Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

As the sole beneficiary of your unpaid labour, he needs to start paying you a living wage for raising his children for him. Cheeky prick.

Suggesting that it’s practical to stay not working is simplistic too. Her husband isn’t as supportive as she thought, so either they’re not as comfortable financially as she thinks, or he’s showing signs of being financially controlling. Working full time with kids isn’t simple for anyone but sometimes you have to make it work so OP should be very seriously considering this

Surely with all the free childcare these days, even on a minimum wage job you will earn more than you'd pay on childcare? Even allowing for pre/after core times.

Surely OP would also be entitled to the 30 hours free childcare? So that argument doesn't really stack up anymore.

I imagine she would yes, he can still pay half the nursery fees

On top of paying every single bill, food shop, clothing etc for a family of 4?😂 meanwhile in tge real world…

Yes.

Sorry but if you are gambling money out of the family pot you should put most of the winnings back into it.

Without his money you wouldn’t be able to gamble and so the winnings are 50/50.

And in theory you can spend your half on whatever you want.

However we need to know more about your finances before we can judge.

You are obviously not well off and you getting your nails and eyebrows done, gambling and botox would add up to way over the £1K you won.

It does seem unfair that you don’t work but all his money seems to go on your beauty treatments or things for the family.
He can’t even afford new shoes it seems.

Ugh, his attitude is disgusting. You need to go back to work to protect your financial future as I would rely on him standing by you if that’s what he’s secretly thinking about your family finances

How many households do you know where from one adult’s income they could fund the lives of 4 people, an entire household, AND then pay someone else a wage?

Baring in mind the average UK salary is £35k.

‘His children for him’ they are also her children! Yes he needs to be fair financially, but it’s not unpaid labour raising someone else’s children for them, she has the privilege of being able to stay home with her kids. She’s not just doing him a favour

Very few, which is why his complaint that she doesn't contribute financially is so disgusting. She is doing unpaid labour for him, from which he benefits. The alternative is that he pays someone. She does contribute, to the tune of the cost of full time childcare, cleaner, cook, personal shopper and executive assistant wages.

I think it's time you got a job.

You may have agreed to a 2 year maternity leave from working for the joint business but it looks like that needs to change. The economic picture was different 2 years ago which was around when you made that agreement and it's only worsened in the past few months. Ask him if he's feeling financial pressure.

Have you put aside whatever taxes you'll be paying on that win?

I also think you need to be working because it sounds like he's becoming resentful of you not working and financial disagreements are one of theain causes of marriage breakups. Don't be caught jobless.

And they are also his. She very much is doing him a favour by raising them for him and saving him childcare fees. The fact that there are actually women in this thread defending him is appalling. I'm not sure I can explain to you all how damaging this mindset is without bringing out the finger puppets so I'll leave you to your internalised misogyny. Enjoy!

She’s not just doing unpaid labour “for him”, it’s care for their JOINT children, and she was clearly involved in the decision not to work. That’s her choice.

The alternative is that they both work, and both contribute to childcare costs etc.

Or I suppose the other alternative is that he decides actually he’d be left with far more money if they just separated, separate houses and he pays her child maintenance and not a penny more- spoiler alert, she’s getting a much better deal financially than that now!

You either have joint finances in a marriage or not, if his money is all our money, hers needs to be the same.

Do you know much about how finances work in separation?

Because if he decides actually, no thanks, he won’t be forced to contribute to any form of childcare at all. In fact he could say he wants zero overnights, no court will ever force him to, and the only thing financially he will have to pay is child maintenance for those children- far less money than he’s currently paying funding 4 lives on one wage.

No it’s not misogyny and it’s very lazy of you to just through that around. You know very little of OPs life or their financial situation.

Whilst I don't agree with him throwing this at you, it is ridiculous to say he couldn't work if you didn't stay home. Families all over the country have two full-time working parents. It's your choice not to work, don't try to fool yourself or anyone else that it's to support him, it's not.

This too. If I was the sole earner in a household and my spouse was wasting money I'd earned shoving crap in her face I'd be fuming. Well, I wouldn't be fuming as I'd save my energy for faffing around with divorce proceedings.

Do premium bonds (similar concept each month) , at least you get to keep your money.

Agree

Yes but tbf he runs his own business. We know very little about it but it could be incredibly full on, and not a 9-5 and totally incompatible with parenting.

From your winnings you've taken
35% for yourself
15% for him
10% to a family event
40% (the majority share) to family savings.

And he's pissed? He's being a dick.

Tell him to put his trainers money back into the family pot; unless he's the only one deserving of leisure spend, as he's the only one 'working'.

Yes we don’t really know the financial situation. They run a business and these are now uncertain times. They now have one salary less and 2 children to raise.