To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

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DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

Exactly, its a ridiculous thing to say, it implies that its not on for this date, but once Ive finished its on.

It shouldnt even be discussed at all.

Genuine reason? You mean like sexual attraction isn’t a genuine reason? Whether two people are the same age or have 20 years between them sexual attraction is the first and foremost reason people get together. If OPs dd was seeing a 24yo do you not think they would be doing it 3 times a day? Whether MN society likes it or not it’s basic biology for a man to be attracted to a women, especially a younger one, as she is healthier and most fertile. Honestly, MN is full of threads of women whose relationship tanked because they stopped having sex. Its
nice to have shared interests and commonalities but it almost always comes
down to sex. Just because you don’t like the idea of an older man having sex with your adult daughter, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong. The fact it happens (consensually) every day all around the world shows this. A huge amount of this thread is women either projecting because they have been left for a younger women or mothers who need to accept that their children are adults and capable of making their own choices. You’ve said yourself she’s looking for sex not commitment. Maybe she’s using him?

I'm so sorry, @Focusingonmybreathing

Who talks about periods out loud? It's a bit wrong side of the tracks!
Did she start sex at an early age?

I was 25 when I started seeing a 42yo…he made out he had his shit together.

Number 2 of your summary sums him up, no one his own age would put up with his man child, controlling behaviour.

We are now getting divorced.

Is dd's dad distant/not around much?

The only girls I knew who would have even entertained the thought of such an old man (40 seemed near enough pension age when I was in my early 20's) were those with absent or useless fathers.

She is looking for sex rather than commitment

She seems to be after a friends-with-benefits type arrangement

She's an adult. So's he. If that's what they both want, what's the problem?
Age is irrelevant here if neither of them are even wanting anything committed.

You wouldn't "allow" your grown adult 22 year old to go out with someone?!
Yeah, good luck with that 😁

💯% i think it shows that she is immature, I would be worried like OP too.

What?

What is the point of this whole thread then?

But it is not usual for the 'biologically healthy' young girl (bleurgh) to be even remotely interested in someone who, lets face it, is far past their prime. When they came on to us in bars/clubs to my group of friends the reactions ranged from raucous laughter to revulsion.

By their 40's men are well edging past their sexual and reproductive prime. If you want to look at it from a 'biology' standpoint, younger men are far fitter and their sperm quality is better. Young women can get their own money now, so I'm afriad unless you are sexy AND richer than the moon you are shit out of luck. Unless the girl is vulnerable in some way, it's not happening.

And any decent, put together men will be long into their marriages with devoted wives who adore them and children by that age.

The only people I ever see spouting this crap are washed up older men, pathetically chasing after women they couldn't even have gotten when they were 20, because they hope they are too young and naive to see what an old fool they are.

I am inclined to number 2 of the OPs reasons, lack of forming relationships with someone similar to his own age, for whatever reason.

Equally as valid are the reasons why a 22 year old woman is interested in a 40 year old man.,

The period comment tells him she's up for it! What a thing to tell someone you've never met. Is be furious at my daughter for revealing such an intimate detail. Is she SEN?

The fact that they met online means he's specifically looking for that age range, which i think is weird tbh.

It's a bit different to getting to know someone at work or at a hobby or whatever and it turning into something more.

IME there are very rarely (never) good reasons for middle aged men to be actively seeking out very young women for relationships

They are consenting adults. She is clearly attracted to him too.

All you can do is hope she uses protection and keeps her wits about her.

But it is not usual for the 'biologically healthy' young girl (bleurgh) to be even remotely interested in someone who, lets face it, is far past their prime. When they came on to us in bars/clubs to my group of friends the reactions ranged from raucous laughter to revulsion

Speak for yourself - I've always fancied older.
Alan Rickman, anyone?! ♥️ Think he was in his 40s when I was a young teen obsessed with Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Sheriff of Nottingham 😍
Not to mention Sean Bean. Also will have been in his 40s when I was 22.

Her dad is no longer with us. She wasn't close to him when he was with us, but his death devastated her, mostly because she felt guilty about always brushing him off when he wanted to spend time with her.

@BertieBotts I was 21 when I had her. Her dad was 30. The relationship went very badly wrong and DD is old enough to remember that, but it wasn't as simple as he was an abusive/controlling man. He tried to be controlling "for my own good" by trying to tell me what to wear/control our finances, etc., but he'd quietly back down when I stood my ground. He lost his brother very suddenly and turned to alcohol to cope. That's when he stopped backing down quietly and started with the vile insults when I wouldn't allow him to control me, which is when I left. Losing custody of the kids shocked him into getting sober, and he became my best friend, but the first few months of the separation were horrific, so that might be influencing my opinion of men.

I think there is a massive difference between being able to have things in common and enjoy the company of someone nearly 20 years older or younger and wanting to be in a romantic relationship.

There has to be some kind of maturity issue on his part for that to appeal.

And, speaking plainly, the women I know who have done it tend to have their own reasons and issues for angling toward that sort of age gap.

I can't believe she told him she was on he period before a first date! I'm glad these things can be talked about these days, but after 15 years of marriage I still only mention it to DH if it is topical - and it really, really shouldn't be topical with someone you have never met ...

Oh we cross-posted but I was about to say - then decided not to get into it - but absent father issues are often a trigger for women to date much older men.

So that's her genuine reason for being interested in him.

If he's attracted to her that's also a genuine reason. I'm unsure why sexual attraction is not considered a legitimate reason for a lot of posters.

They also share a lot of mutual interests. Same music, same shows, same games - these are all important things! They're the kind of shared interests I met both friends and sexual partners through.

I personally didn't give 40-year-olds a second look when I was 22 but I knew some women my age who did. That's not abnormal either.

I'm not seeing any signs of coercion, manipulation or power imbalances and they both seem to be on the same page.

My ds1 and I are similar ages to you and your dd. There is no way I would date someone his age and I wouldn't be happy about him dating someone my age either (thankfully he feels the same way). However I know some people who have and it's worked. I remember watching friends when Monica goes out with Richard and he says people his own age are boring, so it could be that. My friend used to go out with older men (not that much older though) and she liked it that they had money, cars and could buy alcohol. They liked it that she was impressed by those things. We as a group of 16 and 17 year olds welcomed these men in their mid to late twenties into our group. They seemed nice but I wouldn't date anyone with that big an age gap. Dh is nearly 3 years older and that's enough age gap for me thanks. It seemed huge when we first met but not for long. Although his mum described him as nearly 50 recently which was a bit horrifying (he isn't anyway, he's 46).

Those are celebrities, very good looking men, far above the average. There are probably older female celebs that some young boys have a crush on, doesn't mean they'd be interested in an actual relationship or chasing a middle aged woman. As it should be.

I doubt you'd have been lusting after the balding, paunchy specimens who used to lurk in the clubs, thinking they have the world to offer young girls.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period,

I have never felt the need to disclose details of my reproductive system when invited on a dinner date.

OP when you were her age you had a kid so perhaps you don’t really have a lot of life experience outside your own domestic setting so you’re thinking the worst of him. Perhaps he just wants sex with a younger woman or perhaps he’s genuinely interested in her as a person. Either way, it’s her business and for your daughter to work out who she wants to date. You chose something different at that age, it’s up to her to make her own choices too!