Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends

Have you explained to him he is being childish to need so much support from others, and that you and his daughter should be enough for him? No I thought not. His answer would no doubt be that he needs these things for his mental health - he is putting his wellbeing first OP, it’s ok for you to do the same. Ditch this ungrateful man and move back where your friends and family are.

You're not being selfish. Your partner is being selfish, and needs to be told. Men like this are difficult to change, though. In my opinion - which is obviously easier as I'm not in the situation - the visions you each hold for your lives just don't align. For the child's sake, it's best you call it a day.

You are perfectly entitled to see your friends and family, just as he does during the week. Ask him when he suggests you see them, given it's a 6 hour round trip.

Don't be so available during the week either, if you have the energy find a hobby to do, go to the gym, even if just for a swim and sauna. Take the same amount of time that he does.

Yes, you partnered with a man who has a child, and that child comes first, to him, but you are not an unpaid babysitter.

I can resonate with your situation. Being told that weekends are family time and I need to adjust now I am in a committed relationship (I had no children and was never married). All one sided and all the compromise on your side, on his terms? I became a step mum to children aged 10 & 11 with an older man when I was 28. When I wanted to socialise with my friends I was made to feel selfish and not spoken to for days even though I still did all the running about for the children's hobbies etc. I dug my heels in and maintained my friendships and relationship with my family but it was exhausting physically and mentally. I did it for 19 years. Please rethink your long term relationship with this man as they say.. they are showing you their best behaviour from the start.. if this is the best way he is going to treat you then its not going to get any better.

Throw this one back. You're free child care.

Ugh. Get rid!!!

Surely leaving him to have some daddy/ daughter time alone 1 day a week is very healthy for their relationship? It reads like he doesn't want the responsibility of his own daughter.

Surely leaving him to have some daddy/ daughter time alone 1 day a week is very healthy for their relationship? It reads like he doesn't want the responsibility of his own daughter.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with this man. He sounds awful, and very selfish.

You have uprooted your life in order to be with him so that he can be with his child more, that is a huge sacrifice to make . And now that you are struggling instead of finding ways to support you he is criticising you. So the only way this relationship functions is if you pretend not to have needs. Why isn’t he spending time with your family and friends at the weekends, if you were a family then he would be making this effort . He seems very entitled , he isn’t having wobbles or a dip in his mental health because he is very good at getting his own way . It makes me furious that selfish men like this have children . My partner would not treat me like this in a million years, it took me until I was 43 to find him . I dated a lot and I am glad I did not waste my life on selfish entitled men . If my partner told me I was being selfish for looking after myself I would leave him immediately, if I am struggling his response is always what do you need, can I help you get what you need , he is always offering me support . We lost a baby 6 months ago and my mental health has suffered, I am travelling for 6weeks to put myself back together and he is working and joining me a bit later , not once has he even suggested that I am selfish for taking some time for myself even though I know he misses me a lot . Please take my advice and know that there are better men than this in the world . He is putting his needs at the centre of your lives , no wonder he is divorced !

You’re useful to him as a nanny.

Don't think OP's coming back. Not that they have to, of course.

Dump and move on. He’s clearly using you. Why on earth should you be involved every weekend. 50/50 should mean every other weekend. It sounds like the mum and him are using you. That’s my gut feeling anyway.

You need to move the#uck out. Hes using you as a Nanny, an unpaid one at that. If I was in your situation I should get back my own place. But plan this move IM SECRET and keep it as a bolt hole if not permanent; a bolt - hole for when you need ME TIME....you deserve it sister. Do it !!!!!