To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

I would refrain mainly because your daughter has specifically asked you not to send anything. She potentially has quite a bit to deal with from (1) being disappointed in her own wedding day and dealing with the embarrassment and regret over having allowed this person to speak (2) resentment of her husband for choosing an inappropriate person and for having shared details she found too intimate and (3) ongoing problems if the husband is excusing the friend or minimising her feelings now. I'd try to support her directly as well as you can.

I DO completely understand your intense anger AT the best man, but it might be best to vent it in a way that doesn't conflict with your daughter's wishes or potentially complicate her dealing with the situation her own way - maybe get it all out on paper/on the screen but DON'T send it?

Something similar happened at the wedding of my DH's cousin. I think to any sane person, it reflects poorly on the BM rather than the couple. If anything people feel sympathy for the couple having had to listen to a shit, ill judged best man speech. In DH cousin's case, I think the BM came across as being someone socially awkward to begin with and didn't think through how what he was saying came across. If you know the BM and for sure know he deliberately tried to humiliate your DD, that would be different.

This.

It was for the groom or his parents to tell him to sit down and shut it at the time. If my DS’s best man gave a speech like that I would have dealt with it in the same way I’d deal with a student who was out of line.

They are grown ups not kids, your daughter and her husband can deal with it, it’s not on you.

I have never been to a wedding where the best man's speech was so graphic or explicit, and definitely never swearing to that extent. One granny offended by a long story and best man and the groom having too much to drink and trying to light each other's farts was about as bad as it got.

The groom should have bloody stopped him.

Well that sounds repulsive 🤮. I can see why you are very angry. The groom should 100% say something and take some accountability for his choices. It will be unlikely to have an impact on him if you send him a message.

Your poor daughter.
I am not surprised she is very upset and you must be too, to have realised how low rent her new husband is to have chosen so poorly.

Your son in law has made a holy show of himself, his new wife and family, displaying to one and all how he decided to choose the dregs of society to speak for him on his wedding day.
Who does that?
Certainly not someone who cares about the feelings of his wife and her family.

I wouldn't dream of contacting him, but I wouldn't hesitate to be very supportive of my daughter, and make it clear to your son in law that his friend seriously spoiled the day and has left everyone with a very poor impression of him and where he comes from.

I know some on MN will happily tell you such crass behaviour is their norm, and it happens regularly, but it really really isn't.
I have been to so many wedding, many over the past 5 years of lots of couples in their 30's.
All speeches have been hilarious, witty, respectful and often emotional.

Not one has felt the need to make a holy show of the couple and embarrass the familys amongst relatives and friends.

If it was my daughter I would be furious.

Why someone didn't intervene and grab the mike from him is seriously strange.

Your daughter and new son in law should be the ones who are having a word with him. Hopefully your son in law will bin him and no longer be friends with this man. If he keeps him as a friend, I’d be very concerned as to the type of man your daughter has married because your choice of friends says a lot about who you are. If your son in law keeps him around, I’d presume he too was like one of the Inbetweeners.

I would prob say something but also to the groom your sil

Why didn’t he say or stop the best man once it was obvious too much

he didn’t look after and support /protect your daughter ,the wife he is meant to love

this would anger me

Is Darren the new Karen?, asking for a friend.

👏👏👏

I am still proud of giving a bridesmaid speech in 1984. The bride's mother, as we ran through the order of speeches the evening before, said: 'I am sure Ida is quite capable of giving her own speech. She doesn't need the best man to respond on her behalf', the best man being her son. At my own wedding, I spoke too. It's high time that women speaking wasn't seen as unusual.

Your poor daughter. What a crass thing to do. That would have been hard for the guests to sit through. Not much point talking to him though I hope the groom has.

Something similar happened at my DS's wedding. His best man, a friend from childhood, decided it would get him brownie points with the bride and a few laughs to pull my son's exes to bits including minute details of a near naked ONS on his settee,several fattist observations of others (bride was about a size 20 and very self conscious of her weight) concluding that the bride was about the best of a bad bunch.
The bride turned out to be an awful control freak and narcissist so gave my son absolute hell later on and it ruined the wedding day from there on.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway even without the wedding speech and
my son tried divorce her five years later, she blocked him at every turn from doing so, lies blackmail and she weaponised access to his children.

@KerriiK and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping.

Exact same joke with the same punchline was made by a best man at a wedding for one of my family members. We were all pissing ourselves with laughter.

I'm also a bit bemused at you saying the speech was "a wannabe stand up routine" as if it was unusual. Almost all best man's speeches are written to be funny.

I think you and your daughter need to be a bit less wound up. And this is coming from a man who has a reputation for being boring as fuck.

No 🤣 I was just thinking of an unlikely name for a youngish man. I don’t use Karen as sexist so wouldn’t use a name as shorthand for a generalisation.

Take it one step further, message his mum and ask her for a fight.

seriously, don’t contact him. Time has gone. I’ve never been to a wedding where the best man has decided to become a chubby brown tribute act but I’d be unimpressed. Such a shitty thing to do, I’ve only ever been one wedding where the speech was amazing, he was a very talented speaker, lovely person and bloody hilarious in a very gentle way. It’s a skill making a speech and clearly the unfunny fucker who made the one at your DDs wedding didn’t have it.
Is he single? Imagine being his partner watching him ruin the speeches, you’d be mortified!

I wouldn’t message the best man but I would be prepared to absolutely lay into him
if or when I saw him next.
He should be told face to face and preferably in front of others that his behavior was

utterly offensive, inappropriate and not in the least amusing — he went much too far.
He spoiled the wedding for you. Tell him so.
(I would also use words like crass, buffoon, shameful and socially ignorant. )
Also as he was a friend of your DD’s husband she could and should make it clear to both of them that ‘friend’ will not be welcome in her home.

After 2 years I think its too late really .I would leave it,support your DD and try and put it behind you .He sounds awful

Two weeks, not two years.

Really? I mean really?? I'd have been appalled. Not remotely funny. Not something to revel in.

The speech sounds awful but YABU

Your DD is a grown woman and does not need her mum embarrassing her.

You will likely make it 10x worse.

I’m struggling to understand why it would have such a lasting impact without it meaning that her DH had lied to her - which if that’s the case then it’s a DH problem and no amount of taking to the BM will change that.

My mil did a speech at b/sil wedding… I’m not sure that’s a great idea either 🙊

Your daughter has asked you not to. That's the answer.

Really? I’ve never been to a wedding where the best man decided to say anything that would be likely to offend or upset people. Some taking the piss of the groom, sure. But not in any way that was likely to be an issue. Not every best man chooses to be an absolute dick, or loses any common sense the second they’re handed a microphone.