it doesn’t sound like that’s the bit he’s taken issue with.

Who pays for all your cosmetic treatments?

Family money, just like the gambling. Yet she is trying to act like her husband is financially abusive.

Why would you be paying all your salary on nursery fees? Unless you are high earners you are entitled to 24/30 free funded hours per week for each child.

So you gave him and the kids a chunk of your winnings and he still wasn't happy that you spent some on yourself? What did he want, you to just spend it all on him?

He agreed for you to be a SAHM so I really don't understand his issue.

I dont think you are as comfortable off money wise as you think if he couldn't buy himself a pair of non work trainers.

Yet you were spending £34 evey 3 weeks on nails and eye brows plus botox. So probably amounts to £2k a year, plus £20 a month for gambling too.