To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

Don't bother, it won't achieve anything.

No, blimey, someone should have stopped it at the time with a brief and sharp thank you Darren, we’re out of time, on to …

The groom should have stopped it at the time, and should have spoken with the best man after as well. If he hasn't, then he's the problem as well.

Totally inappropriate of best man but no, rise above it. You can't undo what was said.

There’s nothing you can do now.

I would be prepared to comfort your DD when she leaves, or stays in an unhappy marriage, as the grooms friends, who clearly have little respect for women, will very much be a reflection of who the groom himself is………..

YANBU to be cross with him, but I would say there is no point in bringing it up with him. Anyone who would make a speech like that at a wedding is not going to feel any remorse.

I hate weddings where this happens but sadly you’re not unique in it happening. But I am afraid it’s done now. Let DD and her DH sort it out between them, realise it will seem much bigger to you than to most guests and everyone will judge the best man, not your DD. Hopefully her husband will distance himself from this idiot.

Nothing to be gained. It’s for your DD to work out with her new husband and set her own boundaries about role the best man plays in her life moving forward.

I wouldn’t say anything but hopefully your son in law will distance himself and realistically your dd won’t want to socialise with him. It doesn’t reflect well on son in law he chose such a knob as his best man.

Blimey it’s a bit late now 😂
Just leave it op, the time has well and truly passed.

What’s done is done. Just be there for your daughter. I hope for her sake that her new DH agrees that the best man was out of line though.

Could your new SIL have a word? Is it a friend of his, or a relative? I mean, what's done's done and you can't "fix" it, but your SIL could make it clear that he overstepped the mark and offended a lot of people.

I assume this is very common because I was at a wedding very recently where something almost identical happened (or it was the same wedding...! Which isn't impossible...). Bride looked furious, groom looked very uncomfortable, everyone was raising an eyebrow. I think lads decide to try and be funny for the best man's speech and end up going way too far. I don't think it's for you to message, though - there's no actual outcome now that will change anything, so other than an apology from the best man to the bride (which I'd argue is the groom's job to sort), you messaging isn't going to actually make any difference, and will most likely get him to double down.

Let the groom sort it.

What would be the point OP? It has already happened, and won't be the first or last time a best man has made an inappropriate speech. People will quickly forget. This guy is presumably you son in law's friend, so keep out of it and don't make things worse.

I was at a wedding where something similar happened. Best man told loads of filthy anecdotes and spoke about the groom’s fondness for prostitutes. It was awful nobody laughed and people were visibly stunned. I have no idea how someone in the wedding party didn’t take the mic off of him.

Anyway, OP, this is not your battle. Nothing you do can undo what happened, and your daughter and her husband are adults so it’s not your role to jump into the middle of a situation between them and their friend.

Don’t do anything, but similarly don’t forget that the only person who this reflects poorly on is the best man.

We had a similar scenario at a family wedding a few years back. I've no idea why the bridegroom selected the best man and his speech left nearly everyone reeling from shock.

We made a few comments to the bridegroom about cutting the speech out of the wedding video we showed to elderly relatives who were unable to attend the wedding and left it at that

The bridegroom and best man are no longer friends and the subject rarely comes up. Sometimes time sorts these things out

I'm so sorry that this happened to you too

It’s a bit late now and won’t make any difference to anyone, the damage so to speak is done but I think it does reflect poorly on the groom. Sure you can say the best man was disrespectful, but equally so is the groom for getting into a situations apparently so crude it drew gasps.

Sleezy best men and their tales of horror wouldn’t exist without equally sleezy grooms. No point shooting the messenger, but I’d expect more to come if this is their normal.

I can only recall one best mans speech where the contents didn't cause at least some upset to someone. I think it's just the nature of the beast. I was a t a very fancy Catholic wedding last year and saw the Bride turning to and laying a comforting hand on her mother as the Grooms brother told a story about the groom and him watching pornography as kids.

Did he actually say the c word?! I’d be fucking fuming - no need to bring up anything that’s to do with other women on a wedding day. Sounds like a complete bellend

Having said that, I would leave it now - nothing is going to change what happened

Another vote for supporting your daughter first and foremost. Hope she (and you all) had a lovely day otherwise.
Id perhaps ask Sil if the worst man has apologised for his words and behaviour towards your daughter, and if not why he hasn’t demanded that.

I voted YANBU, because I would feel exactly the same way as you. I would be SO mad! However, the moment has passed and it will achieve nothing. Your son-in-law chose him, and he must have known what he was like. He also didn't cut the speech off when it became clear how down-market it was becoming. This is really an issue of your SIL not having friends with better manners, and there's really nothing you can do about that.

I'd advise your daughter to put it behind her. It's done, and it's not the sort of thing that can be un-done.

If you had a videographer, you can ask them to edit out that speech. I would definitely do that.

Normally the groom selects the best man. He should deal with it. Completely unacceptable.

It really depends on your social strata. Our best man wouldn't have said anything the slightest bit crude in a million years.

Where did the groom have his face? 😮