Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

Honestly just knock this one on the head ad move back home. He sounds awful.

Add up his hobby time each week. Make a bet that the hours he spends doing hobbies are similar in number to the time you spend catching up with your friends.

The poster you were replying to here was being a bit of a dick to you in my opinion (wow, barely past 6am and mumsnet has inspired me to use that word twice today already!).

Let's set aside the fact that this is your DP's DD and not biologically your own. Two people parenting together should ideally get roughly equal time to themselves to do their own things and connect with their own friends and families. If one parent can do this more easily than the other on a day-to-day basis - for instance due to distance, as is in your case - it makes sense for one person to have a sort of single block of time less frequently whilst the other has more little outings. So far, so sensible as far as I can see. Maybe if your DP wants to do some weekend things by himself occasionally, you might decide to facilitate that so that he can experience a whole day 'off' too, but it makes sense for this to be far less frequent than you going off for the day because in your case it's the only way you can see these people who matter to you!

I do think that there is perhaps a deeper thing going on here. Your DP presumably knows you've been struggling and feeling isolatated, yet still seems like he's unhappy with you taking this time for yourself. He also sounds like a hypocrite. You mention that he used to take advantage and would happily go off to do his own thing on weekends in the past, so this suggests that his objection isn't really about a lack of family time. It is about you not being there to help him parent. And if he is off most evenings, he isn't sending you the message that he greatly values your company.

Do you love this man? Do you trust him and his values? Do you enjoy spending time together, both 1:1 and with his DD? Because this is your life you are building right now. Your happiness matters, and I am curious about whether your feeling low at the moment is telling you something about your situation not being right for you. If this is not the right person for you, it is not too late to step back and make a different choice.

After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

It sounds like you realised at this point that this bloke does not respect you, does not consider you his equal (he thinks that his time, wants, and needs trump yours every time), does not have your best interests at heart, and does not treat you like a partner (rather like a servant). You pushed back, said no, explained how his demands and expectations negatively impacted you and he STILL tried to bully you over it. He resisted your "no", he did not want to compromise even when he saw that his actions were hurting you. He put himself first at your expense. Finally he gave up this pathway because he was getting nowhere, and he was probably terrified you'd wise up and leave him.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

Plenty of grown ups still have strong ties with their parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, whoever. Be wary as he may be intentionally trying to isolate you from your support network to make you more dependent oh him. There's also a hefty dose of irony here; you're both adults but of the two of you only HE has chosen to be a parent. HE needs to "grow up" and take care of his child or else pay someone to do it. And by the way if he has his daughter 4-5 nights a week in practice, regardless of what he and the mother might have agreed, it is not 50/50 custody and he should look into whether he is owed child maintenance from the mother, which he could use to pay for a carer when he wants to go out despite having his child with him.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him.

Of course he does. He does not demand the same sacrifices from himself as he does from you, because HE is important and you aren't. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, that's your choice, but for goodness sake stop internalising his nonsense. You stood up for yourself once; you can again.

The DD deserves some time just her and her dad. This is what she will remember when she is older.

Keep taking your day off at the weekend.

Move back home @Chillonthesarnie .

I would leave him asap. It's bad enough having a selfish man child around when the kids are your own. I wouldn't be pandering to this nonsense for a second longer.
You get one life. Is this the one you want? He is a time and energy thief. Sees your life as less valuable than his and doesnt want to parent his own child alone. Run for the hills. If you have children with him he will be even more selfish and you will leave anyway.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm afraid your post is so damning of your partner's behaviour it's hard to see he's given you any reason to stay with him. You sound lovely and can and do much better than him. Well done for posting this and please, please listen to what the vast majority of people are saying. The longer you stay with him the harder it will be for you to leave. Good luck.

Just to join the choir, you're not being selfish. Your partner ('') is. If 'family should be enough' then why is he out with his mates most evenings? Sounds like a prize asshole, tbh.

How old are you OP? How do you feel when you are driving to see your friends and family? (Excitement? Relief? Joy?) And how do you feel driving back to that place and him? (Dread, anxiety?). I know this may sound extreme but I think you should walk away from this and move back to your support network. He sounds selfish and controlling and it will only get worse. You only get one life. Do you want this “to be it?”
good luck xx

I wouldnt date a man with a child end of.

He’s a selfish prick who wants you to do all the childcare he should be doing. Leave him and move back home to your family and friends.

Well obviously he's the selfish one! What an entitled twat. He expects you to look after his DC and he's trying to get you back in line.

You did do too much at first, putting so much effort in. You've given up your life for this man. Are you happy?

A PP asked how you felt visiting your home town and how you felt coming back. This is your answer.

IME things don't magically get better. This man is very selfish and doesn't think you are entitled to the same things he enjoys. He doesn't make any effort to include you in his fun things. Is this all enough for you?

Go back home and ne with your friends and family and find a less complicated relationship. You do sound more like a nanny than a partner. This set up would be hard enough if she was your child.

i say this as a stepmother of 3 who are now grown up….

i am really sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread. There is no point because I have already read a version of this thread, hundreds of times on here. Hundreds.
So many bloody men, lining up the next woman to parent their child. Over and over and over.
Lazy arsed men, have a child, move on, don’t really want to actually parent, want to meet someone else and pass the parenting on to their next woman.
I’m feeling a bit all over it this morning (in case you couldn’t tell)
You have done nothing wrong. You can love her but she’s not your child. She has parents who should be parenting. It is not down to you to make up for her shitty parents. Of course you are kind to her, she’s a child, anyone with an ounce of compassion will care about her, love her even, want the best for her. BUT just because you’re a woman, it does not make you a human support animal for a man. Have your weekend days, have more of them please.

This

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time.

Translation = you are not doing enough childcare

He just wants help with the kids. Not your responsibility at all! Even though I have my own kids, if I were to split with their father and start dating again, I would never date someone that had their children every weekend. Yes it could be called selfish, but we're allowed to be selfish- that's what people forget.

You are so NOT being unreasonable. When this lowlife disappears, your family and friends are the ones who will support you. They are part of your life, not his and not yours as a couple. Treasure them!
Meanwhile just make sure he isn't trying to cut you off.. There are a few not quite red but definitely dark pink flags going on here..

Poor little kid.

You’re being taken advantage of by your partner (& his ex). It’s great you are loving and welcoming to DSD but the idea that you are no longer allowed a life of your own and see your own family and friends because you have to look after her instead of her own parents is appalling.

I would move back out and reframe the relationship and if you want to continue, see him when he is free or can get a babysitter. I think he’ll very quickly try to replace you with another nurse and possibly also purse! You don’t mention finances but I can guess you’re also paying for a lot!

Yeah, you need to consider moving back near your family & friends, and leaving this relationship. He was happy for you to look after his dd & when you stopped, he argued about it. He spends his weekday evenings out, when does he spend time with you? The comment about you not needing support from others & that you should focus on you new family is very concerning. I suspect he thought that you would be more isolated by moving 3 hours away from your support network, and is trying to make you give them up, which is a big red flag. He just wants you there to help with childcare, please don't have a baby with him, he's already shown you who he is.

OP go and see your family and friends as often as you want. Stop over and spend the whole weekend of you need to.
Your principle should be that you are not the child’s parent, he is, and you will not be left in sole charge of her. I’d maybe relax that if she is already asleep and you have nothing planned. So the rules are:

• Your free time is entirely that and you will do no babysitting other than by express prior agreement. You can go out at any moment.
• You are not the child’s parent, he is, and you will do no childcare. This includes caring for he such as bath time, cooking and washing and also arranging activities for the child,. You may choose to join him or not when he arranges things.

Unfortunately you got into bad habbits when you moved in in your desire to please but you can row it back now. Unfortunately I suspect when you do, he will end your relationship as I think babysitting services are something he will expect and demand.

I couldn't agree more. My husband used to get really pissed off if I even thought about not being there when his kids were at his (except for work)
Thank god they're adults now

I honestly can’t imagine a man so amazing I would live with his 5-year-old. Life with children is so hard and what saves it is they’re my children that I love.

Is he gorgeous, funny, intelligent, rich, amazing in bed, kind, thoughtful, selfless?

Well, we know he is not the last three, based on this post. And even if he has all the other traits - still not remotely worth it.