To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

No. You should leave it now.

I totally understand that you’re upset & feel it tainted your DDs day somewhat. It was definitely out of order and I would also be furious in your position. However I don’t think messaging the kind of man who found this funny in the first place would help you or DD. In fact his response may make you more angry and upset.

Weddings are the ultimate 'mixed company' usually, with a potential cross section from toddlers to 90+, not an audience who has paid to see a 'blue' comedian. Really dreadful behaviour but I think all you can do is support your DD. 'Best' man won't care and groom should be making it plain that what he did was foul.

Far too late now OP. The time was then not weeks later. You’re only doing it to make yourself feel better IMO. It won’t change anything and won’t make your DD feel better

I've seen a few of these. Always horrible and embarrassing but really not in your remit as MOB, and absolutely nothing to do about it now. It might make you feel a bit better briefly but it's not about you. Support your daughter and leave it there.

No, don't say anything. All it can possibly do is make things worse for your daughter. This isn't for you to fix, it's between your daughter, her husband and the best man to sort out.

I understand why you were persuaded against "saying something" on the day in order to avoid making an even bigger issue of it.

It's a pity there wasn't another usher or the groom himself able to cut the speech short when it started to go out of hand.

I agree that the best scenario now is for the best man to apologise to the bride and the groom is best placed to arrange this.

Facebook doesn't feel like the appropriate forum for you to contact the best man. Perhaps a letter if you could obtain his address, but do consider what it is you want to say and on whose behalf. I expect your daughter would well be able to speak for herself. If you were writing on your behalf maybe it is as an older man and father to express how he let himself down and let the groom down.

Really? I can't think of a single best man's speech that's caused any upset at the weddings I've been too.

Stories about silly antics, yes. Stories about the grooms head in another womans cunt? Absolutely not

But tbf those sort of speeches don't come from nowhere. None of the men in my social circle would find that particularly funny and so are unlikely to chose that type of person as their best man

Can understand your desire to say something.

Try typing it out, or writing it, then delete it or rip it up and put it in the bin. Sometimes just getting it off your chest can make you feel better.

How dreadful for you and your DD. The groom was spineless and should have intervened out of respect for his bride and all the guests who don't want to listen to language that should have no place at a wedding. The best man is immature not to have taken his responsibilities more seriously by drinking far less so he didn't make a tit of himself and upset lots of people. An intervention from you may achieve nothing but it may spare other wedding parties the best man's poor behaviour. If your DD and SIL are OK with you contacting him, I'd do it, but by phone, and resisting the temptation to rant.

This. My first thought too. Who the hell has she married if this is who he rates highly? If you must speak to anyone speak to your son in law. Tell him you are appalled and didn’t think it was at all acceptable.

If this is how they speak in public can only imagine behind the scenes. I’d be keeping an eye on son in law. He should’ve binned the best man and consoled his new Wife who was rightly upset.

It’s too late now, the Groom should’ve intervened when he was giving his speech! I feel so sorry for your Daughter.

I have been to lots of weddings, and never experienced anything like this.

How does the groom do that exactly? Short of causing a scene which would probably be much worse than dealing with it afterwards

Going against the consensus, I would have to say something to the idiot. I'd need to get the thing off my chest & know that I'd said my piece. But I wouldn't do it via Facebook or a text. I'd go to his house and, as calmly as possible, tell him how inappropriate he was & how it did, to some extent, spoil the day.

According to the few friends I still have, I am relatively good as not getting angry while getting my point across. That wasn't always the case but these days I have to say my bit or it eats away at me.

If he's the sort of man that would say any of that at a wedding reception, he's not going to be interested in your anger, OP. Write it all down then set fire to the piece of paper.

But I would be questioning my son in law as to why he thought this man was the best choice for that role for some time.

Stay out of it. Your daughter is a grown up married woman, you can’t be thinking it’s reasonable to tell off her husband’s friends whatever they did.

I feel awfully bad saying this, but I laughed when I read your post @KerriiK. Totally understand that the wedding party were not thrilled but I bet the guests loved the shock, horror drama of it. I would have been extremely entertained by his speech. 😬

But of course shame on him. I’d would suspect he doesn’t like your daughter to disrespect her like that on her wedding day.

The groom should have stopped him (in fact shouldn’t have chosen him in the first place). At the very least I would hope he had words with him afterwards.

Dread to think what happened on the stag if his speech reflected what he and DH’s mates are like

He was giving a woman oral sex. It's fairly vanilla. Not that that makes it suitable for a best man's speech, of course.

Really?

I have never been to a wedding where anyone made an inappropriate speech.

I wouldn't say anything. You say there's tension between your DD and her husband - you wouldn't be helping. No one is going to think the worse of your daughter for this, so I'd keep her dignity intact and stay out of it.

No, leave it alone. It's too late, it's done. Why did no one shush him at the time? You'll just come across as controlling.

Your poor daughter. What a buffoon. I don't know why some people can't enjoy themselves without getting completely paralytic.

Very inappropriate and embarrassing but your daughter has reached an age now where it’s time for you to stand back and only help if she asks you to. I don’t think your getting involved would be appreciated.

It was an ex partner.

I get why you are upset but it’s up to your SIL and Dd to decide how they deal with it. Don’t add to it.

You need to stay out of this.

Your daughter and her husband need to navigate their relationship with his friend going forward. This is going to be a tricky test early in their marriage.

If you say anything, you become the interfering MIL in their marriage. You will be inserting yourself into a drama they need to handle on their own.

Your job is to offer emotional support to your daughter if she asks to talk. Otherwise, be quiet.