Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

You are not the one being selfish. There are so many similar threads to yours where men seem to want a live in childcare provider when they get a new partner.

Let all these be a cautionary tale to people getting into a relationship with men with children and set out boundaries early on.

Well he sounds like a wonderful partner and father. Not. Sounds like he wants an unpaid nanny, housekeeper etc and doesn't really see or care for you at all.

He wants you home to watch his daughter so he can go out. You need to leave this selfish man.

Maybe he feels you are avoiding time with his DD and isn’t vocalising it well, but you are absolutely not selfish having a day with your family and friends.

Do the two of you ever get a day to do stuff, just the two of you, at any time?

Agree 100% with other posters.

Your first mistake was moving in with this man so quickly. He has a young child and he had you moved in within two years, maybe one and a half? Alarm bells should have been ringing loudly!

The simple fact is that you are not “family”, you are being used as unpaid childcare.

When oh when are women going to realise that if they’re dating a man with a child/children, they should give the relationship an absolute minimum of three years together before even considering moving in, for their own sake and the sake of the children.

Firstly don’t have children with this man. He’s showing you how he’ll behave if you have kids together - you will be forced to always take the kids to see your family and friends when the norm is that both parents might get child free time.

When he calls you selfish, he means that he’s jealous that you don’t have kids and wants you there to make his life easier - you’re the nanny with a fanny. You aren’t a parent and after only 2 years and no marriage, I wouldn’t say that you were a family.

A lot of divorced men are sadly like this. They want a woman who will take over the parenting stuff that their ex did which is a red flag. I think that you should leave before you’re pregnant and focus on what you want like your family and friends. Continuing with him is going to lead to misery and anger imo.

It’s fine to change your mind about being in this relationship and being in his DD’s life. Better now than later.

You could say I agree, I will be home the weekend from now on and out Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday nights now.
I bet he won’t be so happy with you expecting the time out he currently takes, because he doesn’t think anything should be fair or equal, he thinks it’s your role to care for his child. I think you’d be happier dumping him, and spending weekends with your family or relaxing.

OP can’t go out during the week her friends and family are three hours away.

He wouldn’t care if she went then as he’s already out and there’s no child to care for!

You're unreasonable not to leave him and go back to living your own life for you and your own family.

I think your dip in mental health would miraculously disappear.

So when he goes out for his hobbies are you left with his daughter?

He just wants free childcare.....

Resisting the expectation to shrink your life to fit a man’s is self preservation and the only person seeing it as selfish is the one who stands to lose what he’s unfairly been benefiting from.

You moved away from your entire support system, work a demanding job, and now your limited free time is being treated as if it should automatically be given over to his child and his version of “family life. Meanwhile, he continues to have hobbies, friendships, and freedom during the week and dares to call you “selfish” for maintaining your own life. It’s telling that “we’re a family, that should be enough” is only being applied to you and not to him when it comes to his own social life.

Wanting time with your friends and family is a basic human need. The idea that you should “grow up” by becoming more isolated and more available for domestic and emotional labour is a tired and fucking all too common trope. You are not just an extension of his household. You are a person with your own relationships, needs, and identity outside of him and his child.

You’ve already struck a reasonable balance by giving time to the relationship while also setting a boundary about protecting space for yourself, as a healthy adult taking responsibility for their own emotions. The actual question for your partner is why he feels entitled to more of your time, energy, and sacrifice than he’s willing to give himself.

You sound incredibly homesick. I think you moved too soon. Don’t get pregnant.

What you should do is move 3 hours back to YOUR support system. This man isn't considering your needs nor does he have your best interests at heart. He is using you and trying to guilt you into doing HIS parenting.

You're not married and have only been in a relationship with him for 2 years. I'm sorry but I'm not sure I would consider him or his child family. You're not being unreasonable to do less with him and his daughter. I recommend not having children with him.

He hasn't accepted it at all. He is chipping away at you trying to manipulate you into providing child care for his daughter so that he can have his free time by using up yours.
Living with this man will only damage you, it means he has constant access to you with which to subordinate you and grind you down.

Actually I think he's using you to be a step in mother for his child. It's not right. You have no duty to this child or the man child you consider your partner. Honestly if you were my friend I would encourage you to leave him. This isn't going to improve.

Do not have children with this excuse of a man.
Move back home

Do yourself a favour and move back home to your support network.
This man doesn't have your best interests at heart, only his own.
I would have been gone the minute he made solo plans assuming I'd babysit without even asking. That was your warning.
He'll probably start showing you who he really is now you're trying to put some boundaries in place anyway.

I mean this comment should ring alarm bells. He's already trying to chip away at your self esteem and alienate you from friends and family.

'My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.'

I would really rethink your relationship, I think you’d be better to move back to your support system. He does not have your interests at heart and is using you to share the responsibility of HIS child.

He is an extractive user who is projecting his own behaviour on to you. He is selfish, he is trying to avoid family time. He is steeped in patriarchy and you are a utility for him to use, not a person in your own right with your own needs and life. Your health and mental health are suffering because he is taking more than he is giving. This will continue until you remove yourself from the parasite. He has nothing to offer you. Go find someone who adds to your life, and have your own child to invest your time and energy into if that what you want.

I think you've posted about this before? You seem unhappy away from your friends and family. I'd strongly consider moving back to your home place. Your boyfriend just wants to bully you into minding his child while he goes out. That won't stop. You know he doesn't have your interest at heart.

He's trying to control you to use you to make his life easier.
This is not a partnership.
Get out now.
If not sooner.
And stay out.
All the best.

Run!