Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

The OP sounds familiar.

@Chillonthesarnie , you are the unpaid nanny/housekeeper. He has the child 50:50 so he doesn't pay CMS.
if you weren't there he'd get the nearest female to do the childcare.

If you have a child with him, you'll be doing all the childcare and if you split up his next nanny with a fanny will be doing his share.

Page 24 | AIBU to question what my fiancé expects of me as a stepmum? | Mumsnet is a similar thread.

He said you need to grow up and not expect support from others, while expecting your support with his child…

There's something you should be cutting down on and it's not time away from family, you should end it with him. His attitude and logic is crazy. His daughter is his daughter, you're doing more than enough, who the hell is he to tell you how you spend your free time. You can do better than this. You'll regret it if you stay with him.

I think I'd be looking at moving back to where your support networks are. He's using you in order to create more free time for himself at your expense. This clearly isn't really working for you.

I feel sorry for the child.
I don’t know why she is only with her mum Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But there we are.

When you got together with him his daughter came as part of the package. You cannot separate her and indeed the looking after of her from him.

You have gone from one extreme to the other. One extreme of planning activities and going perhaps overboard at weekends rather than just ‘being’ together. And now, for one day a week effectively leaving. Early morning to 8pm.

Calm down. There is a middle way in between the two extremes.

I feel sorry for this poor girl who seems to have two selfish parents who are happy to hand her off at every opportunity

I agree. And when you leave tell him he needs to grow up and realise he's an adult and not require so much support from others.

It’s really not 50/50 is she’s only with her Mum two days a week. Poor girl caught in the middle of two neglectful parents.
I wouldn’t continue this relationship OP - the resentment will eat away at you eventually. If you step away the parents will be forced to actually parent their own child.

I agree as there would be no way he would make the effort to see you...hes stuck with his daughter at weekends and wants you there to help...i did this once when i was really young and thought im looking after 2 kids, his ex is off with her new fancy man and my boyfriend is off playing rugby and im looking after THEIR kids,

So he goes out most evenings for hobbies or to see friends, whilst you presumably babysit on the days his DD is there.
Have you pointed out to him that he shouldn’t need support from his friends as family should be enough?
( I am not suggesting that neither of you go out as that’s not healthy, but it seems to be what he is suggesting should be enough for you)
YOU are not being selfish. If he wants to see a selfish person he needs to look in a mirror.

He's the one who needs to grow up. His child is not your responsibility, she's his and her mother's. While I think it's important that you're kind to her and make an effort when you're with her, it's perfectly ok to make plans with family and friends on the weekend.

I'd seriously think about moving back home. He just wants an unpaid nanny. Whatever you do, don't have children with this man!

As I said, it’s not every weekend. I have to drive 3 hours each way, so 6 hours driving time. That gives me 4ish hours with friends or family. How else can I see them?

I still plan something at the weekends on the other weekend day I am at home

There is. But it’s not necessarily on OP to find it. Why are you judging OP, who does far more for this little girl than her own mum from the sounds of things, when said mum can apparently only be arsed to have her own child two days a week? I’d say OP is more than earning some downtime and life of her own, personally.

Also, where’s the judgement of the little girl’s dad for trying to dump the majority of the childcare on to OP?

I think you know what you need to do OP. Leave him and move back home.

Op its not your job to plan things with him & his DD. Its his.
honestly move back to your family & friends, he’s using you a nanny with a fanny.

Do you think you might feel less depressed if you moved back to live near your friends and family?

You're not his childminder, are you. You've done a lot to accommodate his child and your overall relationship with her, but she's his responsibility, not yours.

If he doesn't want you to have a life independent of him and his child, then you're better off without. He can't expect you to cut off your family and friends just because it's inconvenient to him. Your time is your own.

Do not get pregnant by this “man”

Wow he’s so selfish my mouth fell open reading that.

Your partner needs to become an ex.

Another useless selfish man pretending to be dad of the year whilst palming their child off. And then claiming the woman is being unreasonable/selfish/uncaring when she doesn't want to dedicate every waking moment to him &/or his child.

@Chillonthesarnie leave him to parent his own child. Get your own life back & find someone that loves you for being you. Not because you are free & convenient childcare.

Do not, under any circumstances, feel bad for putting your own well-being first. It took me 50 years to learn that it’s a necessity.

One thing that helped is that when it’s a choice between guilt and resentment. Guilt fades faster. So ride any guilt feelings this brings up (you don’t need to feel guilty but you are likely to, especially given the manipulative, passive aggressive coercion you are experiencing from your partner to do so), and come out the other side.

Go home, OP! You’re driving a 6 hour round trip almost every weekend, it’s where your heart wants to be! I find weekends with a 5 year old pretty tiring at times and she’s mine and I adore her- not a chance would I be doing it for an unrelated child (not that it’s the poor little girls fault here). Take your life back!

And what would have happened if you told him you wanted a relationship without living together. I once dated a man with a child, I made it very clear we wouldn't be living together at all and I had no wish to meet the kid for at least 2 years.

Bollocks. She's his daughter, his responsibility to entertain her at weekends. One weekend day a week as a family is more than reasonable. I am a step mum and we have his kids every Saturday and I choose whether I join their activities or not. If I have an offer from a friend I take it.