Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Time to start applying for jobs OP, then you can spend as freely as your salary allows , of course after your 50% share of family costs are paid. Your financial set up seems strange, I agree that it seems you view your savings as your money but his salary as family money. Thats doesn’t sit right, it’s either all in or totally separate. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

This attitude towards how you’ve spent your winnings would have me returning to work, which would not only mean splitting the childcare costs, but also all of the in home jobs that you currently do.
I have a feeling that he’d soon change his tune with the possibility of that.

i work part time so do the lions share at home, however as my partner earns more than me nearly all of my appointments hair, the odd tweakment etc are funded by him.
he occasionally likes an online gamble too, and what happens there is no concern of mine. Doesn’t matter if he wins £100 or loses £30.
he would do the same as you if he won £1000 (as in give me some towards something I would like) and I would pass zero comment on what he decided to do with the rest.

Still very unclear.

Never mind beauty treatments, do you have provision for yourself, your pension etc, as your more urgent priority?

Would it be best to formalise your work and employment again at the business and ensure your pension is sorted, and get the 30 free child care? Are you compensated properly if you do this?

Would it even be best to get a job outside of the business and get other child care, where DH pays half of it?

He could be cautious but he could be mean. I think beauty treatments are unnecessary as an expense if things are tighter than you are aware of, and he doesn’t spend money on himself. Are you properly kept in the loop about what is happening with the business financially? Is the business 50/50, did you set it up together?

If she is very much doing him a favour by raising their joint children and saving him childcare fees, you could equally argue that he is very much doing her a favour by not charging her for rent, her share of the gas and electric bills, council tax, food etc.

Both notions are absurd! They are a married couple, not a couple of strangers doing each other favours. They are each making a valuable contribution to the household and each should have equal access to the household finances.

I think there are two issues.

1. While the OP is happy to take her gambling stakes out of the family pot, she doesn’t want to put all her winnings back into that pot. On this occasion she has had a big win, but I imagine that over the course of the marriage she will probably lose more than she wins.

2. She and her husband don’t see eye to eye on spending priorities.

I was a SAHM for two years and took whatever I wanted from our joint bank account to buy things we needed. However, with only one wage coming in, and more mouths to feed, we obviously had to adjust our spending.

My husband never once questioned my spending, but I know he wouldn’t have been impressed if I had spent hundreds of pounds every year on gambling, Botox/filler, and having my nails done, especially if he was having to restrict his own spending. Equally, I wouldn’t have been happy if he had spent hundreds of pounds on similarly unnecessary items if I felt that I was being frugal myself.

The OP says that they live comfortably. I rather suspect that she is living more comfortably than he is (given that he hasn’t been able to afford new trainers) and that he is starting to resent it.

The answer obviously is to discuss and agree priorities together. That might mean some lower priorities have to be put on hold until the OP is back
at work and finances improve.