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Original poster

Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

339 replies

Chillonthesarnie · 06/06/2026 11:23

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

OP posts:
LizardLore · Yesterday 09:02

LizardLore · Yesterday 09:00

I honestly can’t imagine a man so amazing I would live with his 5-year-old. Life with children is so hard and what saves it is they’re my children that I love.

Is he gorgeous, funny, intelligent, rich, amazing in bed, kind, thoughtful, selfless?

Well, we know he is not the last three, based on this post. And even if he has all the other traits - still not remotely worth it.

Oh and yes he’s obviously being so selfish it shouldn’t need to be pointed out. I don’t understand though why you left your entire life to be with him? You have failed to make a new life where you are and I think that tells you something about where you really feel you belong.

Whatwerewetalkingabout · Yesterday 09:03

He's got some fucking brass neck arranging plans with his mates, (that he sees all week anyway) and expecting you to look after HIS child on a weekend and causing arguments and then when you use your weekends to see your elderly parents and friends, you moved away from to be with him and leave him to spend time with his daughter turn it round on you that you're avoiding family time!!!

Tell him to get fucked. I really would run he sounds like a massive twat!! Even a paid nanny gets a day off and doesn't have to suck his entitled cock!

Mitzuko · Yesterday 09:04

I was a volunteer and became caseworker for domestic violence abuse. The first thing they train you about is that abusers will encourage you to leave all of your support network in order to manipulate you and control you totally.

They try to convince you your friends are fake, your family is horrible, you deserve a better job until you are totally in their domain isolated from anyone and possibly moneyless , or they control your finance. A frequent manipulation is to convince you that you are responsible for their behaviour because you don't supply what they want, instigating a sense of guilt.

Honestly I see a huge horrific red flag in the attitude you described.
Moreover as others said you owe nothing to this child, let alone to him.

You're possibly good natured, predators have an instinct for those women they can exploit.

Look after yourself and contact domestic violence services, at least for a consultation. Even better, as others suggested, take some distance and surround yourself with a support network before you get brainwashed.

Flamingojune · Yesterday 09:07

I would think twice before dating a man with a toddler. Why did they split up?

bovrilormarmite · Yesterday 09:08

@Chillonthesarnieyou know you are not unreasonable and his suggestion that you do not need friends or a social life beyond him and his child is just completely wrong and worrying. So what are you going to do?

mamajong · Yesterday 09:39

Did you discuss the dynamics of this before you moved in together? If so, who has moved the goalposts?

If he wants you to be more involved in family time thats great. If he wants you to be at home so he can leave you caring for his child yanbu at all.

TheThirteenthFairy · Yesterday 09:43

'He says we're a family and that should be enough' - so why is he out visiting friends? While you're looking after his daughter? I really think he saw you coming. You even moved away from your friends to be with him! I'll bet he was rubbing his hands with glee. I hope you can extricate yourself from this detrimental situation; I wish you well.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · Yesterday 09:47

Snorlaxo · 06/06/2026 11:30

Firstly don’t have children with this man. He’s showing you how he’ll behave if you have kids together - you will be forced to always take the kids to see your family and friends when the norm is that both parents might get child free time.

When he calls you selfish, he means that he’s jealous that you don’t have kids and wants you there to make his life easier - you’re the nanny with a fanny. You aren’t a parent and after only 2 years and no marriage, I wouldn’t say that you were a family.

A lot of divorced men are sadly like this. They want a woman who will take over the parenting stuff that their ex did which is a red flag. I think that you should leave before you’re pregnant and focus on what you want like your family and friends. Continuing with him is going to lead to misery and anger imo.

It’s fine to change your mind about being in this relationship and being in his DD’s life. Better now than later.

Edited

This. I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with this.

Look for a new job near to your family and friends, this is not a good long term relationship for you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · Yesterday 09:47

Snorlaxo · 06/06/2026 11:30

Firstly don’t have children with this man. He’s showing you how he’ll behave if you have kids together - you will be forced to always take the kids to see your family and friends when the norm is that both parents might get child free time.

When he calls you selfish, he means that he’s jealous that you don’t have kids and wants you there to make his life easier - you’re the nanny with a fanny. You aren’t a parent and after only 2 years and no marriage, I wouldn’t say that you were a family.

A lot of divorced men are sadly like this. They want a woman who will take over the parenting stuff that their ex did which is a red flag. I think that you should leave before you’re pregnant and focus on what you want like your family and friends. Continuing with him is going to lead to misery and anger imo.

It’s fine to change your mind about being in this relationship and being in his DD’s life. Better now than later.

Edited

This. I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with this.

Look for a new job near to your family and friends, this is not a good long term relationship for you.

Givingmytwocents · Yesterday 09:58

Is there any hobby you can start yourself during the week after work, you may not feel so lonely and you may make new friends. Even push yourself to do one night. It sounds like you go home from work and you are on your own as he is off doing his hobbies. But equally I would agree that he can bugger off if he thinks you should spend your whole weekend with him and his child - You are good to do one day over the weekend - she is not your daughter, she's his and therefore his responsibility.

LizardLore · Yesterday 09:59

OP it strikes me that you are describing your life as a relentless grind of work and childcare when you are 2 years into a new relationship. And you don’t even have kids!

This is the time in your relationship/life where you should be feeling light, in love and footloose and fancy-free. If you do have children of your own eventually, there may well be a limited period in your life where you feel as you describe feeling now. Although hopefully you will have children with a better man than this one so it won’t be nearly as bad.

But anyway why on earth would you jump straight into that hard part of life without first having the loveliness of being in a new couple, without family responsibilities?

2 years in and recently moved in together you should be shagging 24/7, going on fun nights out together, making friends with each other’s friends and generally just enjoying life and love. If it’s all drudgery now it’s not going to be any better later on.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · Yesterday 10:03

I'd leave

Scandalicious · Yesterday 10:07

You’re not being unreasonable. I thought from the title you were going to be complaining about a child staying every other weekend!

Many people would think you are being helpful in allowing them some alone time one on one. It’s sounds like your partner just wants you there to do the work. That’s quite a red flag in the circumstances.

Driving all that way in one day sounds a strain though…would it be easier for you to go every other weekend but stay a night?

NewGoldFox · Yesterday 10:13

What are you getting from this relationship?

Beigepjs · Yesterday 10:33

You have been very silly to move for a man who wants to use you as skivvy aupair.

Of course he doesn't want you to see family and friends.

No wonder your mental health is so poor.

Family time?

It's his child, not yours.
He's just another loser that wants a woman to do his parenting.

Do not get pregnant.
You will be so stuck if you do.
Move home and end this relationship.
You will bitterly regret it if you don't.

DeftGoldHedgehog · Yesterday 10:50

Oh dear, another nanny with a fanny.

Beigepjs · Yesterday 10:50

You are not a family.
He has a child, not you.

He calls you selfish because he feels entitled to free childcare.
Thats what you mean to him.

He is a walking cliché.

Man with child that needs free childcare, uses daft womam and gets her to move where he lives.

Wake up before it's too late.

A pregnancy would be an even bigger mistake.

Find a job back home.
Tell your family and friends the truth and pack your bags while you can.

ruethewhirl · Yesterday 11:05

Flamingojune · Yesterday 09:07

I would think twice before dating a man with a toddler. Why did they split up?

Five-year-olds aren't toddlers! Agree with the rest, though.

AmandaHoldensLips · Yesterday 11:06

You are not a parent.
He is.

Clearly he wants a partner who will take on a full parenting role because he doesn't like doing it on his own. If that's not what you signed up for, then this is not the relationship for you (or him).

Imanautumn · Yesterday 11:10

Run…. Run fast and run home.

TroysMammy · Yesterday 11:21

His daughter is having family time, with her Dad, her family. If you join in then it's probably a bonus for her but she's his responsibility.

rainingsnoring · Yesterday 11:22

For goodness sakes @Chillonthesarnie. He's using you as a live in babysitter and gets to have sex with you too. This man is a selfish partner and a rubbish father. Move out as quickly as you can pack your things!

EgregiouslyOverdressed · Yesterday 11:44

NewGoldFox · Yesterday 10:13

What are you getting from this relationship?

This.

Move back to your support network, OP. Nothing that you have said indicates that there is a happy future with this man.

MyDeftDuck · Yesterday 11:51

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. You are making time for your parents, your friends and your own well being……good on you girl!
He wants a child minder for the days that he has access and is pissed that you’ve allocated time on your days off to do the things you want to do. Please do not make a permanent commitment to this pathetic excuse of a father. He needs to step up and care for his own child.

Catwalking · Yesterday 12:03

Stop being unpaid carer for this male & his child.
Move in with your parents.