Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

I think you’ve been more than reasonable and I would’ve split the money similarly I think. I wouldn’t tell him if there’s a next time after that.

I wouldn’t have said anything and kept the money. You were more than fair. X

You have said here that you and your DH run a business. Whether you are active in that business or doing all the "wife work" that allows him time to do the business or doing both is neither here nor there. His attitude stinks. Time to go on strike and show him exactly what you do that "contributes" to the economic unit. Actually go away for a week and see how he fares. And yes before anyone says anything, I would feel the same way if it was a female breadwinner saying the same thing. Unless you are sat on your backside doing nothing, you are contributing.

Did he refuse the £150 for trainers or was he ok with your winnings being spent on him

I think thats an individual perspective and not really age related. Whilst I also in my 50s, have no interest in cosmetic surgery, wli or other similar stuff, my step mum who was about 20 years older would have been first on the queue if she had the money.

Personal choice.

I wouldn't blame you if you kept quiet about it next time you win.

Why ? She's already said that childcare costs would wipe out her earnings,plus there is the running of the home,children etc. Why are so .many people on mumsnet against sahp? What is wrong with being a homemaker and providing a comfortable life for their family

@chochobnob1

i would be leaving some written evidence around that I am researching nursery fees, but being careful to show that the fees are divided in two, labelled choc’s nursery fees, choc’s partners nursery fees. If you are working then it is only fair that you BOTH share the financial cost of looking after your children. He might be a bit shocked at the price of a nursery place and realise how much your being a SAHM is actually having a positive effect on the FAMILY budget.

HA! Just remembered we are talking nursery fees for two children. you might want to have some smelling salts and a fainting couch ready for when he sees the total!

To be honest you sound like you have everything in order with your finances and spending and you won that money you shouldn't have to ask for permission in spending on what ever you like. You sound like you are being financially controlled I've been there didn't realise this until 3 childrendoen the line and 15 years later. You should do what ever you want its your body your mind and no one can control that your doing amazing

Remind him he is only able to engage in paid work because you are doing all the unpaid work.

To me, it would implictly mean that certain things had to be cut back if I stopped earning for two years. Regular nails and brows would have to go. I agree that a one off win like this could be used for a wee treat or two for yourself, though.

Oh god I work with a woman who insists her dh was awful to her financially all the time she was married and not working. Then she says she had regular holidays abroad, expensive nights out and regular botox. But she never factors the cost of them.

He has a point though. You’re 34. Who needs botox at that young age?

Apologies for the sloppy English lol I'm busy with my children haha

I think in a marriage with joint finances, you should both be discussing all spends and decisions. So I wouldn't have just assumed it's your money I'd have asked him about his thoughts on how to spend it. I'd expect him to do the same with all earnings and winnings. It's just about respect tbh. I also include the inheritance in that. I recently got a small inheritance and spoke to DH about how I thought it should be used and why, and asked him whether he agreed. We both work. But our finances affect us both and we're a partnership.

You’ve been more than fair. Those were your winnings from your savings and you kindly gave the majority of it to the family. Call his bluff and open up the discussion about returning to work.

Well the ultimate solution if you're brave enough is to sod off for two weeks and leave him to it, then see how much work he thinks you do.

Omg sorry but he sounds absolutely awful, you could have kept evey penny to yourself but you distributed it so fairly bless you. Your right nursery fees are extortionate and actually sometimes more than someone's wages absolutely no point in paying someone else to look after your child up when you end up with no money at the end of pay day. He's lucky he goes to work and you look after the children and the house because he should be paying half the nursery fees if you went back to work. Also being a housewife is hard physically and mentally and your day doesn't stop, there is no undisturbed toilet or lunch break and like you say your up in the night too. It never ends. You work hard and he should see that and appreciate that. He could have told you to have the money for yourself in respect of what you do in the home and not having to pay nursery fees. Keep an eye of this behaviour I don't think he being fair or equal and sounds quite controlling.

If he runs his own business, cant he employ you?

He's got a point. Sounds like his money is family money and also yours to spend on gambling and beauty treatments. BUt yours isn't. Sorry but it's cheeky.

You won the money so it's up to you how you spend it. He is already getting a pair of trainers and £200 for savings! If you ask me he has a right cheek telling you what you can and can't spend YOUR money on! I'd be livid! Who does he think he is. He obviously doesn't appreciate what you have given him and you didn't have to do that! Seems to me he needs putting straight on a few things as it sounds like he doesn't understand just how much unpaid work you do in bringing up your children and keeping the home ticking over! Blooming men really tick me off at times!

Can I add, cleaning and cooking and looking after your own kids is not a job

Thats life admin. We all do it as well as hold down a job

What's wrong is that she can't use her own money to get a procedure done that she feels she needs because a man is kicking off as he feels he is the one bringing all the money in.

You could say that about anything. It's still work & if one partner does all the unpaid work it means the other is free to focus on paid work. Both are necessary.

So you’re working for free in his business, getting no pension contributions either.
id stop that and get a job, access to childcare funding and independence.
He’s taking the piss.