To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

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DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

If that’s what she wants, it’s a bit rich to be blaming the man for potentially only being interested for sex.

I was with someone who was 27 and I was 17.
You are absolutely correct in my experience.
Although not the same age gap I wouldn't allow this with my daughter 😩

Gross. At her age I saw men older than 25-26 as too old and creepy. Now I’m mid 30s, I see 22 year olds as a different generation and feel old among them, I don’t always understand the new slang/lingo etc.

Both people are adults.
The end.

So the only reason men do absolutely anything is for sex?
My male partner has looked after me through serious illness, was that just for sex?
He works 12 hour shifts. Is that just for sex?
He looks after his elderly parent. Is that just for sex?
You have clearly had some bad experiences.

"To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?"

Maybe not but reverse the roles, there are many reasons why a 22 yr old would be interested in a 40yr old man, not least of all, money and maturity.

One of my nephews - 42 married a girl 21, he was a very good catch, they got on well enough at first, now they live more or less separate lives but she wears the trousers, no kids - her choice. It suits her to be Mrs XXX he funds her lifestyle, seems to suit him.

"Would you like to go for dinner?". "I'm on my period." What a bizarre response!

Oh no 😟 Your DD sounds vulnerable and he sounds like a potential predator (I don’t mean child predator as yes, OP’s DD is an adult but he sounds like a predatory man in general)

Scenario number 2 is the one I am most concerned about. I'd be less concerned if he admitted all he wanted was sex, and she wanted the same thing. She thinks he wants a relationship, and she seems open to the idea, although not as on board with the idea of anything long-term as she thinks he is.

I will say it again, the "Half your age plus 7" rule should be enshrined into law. It would solve so many problems.

I think the strangest thing here is her responses. But if she is actively looking for sex rather than commitment then her replies make more sense. I would focus more on helping her establish safe boundaries rather than worry about particular men she is meeting up with.

These acronyms. I thought BF was a boyfriend. So I am thinking she already has a boyfriend. So what does he make of it? Then I read on and thought but he has a boyfriend as well.

Mumsnet doesn’t approve of age gap relationships…

My god, she tells a bloke nearly double her age she has never met that she is on her period when they meet?
Is this honestly what is happening?
I would be very concerned if I were you.

BF = bestfriend.

DD is single.

I think ages gap relationships are all kinds of wrong, but do be honest I don't think the same about a one night stands or friends with benefits situation.

A relationship with that much of an age gap is bad because of the power dynamics. The older person in the relationship is always going to have more power, more experience, more money etc. On top of that they're going to be at completely different stages in life.

That doesn't really matter with a friend's with benefits situation. So you're at different life stages, who cares, it's not like you're going to be living together or married or having kids. And the power dynamics just isn't there when you're both just using each other to have a fun evening and some sex every couple of weeks.

“He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period”

WTF! She sounds incredibly naive and she needs to know that it’s up to her when she sleeps with someone, regardless of a man’s expectations.

On the original point- Yanbu, I’d definitely be unhappy.

She's 22 and probably should make her own judgement - but the fact she's already made an excuse to explain why she won't have sex is a bit worrying to me as it suggests she may feel some pressure for sex.

I think try to keep an open dialogue rather than being overly biased against, and encourage her to stay reflective. It makes absolute sense to me as an older adult to be cautious but a 22 year old doesn't necessarily have that experience.

Working FT and owning his own place, well first of all people can say whatever they want on the internet so this might not even be true, but second of all it doesn't at all mean he can't be an incel type. It's fairly easy for a socially withdrawn single adult at the age of 40 to have built up enough income/savings to buy a house.

If you're 44 and she's 22 you had her at about her age. I also had my first child young and the relationship that happened in wasn't a healthy one at all. Is it possible you are worried she is repeating patterns that harmed you?

Meeting him in public, and letting other people (e.g. you, her friends) know of the plans is sensible. See how she feels after the date.

You say she's looking for more of a FWB situation - has she done this before? I don't think this is necessarily a problem, and it might also make the age gap less relevant. If they are both open that they are intending to meet for sex rather than a serious relationship, then it does make it less unlikely that he is stringing her along. Maybe he does just want sex as well? Most 40 year old blokes probably wouldn't turn down sex with a 22yo woman if they were single and interested.

If she was a friend of mine I would recommend one of Natalie Lue's books or her podcast. They are good groundings in how to recognise hallmarks of a healthy vs unhealthy relationship. I liked her blog a lot when I was 22.

You (or she) could also consider making a Sarah's Law application, though I think it would be massively overstepping to do that before the first date. Wait and see what she thinks. She might totally go off him in person anyway. I have not personally done online dating, but people I know who do say it's imperative to meet the person IRL ASAP, because if you spend too long chatting online, you can build up a relationship with essentially a different version of the person because half of them is what you're imagining in your head.

Men find younger women attractive. I don't really get why you are surprised by this. It's depressing on a number of levels and I wouldn't want my daughter ending up married to a guy who retires while she's in her forties but it's also completely normal.

Im nearly 40 and I wouldn't look twice at a 22 year old thats gross

If I was being charitable, he could be after a more casual relationship rather than someone his own age who might be wanting to settle down / marry / have kids. That alone is a bit of a red flag if she wants a serious relationship. There will be plenty of men her own age who are only after sex as well. She just needs to be confident enough to stick with what she is comfortable with. Her comment about her period prior to a first date suggests either she is only interested in sex or lacks the confidence to not be pushed into it.

Exactly this, the mother daughter boundaries are all over the place anyway, OP going on 'nights outs' with her daughters friends and having discussions about graphic matters with her daughter

No wonder the daughter is an oversharer without any understanding of appropriate peers/boundaries/behaviour.

So you’d be fine if this was your daughter in this scenario?

I was naive 19 year old when I went on a first date with a 26 year old man I met on a dating app (well in those days it was a lonely hearts page in the local newspaper).
He raped me while I cried and begged him to stop. I was genuinely on my period but that didn't stop him. He just grabbed my pad and threw it across the room.

Surely the obvious reason is a genuine one- he fancies 22yos. It doesn't have to be anything to do with kudos or those being the only women who don't see through him. He's a creep but a genuine creep.