To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

Don't. You'll only make things worse.

It's up to the groom to handle it. If he's ok with it then she's got bigger problems than dealing with the best man.

He would have written this speech, so the drunken element is a lame excuse.

I would find this unforgivable. I've been to many weddings and never encountered this, so not sure about pp's saying it's fairly usual for a BM to make such a crude and offensive speech.

YABU though OP, because there is nothing you can do now. I would be more concerned about the man your daughter has married tbh.

I’m not saying the act itself was the issue, although I do think an oral story in a wedding speech from front of kids and relatives isn’t very vanilla. But it’s not explicitly clear whether if this was on a lads holiday when he was actually with the bride though, and I think most are reading that’s why it was so shocking to all her relatives as it’s basically outing what he’s like when she’s not there. That’s where the sleaze comes into it.

In a woman's vagina bits doing oral sex?

Leave it - the only person it reflects badly on is the best man and the groom for picking him and not intervening.

I’m sorry your daughter is upset but it’s up to her husband to rectify it. I don’t know why men do this, I’ve been to a couple of weddings where there was a bit of innuendo but never anything like that. Most people will just think he’s a dickhead.

We went to a wedding where the best man’s speech was truly shocking. Descriptive stories of urination and the bride’s bottom. There were young children and elderly relatives present. We all gasped and looked at each other. It was embarrassing. Even my kids said they felt embarrassed! I do think some people don’t know how to adjust their material to the audience. They actually think they’re great and everyone loves what they say! Truly vulgar and shocking. I feel sorry for the bride when this happens as it ruins their day.

I doubt his face was in the woman's vagina unless a) he has a tiny head; b) the woman had a huge vagina.

What would be the point of saying anything? It’s not like you giving a grown man a telling-off is actually going to change anything. The speech will still have happened. The only real outcome of you saying something is that your DD and SIL will be embarrassed even further by your interference. If they want to say something to their best man, that’s up to them. But they’re adults and they can manage this themselves without you getting involved.

If your DD is old enough to get married, she’s old enough to use her own words with the best man. Please don’t be that helicopter parent who can’t cut the apron strings.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

YANBU to be very angry with this man but messaging him personally won't do anything constructive. Your SIL should be the one to take it up with his friend.

Your poor Dd, OP.
Horrible.

I do wonder why we are all so lacking in confidence to take control of a situation like that and step in, grab the mic and shout ‘Next!’ Or ‘ Thank you Darren, time for your lie down’ or ‘Not appropriate so let’s leave it there, and introduce … the next toast’

Unfortunately OP, if you vent your anger at him now an arrogant twat like that will just make a drama of laughing behind your back.

I wouldn’t pretend that it was OK though, if it comes up with your SIL. You can’t bring it up ad nauseam over the next 5 years but you don’t have to pretend that it didn’t really upset you in behalf of your Dd.

It's not your place to say anything. It's up to your DD or her husband. I'm surprised neither her husband or bridesmaid interrupted the best man and shuffled him off the stage once it became clear his speech was nothing but misogynistic musings.

That’s really awful. However your DD and her DH are adults and it was their event – allow them to navigate it in the way they want to. Offer your DD support if she needs it.

This ^

He'll probably just laugh at the OP.

I agree the groom should have shut him up at the time.

Too late now

I’d say something. If we don’t call out disgusting behaviour in men it will simply carry on.

God knows why we get a line up of men talking at weddings anyway.

Sexist patriarchal traditions breed bad male behaviour . Who the hell do they think they are?

Let’s have mother of groom, bridesmaid and bride.

It's up to your son in law to say something and someone should have cut the speech short on the day.

It’s because many men arrogantly underestimate how much preparation a good speech demands, they’re unaccustomed to public speaking, so they get nervous and drink too much for Dutch courage and the speech has no real structure or “waypoints”. In the absence of this important preparation, they fall back on inappropriate, ill-advised, lewd and normally unfunny anecdotes.

I have seen inappropriate comments in both best men and FOB speeches - absolutely cringeworthy. No excuse these days, with AI (failing actual intelligence) to write the speech for them.

Ghastly.

I understand the anger at the blatant disrespect but can you imagine the abysmal mother-in-law jokes down the pub 😩 I'm angry all over again just thinking about it.
I hate when some most men prioritise banter and making their dipshit mates laugh than being adults , and they're never fcking funny.

The time to say something to the best man was at the first crude joke where the MC or someone else at the top table should have taken the mic off him and said “thank you moving on …” what’s concerning is the groom’s choice in a friend who would have to have actually put pen to paper when sober and thought this was a suitable speech.

so don’t say anything to the best man as it won’t achieve anything. By all means support your DD and you may wish to say something briefly to your son in law ; but as others have said it’s up to your DD to process this. Hopefully you will have lots of lovely photos to remember the good parts of the day

That's just him having sex though, presumably prior to this relationship - unless I missed it the implication wasn't that he was cheating? As a single guy that is fine, not disagreeable, the best man just walked in on it and should have kept that private!

My DM gave a speech at my wedding in my DF’s absence and she utterly humiliated in front of nearly 100 guests (totally different to poster’s DD situation). Three guests came up to me later on to ask if I was OK.

Unless you’ve been on the receiving end of this situation you have no idea what it was like to be embarrassed and humiliated on your wedding day and in front of dozens of people, while you have to sit there with a smile plastered on your face at the top table.

In my situation it was the very last straw and I went NC. If you don’t call people out on their shocking behaviour then they just continue through life being inappropriate arseholes.

I think many best men secretly hate and resent the bride and are subconsciously trying to sabotage the marriage by making embarrassing wedding speeches!

This happened to me at my wedding extremely similar content in the speech. I already disliked the best man so this just sealed it. I was angry and humiliated. My DH was uncomfortable but said nothing and it caused tension between us for a while.

It didn't ruin my day but it is still unfortunately something I do remember 10+ years later.

The best man's dad and brother did come and apologise to me and said they had told him not to put any of it in, apparently he found it funny. None of our guests found it funny and he was told so by a number of them.

Having said that. It absolutely isn't your place to say anything now. If you wanted to say something your time to do it was at the wedding.