Won some money, AIBU?

[chochobnob1]

Each month, I allow myself £20 to play slots on an online gambling site. It’s only ever £20.

Friday night, I was playing and won the jackpot which was £1000.

I have a 3 year old and 10 month old.

DH and I run our own business. We live comfortably, very fortunate to be able to afford a holiday abroad once a year, we can afford our bills and food shopping, the kids clothes, birthdays and Christmases (within reason, we don’t spend thousands, 3 year old has £100 limit for Christmas and same for birthday). 10 month old will have the same, probably only £50 for first birthday due to it all being a bit pointless when he doesn’t understand, that’s what we did with DD for her first but anyway I’m rambling, you catch my drift.

Saturday morning, I told him I won the money. I transferred him £100 to pay for the airport parking (we go away next week), £150 to treat himself to some new trainers as he wants some smart ones he can wear out instead of his work ones. I also transferred £200 into our savings. £100 into each child’s savings accounts.

I then said that I’m going to treat my self to tear trough filler due to it being a madejce insecurity of mine (very dark circles and hollow). I’m 34 for reference and I have Botox twice a year (the lady I go to is a Dr and I wouldn’t let just anyone near my face with botox/filler etc). I never buy myself new clothes unless it’s a special occasion like a wedding etc.

I stopped getting my nails done 2 months ago because he moaned about the cost every 3 weeks (£28 plus £8 for eyebrow wax).

This blew up into a big argument once kids had gone to bed, he said that something that really hurt me “I’m not being funny but you don’t contribute financially or work”. This really upset me, if I went back to work I’d be paying my whole wage on nursery fees for my youngest so we agreed when we decided to try for a second baby that I would stay home for 2 years like I did with my daughter and then to back to work.

I’m feeling like I’m less than him because I don’t earn money, I feel like I’m not entitled to treat myself out of my winnings.

He’s doubling down and giving me the silent treatment today. He didn’t like it last night when I told him I’m a 34 year old woman and can do exactly what I like. He said I should have discussed it with him before booking in.

To be clear, our bills are up to date and no debt other than a couple of credit cards including a business one but they’re always paid off each month and no issues there.

Time to start applying for jobs OP, then you can spend as freely as your salary allows , of course after your 50% share of family costs are paid. Your financial set up seems strange, I agree that it seems you view your savings as your money but his salary as family money. Thats doesn’t sit right, it’s either all in or totally separate. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

This attitude towards how you’ve spent your winnings would have me returning to work, which would not only mean splitting the childcare costs, but also all of the in home jobs that you currently do.
I have a feeling that he’d soon change his tune with the possibility of that.

i work part time so do the lions share at home, however as my partner earns more than me nearly all of my appointments hair, the odd tweakment etc are funded by him.
he occasionally likes an online gamble too, and what happens there is no concern of mine. Doesn’t matter if he wins £100 or loses £30.
he would do the same as you if he won £1000 (as in give me some towards something I would like) and I would pass zero comment on what he decided to do with the rest.

Still very unclear.

Never mind beauty treatments, do you have provision for yourself, your pension etc, as your more urgent priority?

Would it be best to formalise your work and employment again at the business and ensure your pension is sorted, and get the 30 free child care? Are you compensated properly if you do this?

Would it even be best to get a job outside of the business and get other child care, where DH pays half of it?

He could be cautious but he could be mean. I think beauty treatments are unnecessary as an expense if things are tighter than you are aware of, and he doesn’t spend money on himself. Are you properly kept in the loop about what is happening with the business financially? Is the business 50/50, did you set it up together?

If she is very much doing him a favour by raising their joint children and saving him childcare fees, you could equally argue that he is very much doing her a favour by not charging her for rent, her share of the gas and electric bills, council tax, food etc.

Both notions are absurd! They are a married couple, not a couple of strangers doing each other favours. They are each making a valuable contribution to the household and each should have equal access to the household finances.

I think there are two issues.

1. While the OP is happy to take her gambling stakes out of the family pot, she doesn’t want to put all her winnings back into that pot. On this occasion she has had a big win, but I imagine that over the course of the marriage she will probably lose more than she wins.

2. She and her husband don’t see eye to eye on spending priorities.

I was a SAHM for two years and took whatever I wanted from our joint bank account to buy things we needed. However, with only one wage coming in, and more mouths to feed, we obviously had to adjust our spending.

My husband never once questioned my spending, but I know he wouldn’t have been impressed if I had spent hundreds of pounds every year on gambling, Botox/filler, and having my nails done, especially if he was having to restrict his own spending. Equally, I wouldn’t have been happy if he had spent hundreds of pounds on similarly unnecessary items if I felt that I was being frugal myself.

The OP says that they live comfortably. I rather suspect that she is living more comfortably than he is (given that he hasn’t been able to afford new trainers) and that he is starting to resent it.

The answer obviously is to discuss and agree priorities together. That might mean some lower priorities have to be put on hold until the OP is back
at work and finances improve.

What are you talking about? I'm not blaming anyone for anything. She said her husband couldn't do his job if she worked despite most families having 2 working parents. I am not 'blaming' her for anything just saying it's a choice she made because she wanted to, it was nothing to do with her husband's job. It also isn't really a joint decision. He doesn't get to choose whether she works or not. It's her choice.

It is a joint decision, because they decided together, she said this in the OP.

No. She made the decision. He agreed with it. That's very different. No man can make a decision about whether a woman works or not.

She says ‘we agreed’. If you have no reading comprehension or just think OP is a liar there’s not much point posting any further.

You're really not getting it are you! A man cannot force a woman to work. A man cannot force a woman not to work. It is her decision. On this occasion they have agreed that her choice is the right one but if they hadn't she would still have a choice because nobody can force anyone to work/not work.

He could have not agreed to having the second child, and he could refuse to fund her life, it’s a decision they made together. How can someone be so totally clueless about how relationships could possibly work

I'd knock the slots on the head-slippery slope and one of the most addictive forms of gambling. And £20 doesn't last 5 mins. Is that really all you spend on them a month?

So your money (savings and winnings) - is your money but his money is family money.

You have Boris twice a year and was getting your nails and eyebrows done every 3 weeks - which he would have been paying for since he was moaning about the cost of it.

He’s the one paying for family holidays, on top of everything else.
It almost seems like you felt like you were doing him a favour by paying the airport parking.

I can see why he’s a bit miffed tbh and your update has made me think he’s not BU.

You don’t work, you don’t contribute financially, you have savings but these are just yours and not the families, even though his money is yours and the families, and when you do get a bit of money you immediately see it as yours and feel he should be grateful that you shared any of it.

He doesn’t value your time at all. Go back to work, and tell him he is responsible for half the childcare fees, half the childcare at home, half the cost of a cleaner, half the cooking etc.

Wow, sorry you're having a hard time in understanding what a joint decision is.

Yes really it is, I don’t smoke, drink alcohol or anything like that. I pay 50p a spin and once it’s gone it’s gone.

My savings is inheritance I was kindly given by a great grandparent. I bought our family car and DH work van out of it. I was also using it to get my nails done, Botox twice a year. If he ever needed money, I would willingly give him a what he needed out of the savings account.

When you say 'DH and I run our own business' do you contribute unpaid work to the business by doing the invoices or something similar? If so, you should have at least a notional salary. You need to talk to your DH and have a nice, clear conversation about income and expenditure. Maybe wait until the dust has settled a bit over how you spent you winnings.

Get yourself back to work . Tell him as much and I bet he won't want you too but you must.
Start saving as you may need an escape fund by the sounds of it

He is the provider of the household fund. He is self-employed. Maybe he has concerns about the business/income. I don't consider nails and Botox to be essentials, but that's me. A lot of women do.

TBH OP I think that if you take from the family pot to
play any winnings should go back into the family pot. It would be completely different if you had separate finances and were spending from there instead

She isn’t using family money to gamble she’s using it from her own savings from an inheritance

Just to offer a different perspective... DP has his own business. He once explained to me that he thinks of every purchase in terms of how many hours he'd have to work to earn that money, because every extra hour he has to work is an hour away from spending time with the kids and helping with chores.
You said you have recently stopped getting your nails and eyebrows done. To you, it was just £36 every three weeks so not a huge sum. To him, it might have been whole days extra that he has to work each year just to cover that one unnecessary expense.

Hang on OP, your post states you BOTH run your own business, you are also a SAHM to 2 young children so where does the "you don't work" come in to it?

Also, you paid out over half your winnings to him, the joint savings, the car parking and your children's future so it isn't as if you have kept every penny to yourself and denied the whole family extras.
My response to him at this point would be to say "ok, let's see how much a nanny/au pair, housekeeper (or cook & cleaner), chauffeur etc would cost us if I didnt do any of those jobs that I do as a contribution to the family and let's see, in monetary terms, who is actually giving more!"
Then when those figures are added up, I would tell him unless he apologises, he will be doing all his own cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry thereby freeing you up to have some "you time" on a regular basis.
And before the "what if the roles were reversed" brigade come at me, I would be saying exactly the same if a guy had posted this.

Reading all these posts on mum'snet recently, there seems to be a lot of men out there who don't realise how lucky they are to have such good wives, who seem to sort the house, the children, finances etc. What do these men want in life??
So glad I had a good one!

Hmmm this is tricky.

what I would say is I went back to work and laid my entire salary out as nursery costs. Every single penny for 2 years. Was utterly demoralising.

heoever nursery fees were apportioned to both of us so my earnings after my share of the nursery fees were my own.

bigger than that was I kept my career going and got promoted and ended up earning a lot more later. It stopped me being reliant on my husband bringing in the money.