To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

[Frequency]

DD is online dating again and is messaging with a 40-year-old man. She is utterly convinced that he is interested in her as a person and that he is a genuine man. They like the same music, attend the same concerts, play the same games, and follow the same anime series.

I believe there are only 2 reasons a man this age would be interested in a 22-year-old.

1. He wants the kudos of bedding a woman in their 20s.

2. There is something wrong with him, and women his own age are too old and wise to tolerate his bullshit, so he needs to target women too young to know better.

For context, I am 44, and the idea of dating one of DD's mates is horrifying. I like them well enough. I'll happily sit and have a drink with them or a night out with them, but some of the things they say and do are childish and irritating, and I'd sooner gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty spork than be in a committed relationship with one of them.

According to DD, he works full-time and owns his own home, so he is not a basement-dwelling incel.

He wants to take her out for dinner on Monday. She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date. He wants to get to know her. I don't believe him, but it's convinced DD even more that he is genuine.

Met DH when I was 22 got together at 24 and he was 42, married at 27. Been married almost 17 years

Jesus I can’t believe she told him she was on her period wtf sorry but that’s a bit grim announcing you aren’t available for sex without even going on a date with the person. I’m nearly 40 myself and defo think a 40 year old man would be delighted to bed a 22 year old and obviously isn’t just into it cos they “like the same music “ or any of that bullshit. I’d have no interest in a 22 year old myself. But some young women are into older men as well. Friends of mine slept with much older men at that age . They had experience and money plus they liked the attention I guess . She’s an adult and can do what she likes .

OP I think you've taken tbe wrong lesson here. It's not to have an armoury of tools to talk her out of it later. It's to recognise she is an adult with an adult sex life, and perhaps you don't need to hear about it all the time. You are too involved in your adult daughter's affairs! With this young man you seem happy you've been able to run social background checks on him. Leave it now! She could go travelling one year and fall in love with a stranger. You can have an opinion, but it's not your job to steer her any which way.

Was just going to say similar.
I think the fact you’ve never dated and don’t ’understand’ dating is skewing your view a little. It’s perfectly normal to date or sleep with several different people in your teens and 20s. Some of those might be nice guys and some might not, whether you’ve met them online or in person. It’s all a learning curve and gives you a real idea of what kind of person you want to spend your life with. Your job as mum is to listen, give advice if she asks, and be noncommittal and non judgmental. She has to figure things out for herself even if she gets hurt in the process.

A 22 year old is not a young girl. She is a woman.

It’s not necessarily nefarious. When I was early 20’s, I would date men roughly mid 30’s to mid 40’s. From my perspective, it was because men my own age were usually immature dicks. From their perspective, they had been head down, bum up, completely absorbed in establishing a career, then get to the point where they can lift their head and look around. A woman their own age is no good as they want to get married and have a family so they go a ‘good prospect’ for this. All of my male friends did this, nothing about a fetish or being controlling.

As I got older, I could naturally start and ‘reel back’, the age of men I dated going for men closer to my own age, as they had then matured over time.

When he was 18, she was a newborn. WTF is wrong with these men? Of course his primary goal is sex. And if they have any type of relationship, he will always have the upper hand and an element of control, as he has a lifetime of experience that she doesn't have. She's going to get hurt, imo.

But she isn’t a newborn now. I don’t see the point in raising things like this.

In all likelihood though this young guy is also a waste of space who wants your daughter to reduce her options while he makes no commitment to actually date her. You sound overly involved and you are skewing everything through your own lense because you perceived yourself as somehow being a child at 21 (even though you had a baby and a mortgage). I think you need to expect that dating is something your daughter is going to have to experience highs and lows with, and you can't necessarily control that.

I've never understood this. Everyone was a newborn once, but he wasn't trying to date her when he was 18 and she was a new born? It's a reach because they can't really justify why they want to impose restrictions on a grown woman's autonomy so they can to reduce her to a time when she was a newborn baby.

Yeah, this. Sucks to be a single middle aged women who is interested in dating men her own age. Complaining on the internet about it might make you feel better, but it's not going to change their preferences.

Good update @Frequency

FYI - it is well worth googling Dr Hannah Fry's Insta - it scientifically shows the ages of women that men are most attracted to. Your DD is in the bullseye age group.
Long story short - Old men want to shag young women

Hopefully the link above works - let me know if it doesn't

Men are genetically programmed to want to have sex with young and fertile women; so there is a 'genuine' reason, but whether it is a 'good' reason is quite another issue. The reproductive instinct does not care whether the man and the woman would be happy together, or whether the man would stick around to help raise the children.

My ex husband was having an affair with a 20 something. I found out, kicked him out and divorced him. This wasn’t the first time he’d played away with a 20 something but convinced me to stay. This year she’s 30 and he’s 60… I find it utterly disgusting. He was bragging to his mates about her, but she’s now stuck with a diabetic, obese narcissist with no money and who is now claiming disability after he got beaten up for getting involved in a big fight! She knew he was married too. She’s also on disability. Me? I ended up with double the equity he got from the house, live in a beautiful area, and have a fantastic job. Karma really hit them! It’s creepy, and it’s vile and there’s zero reason for these old men to be going after such young women other than as a trophy

Yes there’s an expectation that we’re above our biological instincts and can logicalise our way out of them if we’re clever and moral enough, but I’m not convinced. I think the ‘good men’ who would never look at a 25 year old, only don’t because it isn’t socially acceptable in their circles to do so. As we know, men act very very differently around other women than they do their family/friend groups.

Same here.
First marriages
Now 65 and 40 with kids 12 and 10

Same as sugar daddy does?

Does she know anything about him? As in, is he married? How would she feel if she discovered that he was?

You’re right to be concerned.. last one of those I knew, who was only interested in young women, had a decent job, a nice car, his own home, turned out to be a rapist and is currently serving time in prison.
Of course it might just be a coincidence that they like all the same stuff and he hasn’t found the right woman, but you’re right to be concerned. Let be honest.. if he’s such a good catch why is he still single? It’s more likely he’s a massive weirdo or sexual predator!

It's disgusting and it should not be allowed. And the same applies to older women with younger men. People should date within a reasonable age range and yes it should be the law.

My friend got together with her DH when she was 20 and he was 40. They're happily married nearly 30 years on. We all thought it was weird at the time but it has worked for them.

Don't be ridiculous. It's not disgusting, and the government has no right to be policing relationships like that.

That’s ridiculous. It meant I wouldn’t have been in relationships for a good decade, as I didn’t want silly young men my own age, they were twats. There was never a power imbalance in the relationships I was in with older men. People should be free to make choices that work for them.

You think it should be the law that a 50 year old and 31 year old can't date? Get a grip.

I know, what does she propose as punishment? Jail time?