To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

When I was 25 someone who was 37 asked me out. After being told no, he kept harassing me to meet up to talk. (We'd been on a date which I didn't enjoy and I couldn't see it going anywhere) He tried it on again a few months later

A mutual friend told me he has a girlfriend. I had suspected this and he claimed they weren't together

She told him probably because she was worried he'd want sex. F*cking on the first date is very much a term on ssocial media (I hate the term!!) and many women think men expect it, idk if they do because I've only had one boyfriend. She's probably setting firm boundaries that he shouldn't expect sex which is what we do so I find it odd other women commenting that shed tell him she's on her period. It's for her own comfort r and safety

I think it can be all of the above. He likes the chats with DD, fancies her, feels there is kudos in dating half his age and isn't seen as a good prospect by women the same age (I would get the ick if I dated a 40 year old who wanted to talk anime a lot)

If he is financially stable, they have lots in common and DD fancies him, then I don't see a big short term problem. Lots of young women find older men attractive. But longer term I would be asking her how she would feel if he was an infirm 80 year old, and she was a fit and healthy 60 year old who needed to care for him.

That’s one thing but the other is how absolutely tragic it is that she feels she needs to tell him that, like she’s giving him an ‘out’ because she can’t, or won’t want to, have sex, like she thinks that’s all she’s good for and all he’s interested in. Can’t imagine ever doing that.
You listed all their interests in common op so there’s a chance they’re genuinely interested in the other as a person… but the age gap is a bit dodgy ground. It’s not as clear cut as some cases imo, because she is 22, so not white so alarming as, say, a 18/19 year old. But it’s a big gap nonetheless. Ultimately it’s not up to you and not your business.

Make her watch An Education.

Young enough to be his daughter, yuk

Id be a bit worried about why my DD was attracted to a much older man. Most 22 year olds would view a man that age as "old" etc.

Is her own dad around? Is she seeking a father figure? Is she a worrier/anxious type gravitating towards someone she views as a protector?

Why do middle aged men sniff around 20 year old girls? For the answer to this and more of life's little mysteries tune in next week!

errmm it’s incredibly common for younger women to b attracted to older men - money, stability, maturity. Any number of reasons. I personally know of several examples from work, university and my social circle.

Sure thing sugar...whatever you need to believe to get you through the day.

No, and presumably the man OP dd is going out with isn’t like that either? But are you actually saying as long as they are rich, successful and attractive then it’s ok?

Well, how will I ever respond to such a cutting and insightful rebuke…

A fat wallet?

If they've only been meeting virtually so far, how certain is your DD that this man is actually not in fact married? Or does that prospect not bother her?

Her reasons for giving him the time of day, when I asked, are:

He is attractive
He likes all the same things as her
He is financially stable in a way men her own age aren't, which means if it does go further, travel, festivals, holidays, etc., are not out of his budget in the way they were with her ex.

I know her previous boyfriend's lack of financial resources was a big source of frustration for her. She wanted (and could afford) weekends away, to attend big festivals, etc., and he couldn't afford to go with her.

So, his wallet is a factor, but not in the way people are thinking. DD's dad left her very well provided for when he passed away.

With an inane comment perhaps?

Rather than say she’s on her period (which implies she’d otherwise be ok with it) she can just say she doesn’t sleep with people on the first date, or even longer.

This. I was shocked at this. She is saying she is up for it any other week of the month.

Have you asked why your 22 year old DD would be interested in a 40 year old man?

She is looking for sex rather than commitment, as far as I can tell, although she's not said that outright to me (but who would admit that to their mum?). As her mum, I hate this, but she is a consenting adult, and she is able to give informed consent. She seems to be after a friends-with-benefits type arrangement.

That's the answer to your question ..can't see how you can suggest its to do with the man.
She's putting herself out their and you've said in your post above she's after sex without commitment.

She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date.

Not even had a date and she's telling him that.
TBF she's the one that sounds like she's gagging for it.

Your 22yo DD is interested in a 40 yo man, is it really such a stretch to believe that a 40yo man can be interested in her as a person as well?

She is an adult, not 16.
She can vote, buy a house, get married, have children, go to war... literally everything.

This sounds like the plot for the new Nicola Walker series, Alice and Steve.

Yes! I thought it was going to be a hypothetical based on that series! I have had a massive crush on Jemaine Clement since Flight of the Conchords, so I wouldn't be thinking twice about dating him if I were 22 🤣

This. Completely not necessary. Over sharing at its finest!

As a young women I was insanely attracted to older men. As a grown woman I'd now get the ick if a guy only dated half his age, but if it was a one-off connection I don't have a problem. The devil's in the pattern I think.

@missmollygreen Yes she is legally an adult but she lacks life experience. She is still discovering who is she is her brain is still developing. This creates a power imbalance against a 40 year old and the concern would be that this is what this man wants - power over someone.