To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

I raised it as a possibility, because it is a possibility, and it's frequently why older men prefer very young women - because they're much more easily groomed and coercively controlled. You're being extremely naive if you think otherwise.

He wants her youth.

She hasn’t ’raised sex’. She’s told him that she’s on her period because she’s worried that that’s what he’s after.

I didn’t say that she was a child, I said that there is a huge maturity gap between someone in their early 20s and someone in their 40s. Mentally, a 22 year old isn’t much different to a teenager.

Oh it's extremely dramatic.
As for coercive control, that can happen with people the same age. And often does.

In that case, it's concerning that she felt she couldn't just outright state her boundaries and say "I don't want to have sex on the first date, in case you were expecting that," and instead has to use her period as an excuse to get her out of it.
(Unless of course she wants to shag him on the first date, and is disappointed she can't. Not that one's period needs to stop that happening.)

Well…no good reason.
Its grim but what can you do?

She’s just told him that if he waits a week till her period’s finished she’ll have sex with him. 🤦‍♀️

If he can’t be genuinely interested in her as a person then she can’t genuinely be interested in him as a person. It works both ways.
Obviously, your dd must be a gold digger who is only interested in his money and status.

I wouldn't be talking about menstruation with a man unless I wanted sex with him. Not that I'd avoid sex during that time but I'd mention it.

I'd imagine he's fairly immature himself. But it's not really weird for a 40 yo man to find a woman in her early to mid 20s very sexually attractive. And when it comes to dating that could well be at least initially the main reason.

I dated a 40 yo at 21, it was never serious but he was a nice enough bloke. It was just a bit of fun.

My 24 yo cousin dated a 40 yo and she dumped him for being too immature! So I'd say it probably won't last.

Theres plenty of reasons he could want to date her, only he knows, although I do understand why you are worried. But your daughter is an adult she is going to do what she wants to do

I wonder if DD is SEN?

I did used to sometimes say that as a teen as a way to avoid sex when I wasnt sure yet about the guy.

This was a very immature way to deal with sex / consent. But I was underage when I used to do that.

Your DD doing this gives me the impression that she's quite young for her age, and immature relationally.

There is an interesting thread on the feminism board re age of consent. Some pp are talking about a Romeo and Juliet age gap clause in some countries although I don’t think it covers 22. I’d never heard of such a thing before. Think it a good idea

I’m early 30s now, no way a man in his 40s would’ve turned my head ten years ago.

I think your DD sounds vulnerable to being misused by this guy purely because she told him she has her period. There is no reason to give out this kind of detailed private info so soon.

Our brains don’t finish fully growing until 25. I had a boyfriend who was near 30 at 22 and that was bad enough. Why? Because he was sexually pushy and because he wanted to push all his fully formed ideas on the world onto me when I was still just figuring out who I was.

Maybe, I thought she sounded ‘young for her age’.

Because she’s 22, not 32, and has virtually no adult life experience. This is why she shouldn’t be dating a 40 year old man. They still think like teenagers at this age.

Try not being so invested in your 22 year old DDs sex life. Shes a grown adult and can make her own decisions. You might not like those decisions but they are hers to make.
She will learn .....

It’s just basic evolutionary biology and the result of thousands of generations of human sexual selection.

The reason a 40 year old man might be interested in a 22 year old woman is blatantly obvious. Sex. He wants to shag a young hottie at the peak of her physical attractiveness.

It works exactly the same way in reverse, of course, for reasons that are also blatantly obvious. Money. Hot young women are attracted to older, much wealthier men because they can provide access to plentiful resources for her and her future children.

Not at all dramatic. And abuse comes in many forms.
Happened to me, although I was 22 and he was only 31.
Took me ten years and two kids to realise, once I'd properly grown up.
And another 15 to leave.

I would also be concerned but she’s a grown woman and I can fully imagine deciding to sleep with a 40-year-old man when I was her age, if I was attracted to him and/or felt we had loads in common.

I know two couples with 15-year age gaps who have been happily married for years. Admittedly they met IRL not online but the world has changed and I think you need to give some gentle advice, then stay out of it.

Of course he's probably after sex. Just as she probably is, as a 22 year old woman.

She's not diagnosed with SEN. I'm not worried about her being pressured into sex she isn't comfortable with; she's capable of asserting herself in that way

She is looking for sex rather than commitment, as far as I can tell, although she's not said that outright to me (but who would admit that to their mum?). As her mum, I hate this, but she is a consenting adult, and she is able to give informed consent. She seems to be after a friends-with-benefits type arrangement.

YABU Your daughter is a grown woman but since MN absolutely hates age gap relationships the majority here will think this man is some sort of pervert. The whole thing about “warning” him she’s on her period is very strange though and what’s even stranger is your daughter telling her mother all this.

At 22 I have to say I would never have gone for a guy in their 40s for FWB. She surely has more in common with guys her age and frankly the 20s guys are usually hotter too.

I did sleep with an older guy once but to make it a regular thing? No chance. Also no one is saying the man is a pervert without knowing him but some of us are speaking through the lens of wisdom and experience.

I dated a guy of 44 when I was 21. We were together for 3-4 years in a mostly successful relationship. We had great sex (for both of us) and genuinely laughed a lot together. In retrospect he wasn’t a particularly grown up 44 year old but, even in my early 20’s I was not a woman to be controlled.

I won’t deny that he treated me badly at the end of our relationship but he didn’t get away with it for long and I called time on him. We were great friends for a number of years afterwards and I leant on him after my next “heartbreak”

Edited to add that in the beginning of our relationship it was me that pursued him.