Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

You don’t own your husbands body, it’s his to do what he wants with. It’s 100% OPs choice alone what she does with her own body, her husband can have an opinion but it’s up to her.

How gross.

it’s so odd to think you can dictate how someone looks.

Ok twist my words fine, at what point did i say i wouldn’t allow my OH to do cosmetic procedures? I simply said that if he had a procedure done knowing full well i didn’t like that, damn right i wouldn’t be happy about it, its his body to do with what he likes sure- but dont expect me to be happy about something i don’t agree with.

It’s not your face tho is it!

I haven’t twisted your words at all, I didn’t say you wouldn’t allow him, I said it’s not your choice which it isn’t. You were questioning her doing it when he’s said he doesn’t like it. It’s not up to him, or you.

I’m pleased you are on top of what is happening financially with the business.

Please ensure it is paying you back for that vehicle though… it will be getting depreciated each year in the books as you know, and its book value doesn’t take long to get to zero.

my first DH and I had a company setup and unbeknown to me the then accountant (my then SIL’s former BF) had a sub account on the books of surplus funds coded to where he couldn’t account what the expense was.

It was put down as director drawings and I had no idea at the time. He would visit my then IL’s home for dinner (which was always arranged quite early for some reason) to do the annual return and was never when I could get there (I would be commuting back from my city job) so I had no idea until well down the track when I changed Accountants.

Basically it seemed to me it was due to my Ex not keeping receipts. In fairness once it was explained to him, He didn’t understand the obligations of the drawings account either…

I changed our Accountant after our marriage and bought a book keeping programme for the computer. Did the coding myself and monthly tax obligations. Easier for him to recollect amounts and I also opened trade accounts so withdrawals were reduced. Things are better to trace these days with mostly electronic transactions but not so much then.

when we divorced, his family were agast that I wanted “my” share of the earlier debt put into his name and felt it should have come out from our private asset being our first home.

Fortunately DH was better educated by then as to what the former Accountant had done and took it on under a sole directorship.

(hilariously I heard his 2nd wife making a big deal that she wasn’t going be a director on the business due to me, but she doesn’t mind driving around in a new model lease car that the business provides them… )

anyhow I’m always concerned for partners who are involved in business esses but who may have no idea of the consequences. There’s shifty people out there and also uneducated ones who have no idea of what running a business entails.

ps enjoy your cosmetic procedures!

Well you said you were with her up until that post, so what then? you're on his side and think his behaviour is valid?

How would 'not happy about it' translate into behaviour for you? Would you try to degrade him like he did with the OP by saying she didn't contribute financially? Would you give him the silent treatment over it?

Meaning its her money to spend on what she wants, she wanted the cosmetic procedure, fine but i was under the impression that her DH was solely upset that she would be spending the money- not that he disliked cosmetic procedures aswell.
His behaviour behind her spending the money was unwarranted but knowing that he is also upset that she is getting a procedure done he specifically said he didn’t like- i can understand why he would be so upset, as i would be too, no i don’t believe in degrading or insulting people, its uncalled for even in the heat of an argument, and being unhappy with something doesn’t have to translate into behaviour i can be unhappy about something but as i couldn’t do anything to change it whats the point in antagonising the situation further.

Ok but in the OP she described how he had treated her, she didn't just say he was upset, and you said you with her until you heard the extra detail, which implied you were then with her partner and condoned the behavior.

No that does not mean i condone his behaviour it means i understand why he was so upset, does that mean he has a right to insult and degrade her? no- but people sometimes can’t stop that behaviour in the heat of the moment, before OP said about him also disliking cosmetic procedures i thought he was waaayy over reacting to her spending some money but clearly its not just about her spending the money.

It wasn't just the heat of the moment, he doubled down the next day and was giving her the silent treatment.
If the issue is really about the cosmetic treatments then he should have copped on and apologized for what he said about her not contributing.

And as i said in a previous post i didn’t agree with that behaviour, but again i can understand why he was upset about her having a procedure that he didn’t like.
My OH face is very dear to me, every line and crinkle, every scar and if he started to change his face i would be upset about it and imo thats not unreasonable.

Why aren't you paid for the work you do for his business OP? Surely that would be both fair and tax efficient.

I would consider it their business if she is office support as she appears to be…

She wasn't asking that though.

She also stopped getting her nails done because he complained about the cost of that too. So this is definitely not just a case of him being upset if she changes her face.
He either resents her spending money despite her having her own savings, looking after 2 tiny kids and helping him to run the business or is a control freak about beauty treatments even to the point of nails and to get his own way moans at her about money.

Neither are good.

Her body (and face) her choice.

OP as a PP said, mn seems to have been swarmed by bots. Ignore them, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I voted yanbu and nothing I've read here since has changed my mind.

I would however make sure that you keep copies of business info, bank accounts etc. Just because I've seen too many women who have contributed hugely to their DHs success by acting as unpaid admin as well as all the day to day parenting and life admin, only to be ditched and usually left penniless. Not saying that will happen to you but your DH has presumably surprised you with this attitude?

If my partner chose to spend money on botox, other procedures and/or online gambling id consider it a waste of money. Thats just my personal opinion.
In the same position I wouldn't spend money on this type of thing.
However, this scenario wouldn't cause an arguement or disagreement unless there was something essential or important the money could have otherwise paid for.
Could this be the case and your not aware as hes in charge of the finances?

OP says that she has access to all business and bank accounts so she knows there's no underlying financial issues.

@kkloo he may have taken out credit or made a purchase without her knowledge.
She cant possibly know shes seen everything even if she believes that to be the case.
Imo his behaviour speaks of panic.

I’m not too sure about that. I’ve seen guys like this before in the building industry, they don’t value their partner’s time in the office, being able to pick up material at the drop of a hat when they forget, dealing with accounts, client enquiries and then family organisation, yet they collapse in a heap when She leaves.

my suggestion would be to draw personal expenditure into another account he doesn’t have access to. Then what She spends it on is up to her…

@kkloo hence my original question to the OP. You dont know the answer and neither do I.

I’d be concerned about my partner spending family money on gambling.

OP uses her own money to do it.

Isn’t OP’s money family money too?