To message the best man about his speech at my DD’s wedding?

[KerriiK]

My DD got married two weeks ago, a lovely day and we are so happy for her. However, she was upset following one of the speeches and I’m aware it has had a bit of a knock on effect and cause some tension between her and her husband since.

The best man gave a rambling speech which was more of a wannabe stand up routine. He spoke about the groom’s ex partners, made an inappropriate comparison to my DD (‘the thing they all had in common was a big chest’) and told a story about walking in on the groom on a lads holiday with a woman where the punch line was ‘had his face in her c*’ which had many of the guests gasping. A genuinely disgusting speech and my DD was upset after in the bathroom.

It has caused issues because of a specific detail and the best man will have known including this will have had that impact. The ‘defence’ of his speech was that he was really drunk and that it was tame compared to others he has heard.

I was talked out of giving him a piece of my mind on the day, but the more I have reflected since, the more wound up I’ve become.

My DP says I should leave it, but I really want to say something to him. I know who he is from Facebook and could easily message him. I just feel angry at him for tainting such a special day.

Have you spoken to your son in law about it?
How distasteful, what kind of common chavvy set up has your poor daughter got involved in,not at all funny,if I were you,your husband and daughter,I'd of wanted the ground to swallow me up!

If I were in your shoes I would do it, what a t-wat this guy. He needs to understand that not everyone finds his gross humour funny and that he has upset quite a few people with his idiocy and lack of taste sex talk in what was a family event. A private Facebook message would suffice.

I genuinely can’t tell if you’re hard of reading comprehension, or merely Victorian.

He wasn’t cheating. It sounds like he was having a one night stand on hokiday and his friend walked in on them.

That doesn’t justify the friend making it a public anecdote.

Is your issue with casual sex because, as much as it has never been a big factor in my own life, it’s not something we should be shaming people for.

No, don't override your daughters request not to contact him. Imagine how awkward it would be for your DD and her husband if you did that. It's up to them (or really the husband) to deal with it.

I get it, you want to defend and protect your daughter. Unfortunately, someone like him will not care, might even possibly enjoy you being so angry. Focus your anger into positives you can do for your daughter.

It’s up to the groom (who presumably chose this numb nuts bag of shite to be his Best Man) to speak to him.

Agree with this. I think a lot of men like the idea of bringing the bride down a peg or two.

I’ve never been to a wedding with a speech like that. A couple of ones that were overly long or a bit dull or missed the mark in some way but never crass. Though in fairness I don’t know a lot of boorish men.

I think men who do this do it on purpose to cause problems between the groom and the bride on their wedding day. They like that it takes the shine off their day and potentially ruins it all.
Lots of men cope with their own insecurities and inadequacies in dangerous and toxic ways.

Don’t rise to it and react though. That would make him feel quite satisfied in his actions.

Instead, keep an eye on your new son in law.
Birds of a feather…

If he remains close with this man, it speaks volumes about him and your daughter will need all the support she can get.

This is vile. I agree, someone should have said something at the time.

The same happened at a wedding i went to, the mother of the bride was crying, possibly the bride too, I cant remember. It was so awkward. The marraige didnt last.

I suppose it takes all sorts to make the world turn ……

Not sure what you found funny, but 🤷‍♀️

Ah another new poster, one post and vanishes.

I would be asking my new son in law how he was dealing with the utmost of misogynistic behaviour from his friends and asking if that was their attitude to women drunk or not? I would be reassuring my daughter that this is not on her to sort but her husband to sort and if he stayed friends with such vile people what was she wanting to do. If she wanted to leave a divorce is certainly a possibility? Purely on the ground of unreasonable behaviour

How awful, I’d feel the same way as you and would want to give him a piece of my mind but it may not help matters now. This is one of the reasons I had no speeches at my wedding, because 90% of the time it’s just a chance to embarrass the couple.

No, someone who who would make a speech like that won't feel bad if you message them... in fact he'll probably find it funny that his speech was so offensive his mate's MIL messaged him to give a piece of her mind. Don't give him fodder to laugh about in the pub.

It's also not your place. It wasn't your wedding so it's just odd to message him 🤷‍♀️

Your daughter could, if she wanted to. But really it should be your Son in law reading him the riot act.

Wow
im pretty open minded, and everyone expects a bit of best man ‘banter’
but that is appalling, how disrespectful to your daughter and her parents

I can understand how upsetting this was for you and most importantly your DD.
I dont think there is anything to be gained from getting involved and contacting this awful man.
Tbh, your DD husband should have pre empted with this before hand as he must have known of his Best mans modus operandi.
Or by interveening tactfully to put a halt to it on the day.
The groom let it play out and he should be the one to deal with him.

That is appalling but no doubt the bride, groom and other people have spoken to him about it already so not much point you chiming in now.

I would normally say don't go chasing the snake but in your position, I would definitely give him a piece of my mind. Go for it and don't worry too much about the consequences since he hasn't given you, your family or your daughter a second thought. And whilst you are at it, you can remind him that his reputation as a complete idiot will be talked about for all time. (I know that because of two weddings Ii attended in the late 1980's and mid 1990's and best men disgraced themselves with lurid tales of stag weeks and references to weird sex acts - I still shudder at the thought of it - completely unacceptable at a formal event of any description unless it is a rugby club dinner). The good news for you - people won't blame you and over time it will feel less raw for you all - you might even laugh about it but for him, people don't forget stuff like that!

I think you can say something or not say anything, there isn't a right answer, it was crude, hurtful and inappropriate. However, no one has to take offence, his behaviour is his, and your son in law's by default of choosing him and not stopping him.

it will achieve nothing and feed the drama
the more people go on about it the worse it is
. A few gasps and eye rolls at the time draw a line under it and moved on and enjoyed the day
having a go ether at the time or now will achieve nothing it will make zero difference

considering he wasn’t bothered about what he said I doubt he’ll be bothered about anything you say to him now

banging on about will over shadow the day you are all spoiling it for yourselves now

It's done now, it's not up to you to talk to him about it. It will only stir up even more trouble. It is up to your DD and her new husband to talk things through and decide how to move on from it.

If the best man told everyone something he had done that your DD didn't like, then assuming it wasn't a lie, isn't she better off knowing? Obviously not the ideal time to tell her, but telling the truth isn't usually a crime.

I’m sorry that happened. How horrible that people feel the need to say such crap on someone’s wedding day.

I voted that you aren’t being unreasonable to feel like giving the ‘best’ man a piece of your mind…but, I wouldn’t actually say anything. It really isn’t worth it and it can’t change what’s been said. I hope that he at some point apologises to your daughter without prompting.

He did that speech and said the things he said because he thought it would go down well with the crowd he knows, including your Son in Law. He thought it would be acceptable and get a laugh so it speaks volumes about the conversations that go on between them.

i’d be more concerned about the type of man my daughter has married!

so it sounds like the best man walked in on the groom giving a woman oral sex. something he quick possibly does in his current relationship. the act isn't sleazy between two consenting adults, retelling the tale to everyone at a wedding is the problem. I doubt the bride thought he was a virgin when they met

Went to a wedding where the speeches were after the meal. The best man was so nervous he didn’t eat anything and had too much to drink. His speech was very similar to the one you described but potentially even more personal. The bride walked out and locked herself in the disabled loo. The groom spent about 4 hours trying to get her out of there while the best man’s wife (rightly) tore him a new one in front of everyone on the dance floor.

They divorced within a year. The best man and the groom remained friends but eventually fell out about something else.

Your daughter needs to make it clear how upsetting that was so that the best man never does it again. As does her husband.