Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

You've won £1k and given away £650 if my mental arithmetic is anything to go by

Airport parking, trainers, savings and your two children

You've given him a gift of £100 for trainers and he's telling you that you're being selfish???

You have given away or saved more than half of your winnings

He has no right to tell you how to spend or save £350 of your money

Wow he gets to buy £150 trainers but you can’t spend your own money on your ACTUAL FACE! What a massive prick. I’m sure he loves having free childcare, maid, chef and cleaner while you “don’t work”, allowing him to earn off the back of your 24/7 unpaid labour.

I'm 68, gave up on make-up years ago.

But this spat isn't about how we feel about cosmetics. It is about the OP acquiring some money and then her DH going off on one because she is deciding how to spend it and he doesn't agree she should do this and/or with her choices.

This arse of a husband has used OP's good fortune to give his opinion that she doesn't work or contribute financially, and therefore by implication should ask his permission on how to spend her money. The kind of guy who will expect her to cover the nursery costs out of her salary, then rub it in that her contribution to family finances is cash-neutral.

Is it really fair to assume the DH is taking OP’s role for granted? Or could it also be a case that he understands and appreciates it, but does not appreciate the spending of money on non-essentials at this time, when maybe he thought they would cut back?

That OP’s salary or portion of it would go on childcare if she went back to work is irrelevant in a sense, because it doesn’t alter the fact they are down by one salary right NOW.

Both OP and DH run this business together. Can she not take the kids into the office a couple of days and help out? ….Or ….who was looking after the kids when she was having her brows and nails done? Who will look after them when she has her fillers done? Why could she not got and help out at the business on those days? Could OP take some work home? Is the business having to fund extra office help because OP is not at work?

Maybe DH is being mean, which is possible. Or maybe he does appreciate what she does, but not what she spends because of uncertain times and reduced income, and that is what he was pointing out: less money because OP does not work, means needing to cut back on some things?

No idea. Too much info missing.

Back to work OP. The nursery fees are joint.

Your “dh” is responsible for paying 50% of the childcare so if you go back to work that money you earn and then have to pay half of it on childcare then HE has to pay 50% for on childcare too!!

People argue this point all the time and it annoys me. Substitute with ‘I would’ and write ‘we would’ and the point stands… whole wage Would go on childcare. Yea it would be shared, but as a family cost it would be equivalent to her salary.

OP,y husband and I share finances, I currently work but will be finishing soon.
my whole wage (and some) goes on childcare (don’t worry, we share money so I have access to the same cash he does!) Neither of us would spend £350 without consulting the other… winnings/earnings/savings , that kind of amount we’d both run past each other (excluding things like car service, bills etc). My husband would always encourage
me to spend money on myself and visa versa,
but we’d still discuss it. I think since you seem to share money it’s relevant - unless you have a’this is to spend on what you like’ pot each. I also kind of think you should have jointly decided how to spend it. My husband gets a bonus each year, we always discuss how it will be spent/ saved - what to put into the mortgage, what’s for hols, what’s in the ISA etc.

Find a new DH

If the £20 that was used to gamble was joint money, earned by your husband, I’d say you were being unreasonable.

I can see both sides tbh - presumably you’re using the money he’s currently earning outside the home for this betting - so maybe if it’s a joint expense it should be a joint win when you’re lucky. But also I see your side that as a SAHM you can choose to spend some of the household income on things you enjoy!

So I’m not sure there’s an obvious right answer on that. However there is an obvious issue that he can’t dictate what the rules are for spending, he can’t devalue your role in the family, and he can’t shut down discussion by giving you the cold shoulder.

Assuming things are otherwise good, then it’s time to have a fair and frank discussion - if he’s not happy with you being a SAHM and still having some money for fun then what set up would he prefer? How could you restructure family life so that you’re both happy?

If they live comfortably, why doesn't he have the money to buy his own trainers? And who usually funds the OPs gambling and beauty treatments?

I can’t believe people are arguing that all money earned in this home is his! I thought there was a general acceptance on MN that income (particularly in sahp set ups) is shared by the household regardless of role.

op has stated that all bills are paid, that she has recently lowered her personal outgoings (nails etc) at her husbands request. Presumably if he were unhappy or felt it unequal that she gets the £20 a month to spend as she wishes, in this case she chooses to gamble (I am assuming he too gets £20 a month personal spends) he’d have brought it up when he brought up the nails cost?

op you have been very fair to share your winnings across the whole family, including spends on children, holidays and kindly giving your dh £150 to spend on himself. He has no right to demand you consult him further regarding the money you fairly won with the £20 spends you have at your disposal per month!

Are people saying that, because the Op doesn't do a paid job outside of the home she should have no money at all, just for her own use?

Surely they are a team and they both have different roles at the moment. I would have thought that both should have some money each to spend on what they wish.

OP was getting regular beauty treatments and Botox, plus gambling and I’m guessing she doesn’t skimp on other things she wants. Meanwhile her husband couldn’t justify spending a couple hundred quid on a nice pair of trainers. It looks like OP get more than her share of fun money. This win should have gone to paying back the family money she has been gambling away.

OP doesn't say how much money her husband spends on himself every month

Whatever was agreed, he is clearly not happy. I’d tell him you’re going to go back to work early, as let’s face it, all your salary won’t go on nursery as he will pay half and you’ll get some funded hours. I guess it annoyed him that you didn’t give him more when he consider he’s paying for everything. Tell him that he will be stepping up more when you’re back to work with his share of drops off. When partners resent you not working, and he clearly does, then you need to make changes.

Just go back to work and then you can spend your money on what you want.

Surely the winnings should be split 50-50, since the gambling was done with shared family money? So it should be £200 into savings, £100 for each of the kids, £100 for the airport parking, and the remaining £500 split between them.

If OP’s DH had bought a lottery ticket and won £1000, would people think it was OK for him to keep a larger share for himself?

Do you contribute financially OP? If not then I do think it’s a bit unfair thats what his is yours/ours, but when you have money its yours to just do as you please with to be honest.

She contributes by doing all the childcare and domestic work, thus saving the whole family money.

And that’s great but that set up only works if everyone is happy with it- clearly he isn’t.

And even if you take this argument she is then “paid” through his earnings for that work, if she isn’t paying towards any bills etc. So my point remains, his money is ours, her money is just hers? Hmm

What happens when you go back to work full time with the school and nursery runs? Meal prep? Parenting? Doctors appointments? Sick days? Nursery fees? Does he expect you to contribute 50/50 but do everything?

Well now you know exactly what that loser really thinks.
I'm so sorry.
Time to return to work asap.
He can share the cost of childcare.
He has shown his hand, so you need to protect yourself by returning to work.

He is not a good man.

Did you discuss how you’d be splitting the winnings OP? Your dh has less than you have to spend on treats. If he’s used to a 50:50 split of everything, I can see why he’s upset.
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People are suggesting this like it’s a simple solution when it really isn’t.

In a perfect world OP would be able to get a job easily, have access to great reliable childcare that would fit around working hours, would share the cost of that childcare with her DH and only do 50% of domestic labour around the house when she is back at work. In practice, this would be very difficult and would probably lead to additional stress and difficulties for the OP.

OP - next time just keep your winnings to yourself, you’ve been very generous.