Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Standard MN answer to dickhead husbands like this 🙄
Calculate how much your 24/7 childcare costs are each month even at NLW and hand it to him! This is your financial contribution to the household because if you didnt do it, he would have to pay someone else to or reduce his hours and pay for nursery.
You're also sacrificing your career, future earning capacity and not to mention your pension pot.
I'd be inclined to nip thos sort of snarky, downright disrespectful comment in the bud right now and make it perfectly clear that if he EVER mentions it again, you've already calculated the monthly CMS payments he will have to make plus how much of the 'his' pension/savings you will be asking for in the divorce courts. A minimum 70/30 split in your favour sounds about standard btw

They run a business so her salary would presumably be an expense of that business, and may even impact her DH’s salary (if he takes a salary). We don’t know the financial situation but it doesn’t sound simple in this case. To me the key things are:

1. The OP and DH agreed she would be a SAHP for a period of time, and the OP would contribute by caring for the children full time and managing other things at home. It’s a dick move for her DH now to be claiming she doesn’t contribute when that arrangement has been previously agreed.
2. The OP’s money was one off winnings and she shared most of it anyway.

Lesson learnt, op. Next time, keep schtum.

Anyone who doesn't talk to their partner over something as trite as this is a dick.
OP, you won, you were lucky. You've shared it out and I don't think your hubby would be happy unless he had it all and if not hard up why should you? He's telling you the truth over finances?

In some ways, I understand but it's just a thousand which you have shared - he should be happy for you imo, it was an unexpected win which has benefitted you all. What would happen if some auntie or grandma gave you a surprise grand for your b'day? Would husband expect you to give it to him just because he pays the bills and you're a SAHM? An agreement you made together a few years ago?

If I were you, I'd go back to work and half the housework. Yes, you'll have nursery fees to pay but it would stop all this kind of rubbish and let him see actually, being a SAHM and a housekeeper is a job too.

How were you going to pay for the airport parking if you hadn't had this win?

Reading between the lines it sounds as though your lifestyle may not be as affordable as you are suggesting; which possibly goes someway to explaining why your husband is so unhappy that you want to spend such a large chunk of something unnecessary for yourself

I presume wouldn't be going on holiday if money was that tight, perhaps the OP just wanted to contribute some towards the costs?

Time to get back to work, you're only responsible for 50% childcare costs.

It also stops you being financially dependent on someone else, which is crazy as what happens if you divorce, and you can start paying into a work pension.

That's his problem not hers. It's still her choice not to work.

It was their choice together.

It’s both of their choice, they are in a committed relationship and have made these decisions together.

You think hiding money in a relationship is the answer? Presume you'd be perfectly happy for your partner to hide money from you?

Get a job.

Then he will moan about that.

Because he sort of hates you in that way men hate women for being abythingnother than less than them.

He's worthless.

They own a business so sounds like they would be financially dependent on each other regardless

Not on paper. But down the line dre has pension and ni contributions paid. Builds her cv. Abd pension pot.

If I acted jealous and stopped talking to my partner because they didn't give me more of the win, then yes, I would be understandable why my partner would hide any future winnings from me!

So you're agreeing its her choice not to work. Which was the point in the first place.

You don't get to blame one person when it was a joint decision for the good of their shared children.
Stop nitpicking please.

BOTH of their choice

if my husband didnt work and was gambling with my money i would be pretty pissed off too.

You mean if your husband was a stay at home parent and spent £20 a month of the family money.

yes on gambling, thought that was pretty clear.

1. If she can manage to find the means and time for Botox, eyebrows and nail treatments, what a shame she can’t find a means to help in the business, and who looks after the kids whilst she does that?
2. You are right, we don’t know the finances of this situation and OP hasn’t been back to explain, nor has she responded to posts to clarify anything.
3. It could be a dick move for him to complain about her not making a financial contribution. On the other hand, maybe his complaint was not that she is at home, but that she doesn’t make a contribution financially to the pot anymore, whilst she was still spending on treatments as if they are the same. They are not. They have less money and more outgoings. Personally, I would automatically have stopped having beauty treatments for the 2 years, but OP only gave up on her brows and nails after a chat about it. The question is, does he have financial worries that OP needs to face up to? Some people are predicting a financial crash this year. Her DH may be worried about that.
4. Is OP spending family money on gambling? Is she regarding her money as “her money”, and his money ‘their money’? What if he won £1000, whose money is it then? My DH and I discuss how money like that would be spent. She has decided to spend the bigger portion on fillers. How much money has been spent on her gambling versus how much she has ever won? How much does DH spend on himself? Did he even want the trainers, or, given the conversation they previously had about the expense of nails and brows, did she give him a token of ‘£150 for trainers’ so she had “an excuse” to spend £350 on fillers, instead of putting it in the family pot?
5. How responsible is OP with money? What is DH like with money? Maybe he is more cautious than she is. Maybe he had understood that with her not working, she would automatically cut back on expenses, which would not be ridiculous, simply living within budget. As parents, you sometimes have to make sacrifices.
6. We know hardly anything of this whole scenario, and certainly nothing to judge her DH by. OP may have married someone who is mean, or maybe someone who is practical and stressed out financially. They need to work as a team. Otherwise, she goes back to work. Or their marriage breaks up due to financial conflict, and then see if OP can afford her fillers, brows and nail treatments as single parent.

To answer some questions

The £20 a month is actually mine, not his. I have a very small amount of savings that I draw £20 from each month and any time I win £100/£200 I put it straight back in. He knows this, has never had a problem with it.

The airport parking would have been covered by our joint account but obviously, there is no need to take it from the account now which means more money to move to savings this month even if it is just over £100.

He doesn’t like spending money on himself, hence why although he earns a very good wage, he won’t justify buying himself a nice pair of smart trainers which is why I thought I’d treat him to them.

I am unable to get 30 hours funded childcare for baby due to me being unemployed. I sort submit receipts to accountants, send customer emails, send quotes etc when I have a spare hour whilst baby is napping and eldest is at preschool but I am not technically employed.

This may be true, though replacing all the labour OP does to manage their family life would add up to a pretty penny to cover if she didn't do it. It is this and the fairness in their relationship that is being discussed. OPs contribution to the relationship is huge and she is being micro managed by the recipient of HER benefaction...it makes me feel nauseous just to read about his attitude to the huge gift he is being given ...meanwhile OP only loses her financial security day by day

If his wages are family money, then surely your savings are also family money?
The 30 hours childcare would apply if you went back to work