To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

I had a few dates with a guy in his early 40s when I was 24. I think I was attracted to his confidence and his “maturity” (what I thought was maturity vs the reality, which was control).

My mental health wasn’t great and I was looking for stability - men my age seemed very unstable by comparison: many didn’t want commitment, or wanted to travel for years before settling down. (I now realise of course that these are totally normal things to want in your twenties but they’re not what I desperately needed at the time)

I ended it and blocked him when I found out - surprise surprise! - that he was married with kids.

I look back on it with disgust. I’m so so so grateful to the friend who recommended therapy to me.

This does worry me. It points to a slight lack of confidence in that she needed to think of a concrete reason to say no, rather than feeling comfortable saying she just wasn't up for it. I would be having a big chat with her about how she doesn't need an excuse or to explain her reasons. She needs to feel confident enough that they could be half way through the act, lose the buzz and be able to say 'I'm not feeling it anymore let's stop and put some anime on' without worrying about a reaction.

She needs to start to be honest. The period thing shows how immature she is. He might be looking at younger women because he wants children. Dating much younger doesn't necessarily get Kudos, people have the reaction you are and a group of 40 year olds don't necessarily want young 20 somethings in their company. I was in a age gap relationship and got nothing but judgement, even three children in.

Forget about the man, the problem here is your daughter. Why did she feel the need to tell him she was on her period? Surely you are more concerned about her than him? She sounds incredibly vulnerable so I am sure you have had a conversation around sexual expectations, self esteem etc?

Big age gap disparities are a pretty common phenomenon in history, particularly amongst the monied classes, and remain so in today's Hollywood circles: power, money and status meets youth, beauty and fertility. Eg, the Clooneys. I had a career in law, and it was very common to see male partners trading in their (same age) wives for younger solicitors/trainees/secretaries/support staff. The women in question were happy to leapfrog years of career/money struggles for a comfortable life presented to them on a platter. I doubt the same blokes would have been attracting 22 year olds if they were bin men.

I think age-gap discourse on here just shows people have no capacity for nuance. If he's got a strong or pattern of dating women half his age then obviously he's a creep but if not, I think it's sad you don't think your daughter has anything about her that someone would genuinely be interested in her as a person even with all they have in common.

Daddy issues and/or tik tok driven expectations of being showered with designer gifts and reservations at expensive restaurants is what usually makes the average 22 year old give a 40 year old sleeze the time of day.

Please let her know she is worth a lot more than a pervy older man who wants to bang a young chick for the kudos and can do so so much better.

Loads of older men fancied me when I was in my 20s. Some of them were a lot older than 40. Sexual attraction works like that, even if you don't want it to. The real question is why would a 22 year old want a 40 year old man with all the baggage that comes with a man that age?

Just coming back to this. Even if she is looking for 'no strings' sex, I would still encourage her to meet any new man in person before deciding if they do seem like someone she would like to sleep with. The number of people I met to find they were nothing like their profile or gave me the ick pretty much straightaway.

My friend married a man over 20 years her senior when she was 19. They have 2 children and seem happy together 12 years on. It happens. Not often but it does happen.

The only reason is your DD's age. For the majority of men, young means sexy. If there are two females, one attractive but 40 and the other one is average looking but 20, they are most likely to go for a 20 year old. And, the older they are, the most likely this would be the case. I dont know whether its the attraction of perceived "freshness" or inexperience or whatever, but its so prevalent its gross.

One guy I know had a partner who was 17 years younger than him, and he referred to her not by her name, not by calling her "my girlfriend". He referred to her as "23 year old". Yuk.

There are definitely some issues there on both sides.

Dating much younger doesn't necessarily get Kudos

Maybe in a mixed sex group of friends this would be the case. However, in a guys only group this is definitely a brownie point. Like, look at me, I can pull someone as young as mu daughter.

I had a husband who I met when I was 21 and he was 40. When I was 36, he left me for a 25 year old. And a few years later, he lived with another girl in her 20s. Definitely a pattern there. The older he got, the creepier it seems.

I know when she met her ex for the first time, she met him in a public place (who she also met OLD), she had her best friend and his boyfriend on standby to "randomly turn up at the same pub" if she got any weird vibes off him or just wasn't feeling it, so I assume she'd do the same again.

You sound like you've got a lot of issues there to unpack yourself.

She sounds vulnerable. She is revealing too much to him - a total.stranger - before a date.

I am cynical.and would guess he is pretending to be into the same anime etc as her. Which is creepy.

I had a long-term male friend my age who started dating a 24 year old woman when he and I were 40. They just hit it off really well. She was quite mature and he was probably autistic and therefore not as worldly as a lot of men that age. They had about four happy years together and then broke up amicably. A harmless and sweet relationship.

Not to say this is all fine, and I think there were some differences because of the age gap, but ultimately I wouldn't judge until you have met him.

The period thing is a massive red flag IMO. I did quite a lot of OLD in my 20s and at no point did I feel it necessary to inform the person I was dating (especially before a first date) whether sex was on the cards or if I was menstruating.

Either they've discussed this being a FWB situation and she's making it clear that sex isn't on the cards because she's on her period. But, she's effectively suggested to him that she'll be up for sex the next time. They haven't even met yet.

Or she's nervous she's going to be pressured into sex on the first date so she's making it clear that she won't be able to, although some men would be happy to have sex whilst a women is on her period.

Since you clearly have quite an open dialogue with DD on this I would want to understand what conversations have they already had to lead her to think that sharing the status of her menstrual cycle was a good idea, as I think she's putting herself in a very vulnerable position with a virtual stranger.

I think we can come to some type of agreement that, for now at least, your DD just likes dating older men.

Yes, an apparently a lot of women in their 40s/50s are dating young men.
As you say, some people, of either gender, seem happy.
Personally I wouldn't, but that's just me. And tbh, I do have friends in different age groups and do think it's a positive thing-from older coworkers, I learned about different things and tried eg music/films I might not have otherwise.

he just wants to shag hot young 22 year old body. What do you mean by not genuine? It’s a genuine reason too 😹

YADNBU, but I\m really not comfortable with her sharing details of her menstrual cycle with a first date. There's no world in which that should be considered normal.

Very odd from DD 🤦‍♀️

Sex, sex, sex.
He wants a hot young 20-something. (Possibly for more than a ONS, possibly not.)
Not great but as long as your DD is aware and quite likes the idea of an older man that’s ok. Ish.
(I’d have the ick myself,)

Does make you wonder what he wants with someone almost 20yrs younger

I find it very weird she said she had her period