Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Tough luck if you don’t like the expression. Why be so scolding and policing other’s language?

Ditch him, he is using you for childcare!

Scolding ? I am responding to hostility aimed in my direction. I haven’t been hostile to you.

Agree...

But it's for the OP's partner to be taking that up with the DC mother and not expect the OP to step in and parent a DC that isn't hers on such a regular basis.

You have chosen to engage with me, not on the subject of the thread, but on an expression (a commonly used and highly accurate one for the circumstances) I have used and to make some point about language used by women - that’s scolding. Expect to be responded to in kind.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 So many alarms ringing. He’s trying to isolate you and control you. Of course it’s not enough. Everyone needs their own friends and social life. I would get out of this one asap.

Not scolding. An opinion. Can we leave it there please or this is looking a bit weird.

I don’t know why you moved three hours away from your friends and family to live with a man and his child when you’re child-free, sorry, find it utterly baffling. Surely plenty of child free men exist.

I am not a man. Please stop trying to continue. I have asked another poster to stop as it felt uncomfortable. Please do likewise.

Thank you @TomatoSandwiches . I couldn't have said it better myself.

Ooooooo he’s a cheeky fucker! He’s pissed that you’re getting a day off for being with his daughter and he’s not!!
Why isn’t the 50:50 contact arranged to split the weekend?
I’ve just travelled home after seeing my work friends last night and spending this morning with my mum so that’s 4 nights I’ve been away from home this week with work and DH doesn’t have a problem with it!

When women use the phrase ‘nanny with a fanny’ we’re referencing the disturbing way some men view women. We obviously see women as more than nannies with fannies 🤷‍♀️

Is he a lot older than you?

either way, move back where your friends family are. You are lonely in this relationship and your mental health is suffering. After 2 years together this is too much too soon and not working.
His daughter is there to spend time with him not you, he should arrange everything and he should make sure he spends one to one time with her. It's not on you to be arranging activities all the time.

Exactly!

So what?

You hating that expression doesn't make it any less true, no matter who it's used by.

You might hate women saying the grass is green but that doesn't mean it isn't 🤷‍♂️

My previous comment was deleted so I will say it again: thank you for spelling this out. The usage of the phrase doesn’t denigrate women. It encapsulates a toxic male attitude that denigrates women. This is an important distinction which is being missed.

Why women go for men with kids? Are not the free guys still alive?

Why feel sorry for the child? The dad is still around?

Yet he can't have a day to look after his kid on his own. Ironic. Leave the fucker.

I’m sorry OP but it doesn’t sound like this relationship is good for you, he sounds incredibly selfish and immature. I would rethink what matters to you, he seems very controlling.

Yes, yes, yes, he wants a nanny with a fanny.

He is a selfish manipulative man who clearly wants to pursue his single life whilst his young daughter is living with him.
You are there providing childcare to enable him to do just that. Honestly, I’d get yourself back to your family and support network. Don’t allow yourself to be used like this.
I predict if you break up with him he’ll soon have another woman lined up for childcare duties

Never sacrifice time with your birth family to look after someone else's kid.
Your mum and dad won't be around forever.