Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Not OP's fault or responsibility.

I'm sorry but I think you've made a massive mistake here, both moving in with him and moving so far away from your support network. Move back home x

Hes a s*! My husband had 3 kids when I met him. He looked after them - no expectations from me at all. I did spend time with them and it was lovely, but never forced. This is his child - not yours! And on the elderly parents.... they need you and u need them. They won't be around forever (as ive just found) spend the time with them as u need to. You can't get it back.

This, OP! @Chillonthesarnie

Does he not give a shit about important people in your life like your parents? Does he not think that they are important? Or is it all about him and his child?

I don’t think that’s unreasonable in the slightest.

You're doing all that driving but you're still the one organising the activities on the Sunday? Why?! Do you ever get to relax?

None of this sounds great tbh.

You’ve made big sacrifices to be with this man whilst his life has remained much the same. Instead of being supportive of you spending time with people who make you happy, he’s criticising you, undermining you and almost gaslighting you into thinking you are a bad person. It will not get better. Run.

He should have been living alone with his child, especially at that age - you moving in and trying to do the whole 'family thing' feels like too much too soon. His child, his responsibility which you unwittingly signed yourself up for and now you're stuck. You should have been dating, while he raised his child but instead he roped you into raising her for him. I think you know the answer but for some reason are too afraid to take the step. He's got you exactly where he wants you, free childcare and manipulation when you show signs of being unhappy. Move out, better still move back home and take it from there.

She is HIS daughter. I love my SS and I love spending time with him, but having been in his life for 12 years I can still count on one hand the amount of times I have looked after him without his dad present! Tuesday nights they go to his football training together to have father/son time, a lot of the rest of the time it’s as a family, including his games every week which I love going to.

Edited to add: If I arrange to see friends whilst SS is here there is no question at all about it.

It’s always tricky when someone else’s kids are involved and requires compromise by both parties. Can all three of you go to stay with your friends and family some weekends? You also need to make friends where you’re living now. Are there any classes and hobbies you could take up? What about his mates gfs, do you have anything in common with them?

on another note, it does seem like his ex is taking him for a ride. She’s negotiated having every weekend to herself! Perhaps alternate weekends could be introduced…

Why have you chosen to live 3 hours from your home and everyone you love to be a live in free babysitter for a man? Surely being single and back home is better than that.

He shouldn't be swanning off out for hobbies on evenings leaving you at home with his child.

OP of course you are not being unreasonable to use SOME weekend days to visit family and friends. You sound very isolated and down. 😞 The fact you've had to question if you're being unreasonable on this is a shame really and reflects your relationship not being a very healthy one to have you doubting your own needs here.

Keep visiting your family and friends op.
I'd also suggest you try and take up a hobby or two on the odd week night evening locally as well.

So he goes out with his mates during the week when he has his daughter at home leaving you to look after her? He has given you the impression that his custody arrangements are 50/50 yet in reality his child lives with you practically full time and her mum only has her for two nights a week. Please tell me you and your partner aren't paying his ex child support too. You're entitled to time with your family, you work all week in a stressful job(I also work in healthcare and it can be mentally stressful I know) I'm surprised your partner doesn't appreciate having some time for just him and his daughter during the weekend considering she's at school all week and he pisses off out leaving you to mind her during the evenings. He's definitely being selfish and it sounds like he doesn't want to parent his own child himself and you're treated as his latest childcare option

WTF?! 2 years? You shouldn’t have even met his DD yet, let alone be living with her the majority of every week! Move home, OP. See him when he’s free

She shouldn't have met her after two years?!?! Bloody hell.

So when exactly would it have been acceptable for them to meet, in your view?

As long as possible. If I ever date again before my DD is an adult, I’d wait at least 3 years (if ever) as many relationships fail after 2/2.5 years. Seems to be a common breaking point. Also 2.5 years is when most (sensible) people start to get serious. How many 1 year relationships have you read about falling apart on here?! Or people being ghosted after 18 months together. Happens all the time.
I’d have to be as sure as dammit that he’s a keeper before introducing a man to my child and I personally don’t believe 2 years is long enough to be sufficiently certain that it’s going to last the long haul.

I'm not sure this is going to work out OP.

OP your partner sounds like my ex- he had his son living with him whilst the mum had him every weekend, but he lived with his mother and left her doing all the childcare whilst he behaved like he had no responsibilities all week. He lived like a teenager and went out with his mates several nights during the week. I told him where does he actually look after his own child. He wanted to move in with me and I said no because I didn't want to become his live in childminder, I saw later in the relationship how much he used his mother as free childcare and he started trying to leave his child with me on a Sunday after collecting him.from his ex. We split up quickly to be honest and he moved in with the next one he got with. His son ended up going back to live with his mum as my exes partner didn't want to have his child live with them when he moved in and she also sent her own kids to live with their dad and ended up having a baby together. Your partner quite honestly sounds pretty selfish

I doubt this relationship will last if I'm honest @Chillonthesarnie

Your DP doesn't appreciate the child is his not yours. Her DM is also taking the piss.

Reconsider what you want out of life for you.

You are not being selfish enough. I think you should spend the whole weekend when you go home, not try to go there and back in a day. Your 'partner' is desperate to make you feel guilty because it suits him to have you as a live-in babysitter. His daughter is not your daughter, not your responsibility.

Maybe he should cut down on his hobbies and going out with friends most nights and spend time with his family

Omg he is selfish! He goes out every night and you are babysitting and you want to see your friends and family one day a week and he is not happy! Pls let this men go, you are providing free childcare

The big love of his life is himself. You deserve better, frankly.

Hes using you as a stand in mother for his child. You have realised that you are lonely and your mental.health is suffering as a result, you need to leave him and go back to the sanctuary to where you will not feel lonely and put upon where youll regain your strength and realise what a total arse this man has been.
The sooner the better

He considers you to be a nanny with a fanny.
also I feel for this poor child who is only with her mother Tuesdays and Wednesdays