To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

No, that's exactly how I would take it aswell, I would assume there was somthing wrong with him for him not to be with a woman his own age and sniffing around a 20 odd year old with little life experience

Sex is a genuine reason (albeit creepy when there’s such an age gap).

But I think DD has moved it into sex territory by telling him she’s on her period. There was no need to say that before a first date. She’s basically signalled that she would have considered sex on the first date and is ‘warning’ him it won’t be on the cards.

Omg I'm so sold.
Do women actually tell prospective partners They're on their period before first dates??

OP I'm with you. I've no doubt this guy is very interested in your DD, but not necessarily for her anime chat.

Yes total ick. Men like this are just looking for a young woman they can control, in my opinion. He’ll be telling her how mature she is for her age and other nonsense to reel her in.

All you can do is to share your wisdom on this matter, be careful not to criticise her, and be there for her when it all turns sour.

It’s awful watching your kids make mistakes like this.

YANBU. You're absolutely right, and I'd say that reason 2. is more frequently what's happening. Or alternatively, the equally frequent reason 3. He actively wants someone young, less experienced and established, and more easily influenced, so that he can groom her into being his ideal, subservient partner, and begin a lifetime of abuse.

A person can have loads of interests in common and be good friends with a person in a different life stage, but in a romantic relationship, one partner already being into middle-age while the other is only just starting out as a young adult, is no good at all.

Of course, there's no way she'll listen to you, I imagine. We always think we know best and our situation is different at that age.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date

I can’t even imagine going into this level of detail with my mum about an upcoming date

He actively wants someone young, less experienced and established, and more easily influenced, so that he can groom her into being his ideal, subservient partner, and begin a lifetime of abuse.

Dramatic much?

I'd be suspicious too - his motives are almost certainly sexual rather than genuinely getting to know her etc - BUT you know, he's saying the right things to allay suspicion of this.
Your daughter, however is saying the wrong things! There's no need to tell him about her period before they've even dated! 😯

He’s probably married. Similar happened to my dd she was 24 her ‘boyfriend’ was 45. Turned out he had a wife and 4 young dc. His wife found out. Dd was devastated and felt stupid and he turned nasty. It was horrible.

I have friends with a similar age gap, they've been married over 25 years and she was about that age when they met

It was at work so not quite the same situation. He hadn't been married before they met and I've never seen anything to suggest he isn't a perfectly normal human

Obviously this is of absolutely no relevance to your daughter, just an anecdote that it can work

If only.

There are a couple of threads going on Mumsnet right now where exactly that has happened. It's not that uncommon. I know of several cases in real life, too. Of course, most women call it quits before it becomes an entire lifetime, but it certainly happens - and it can lead to years of abuse.

Generally I think men go for much younger women because women their own age have more experience of the world, are more confident and much less likely to take any crap from a man!

Why on earth did she feel the need to tell him she was on her period?

On what planet are people telling someone they have met OLD before a first date they are on their period??
Your dd needs to really think about her boundaries before getting onto OLD! Could she research the burnt haystack method?

YANBU. I used to be in a hobby group with a few 22 year olds when I was in my mid 30s, and even then, the people in their early 20s seemed like kids to me. However mature she might think she is, there’s an enormous gap between a 22 year old and 40 year old. He’s taking advantage and most likely grooming her.

Why are you focusing on him when in response to a dinner invite your daughter says she’s having her period. On what planet is that a response which shows interest in a person, to a dinner invite.

So it seems it’s her thay wishes sex, she’s put it on the agenda, not him, and as a grown woman that’s none of your business and entirely hee decision.

And does she even have her period, or is it a way of trying to ensure he doesn't try anything on the first date? I had a friend who used to do that way back in the early 00s!

Sex is a reason.

dunno whether you consider it genuine or not but that’s the usual reason

I actually don’t think it is dramatic. I’d be talking to the DD about the red flags of coercive control.

The best case scenario here is that he’s looking for meaningless sex. It’s entirely possible he prefers women he can control.

Huh, she’s the one that raised sex. She’s a grown woman not a child.

don’t get me wrong I’d hate it if it was my daughter, but she’s an adult and she raised sex not him.

Sex is the reason. It’s the only reason men have for doing anything. I’m not slagging them, but it’s their main motivation in my experience.
That’s the reason. Sex.

Of course irs dramatic, dramatic and ridiculous hyperbole the poster has no way of knowing this, they don’t know the ops daughter, and again, it was her who raised sex, not him,

And it looos like that’s what the ops daughter is also looking for.

I have no idea. This is what I mean about them being childish and irritating at that age. Her 22-year-old BF and his 24-year-old boyfriend think she was right to tell him, as it sets out boundaries from the start. She asked them their opinion after I pointed out that her menstrual cycle wasn't something this man needed to know about, and she could have just agreed to dinner and then refused sex with him afterwards if he tried to take things further.

An invitation to dinner is an invitation to dinner, not foreplay for an orgy.

Yabu.
She's a fully grown adult.
Men generally tend to like younger women. It is what it is. Whether this is right or wrong is not relevant.

You need to get over it.