Weekends when you’re in a relationship with a man with a child… should I be less selfish?

[Chillonthesarnie]

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who’s got a 5 year old daughter. Custody is split 50/50 but my partner has his daughter around 4/5 days a week due to requests from her mum.

Shes with us Thursday - Monday every week, meaning every weekend. I work Monday to Friday in healthcare in quite a stressful role. I moved 3 hours away from my home to move in with my partner.

At the beginning of living together I made a massive effort to be involved in “family time” and arranged fun weekends etc for his daughter. After some time I realised he was taking advantage of this and organising his own thing during the weekend and expecting me to look after his daughter. I refused to do this. It caused many arguments but I think he’s accepted it now.

I have quite fragile mental health and I noticed a dip in this around January. I’ve been making more of an effort to stay in touch with my friends and my elderly parents. I don’t have time after work in the week to see friends or family due to travel time, so arrange this at the weekend.

I make sure I have one day with my partner and his daughter but the other day I don’t turn down plans to see friends or my family.

I usually leave home around 10am and get back at 8pm. This gives me enough time to have dinner/catch up and travel to and from.

My partner had said this is selfish and I’m avoiding family time. It’s not every weekend but I try to do it often because I feel so lonely away from everyone and my home.

My partner tells me I need to grow up, realise that I’m an adult and not require some much support from others. He says we’re a family and that should be enough.

But I crave time with my family and friends. At home I feel like it’s non-stop work, non-stop childcare and rinse and repeat.

My partner goes out most evenings for hobbies and seeing friends because they live here and it’s easier for him

Am I being selfish? Should I cut down the times I see my family and friends?

As others have said you’re absolutely not being selfish. It can be boring being alone with a child on a weekend but she isn’t your responsibility.
as an aside - would it not work better for you to travel home for a whole weekend every other week rather than doing al that driving in one day?

I would leave this relationship and move back closer to friends and family. He thought you moving in would be free childcare. He doesn't really care about your mental health or wellbeing.

This is awful, no way would I have that every weekend and it is totally unfair of your partner to expect it of you. You have let it happen and he is now taking advantage of it.

Of course you want to do other things and see friends and family, there is nothing unreasonable about that, it's normal.

You are so not being selfish

What's happening is parenting via the back door - Happened to me 30 years ago , giving up my holidays, spending christmases on my own etc

Now the kids are grown and they bring their kids to stay and absolve themselves of all responsibility , I have to constantly remind the "GC' thet mummy is there and refer to her

No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you love family time, you are in essence a single woman and you need your life and dont let it slide being the unpaid carer

Massive red flags! I would leave as soon as you are able to and go back to people who genuinely care about you xx

No you don't sound selfish. You sound like someone who is putting in place healthy boundaries and I say good on you. One day of family time. One day of grown up time. That's a balance and if he doesn't like it that's his problem not yours.

Sorry OP but this isn't right. His daughter is his responsibility and it's his relationship to maintain, you can do as much or as little as you wish, so long as you're kind and welcoming to her. He is using you as a free babysitter and then gaslighting you into thinking thats your job/responsibility, he's moved you away from friends and family and you're seeing the warning signs in your own mental health.
I think you've two options;

• if you want to (I wouldn't) and you are able, have an adult conversation and agree you'll live separately. He needs a family home for his daughter and you can live your own life near your friends and family, when he's able then you can date, holiday together and have a relationship that doesn't tie you to his family/caring responsibilities. I suspect he will not want that as he has a built in babysitter/mother/carer in you at the moment.
• you just run and go back to your own area and never see him again.

Ultimately, you've a stressful job mon-fri, you want someone who can help you unwind, look after you, provide you with support and be someone you can relax with at evenings and weekends. At the moment this relationship is a drain on your energy and stress levels which is the opposite of a good relationship. You're not asking too much.

whilst you are with a man with a child, she is not your child. He needs to step up a bit more. Use your day a week, and maybe think about whether this relationship works for you or not.

Leave him

This. He wanted a bang nanny, not a partner

I see what you're saying, but I think it's a bit different when it's a dad introducing his child to a girlfriend. I met my DSD a few months after I started seeing DH, actually at his ex's insistence, because they lived in the next street and DSD spent a lot of weekend time with DH, and he wanted that to continue on weekends when I was up (we were in a LDR to begin with) but his ex wanted to 'vet' me first (and, I suspect, get a feel for how I was around DSD) which, although she went about it in a way that was quite uncomfortable for me, I can concede was sensible.

And although IKWYM about relationships that get serious quickly, I moved in with DH after 10 months and we're still together 26 years on. It can work out, is all I'm saying.

He's not your husband, so he doesn't get to designate you a defacto parent.

If he wants you to be his daughter's stepmum then he can start by giving you some financial security and stability by making you his wife.

If he doesn't want to put his money where his mouth is then he doesn't get to benefit from your kind nature in this way. Simple.

This. 100%

My best advice is leave. Go back to where home is with family and friends and leave “dad of the year” to parenting his own child.

Things won’t get better and, if you had a child with him, your life would be even worse.

The child's mother doesn't seem to spend much time with her. Father's out most of the time. It's just you then, OP. It won't get better, get out.

He shouldn’t be going out and regularly leaving you alone with the child. Once in a while is fine IF you are happy to have her, but she’s his responsibility. He’s using you for childcare so he can see his friends. You are entitled to have time with your friends and you’re still getting family time in. Surely it’s good for both him and the child to have that one on one time together too? Sounds like the weekend setup should be the best thing for all 3 of you. Poor child is being shafted by mum and dad here.

He’s awful. He goes out most evenings? Please start the gym or sauna and cold plunge and do it most evenings. Then maybe you’d be able to make some locaL friends!
he has a nanny with a fanny and doesn’t respect you. I really think you should leave him and enjoy child free life or have your own child or even be a stepmum to a child with a decent dad

Let this, and other threads about step-parenting, be a warning to people not to get too involved with anyone who has a dependent child or children. It's OK when the kids are older, have left home and probably married but no young kids.

Be friends, yes, maybe more than that but don't set up home together. There are other potential partners out there who have no children, then life is much simpler.

OP, I have the feeling that this relationship is not going to last much longer. There is a limit to what you can take.

I do feel for the little girl but she is not your problem and her parents are being unfair to you.

Don't wait what is left of your young life!

I find it interesting how people are calling mum names and shaming her for only having daughter 2 days a week when most dads see their kids EOW and that seems to be acceptable.

Please prioritize yourself. The other adults are prioritizing themselves.

Leave this selfish nasty man

Stop doing nice things for men. The only currency they understand is s** and money. Unless you leverage one of those things, you will end up in therapy.

He is taking the piss!

He is taking the piss and has spoken to you very disrespectfully, ironic that he told you to grow up when he sounds very petty to me, throwing his toys out the pram when you question his obvious plan to use you for free childcare while he goes out to hobbies every night like a teenager.
I think you already know this isn't right for you - leave him, go to your family asap & put this behind you, you deserve better x

It never seems to be the other way round, where the mum with kids says the man without kids is being selfish! @Chillonthesarnie I was the mum who had small children, and I never pushed my then partner to do the family thing all the time. They are my children! Cant believe the nerve of this man. You can definitely do better