To have paid for all my newborns things?

[Greekslippers]

Just wanted opinions here!

FTM. My newborn is 12 weeks old - he is a bundle of joy. It has just dawned on me that I have bought everything for him; from sudocream, to cots, to prams - all clothes, the full works. My hormones are settling and I am starting to see things a bit clearer. I worked until 36 weeks. Professional career.

I use coffee / nicorette (ex/smoker) (!) to keep me awake during all the nights feeds as I do those too. Essentially, I asked my husband to go and buy me those two things to get me through the night shift - I noticed he had transferred £30 for it from our joint account to his account? I was like what the hell? I pointed out I had paid for everything else. Is he taking the piss?!

AIBU?

Hmm. You don't see this sort of thing from your average professional....

"when I seen the transfers for the coffees and nicotine I was like WTF!"

I thought my wife was a control freak – now I know I was the problem
Posting this here just in case someone finds it helpful.

Weaponised incompetence is the least of your concerns. This is financial abuse.

The nicotine and caffeine probably aren't a good idea in themselves. But more importantly, what I'm taking from their use is that you're up all night with the baby. And all day. That isn't fair, or safe. What are you going to do about this?

You got a good maternity package you say? You still paying mortgage and bills out of that though? 50% or 100%? You planning on gping back to work? The childcare is a family cost, right? Not just yours? Where are the ongoing nappies, kid's cutlery, toddler toys, big kid clothes, school trips etc. coming from, going forward?

I'm predicting future "he has hobbies all the time, but I don't have time to have a shit by myself, 5 years later" threads.

Another marriage with the finances in a shambles. It’s a foundation of the relationship and should have been sorted.

Bonkers isn’t it. But I don’t understand how it’s got to this stage. Don’t you talk to each other OP, about the baby and finances? Buying the cot and pram were big purchases for us which we discussed.

When you bought the pram don’t you say to your DH ‘I’ve seen a Silver Cross pram it’s £950, or there’s a McLaren one which is £750 but not sure about the colour. Shall we get a car seat for both cars or just mine? Are your parents going to help out with the cost?

How can it got to this stage where he’s taking the money for coffee off you?? Did he charge you for petrol when he drove you to hospital to have the baby?

W.T.A.F!

If we are playing at petty games like that, I suggest you bill for half of everything you have bought for the baby including the formula and nappies.

Also, if you're not going back to work immediately, his entire income is family money. Your job will be childcare. How's that going to hit home to him?

The only way I can fathom this being genuine is if OP is in her 40s and really wanted a child. I can understand that, though I think a sperm donor is a much better and less complicated route.

There was no need to marry the worthless sack of crap though.

It beggars belief.
I've told my daughter that if she chooses one of these, I will flog her until she relocates her sense.

Add it all up and make him transfer you half

Its his baby too

Or just fucking leave the useless twat!!

Hang on, so he has access to your wages, but you don’t have access to his?

This is financial abuse. This is a joint baby, so he should be contributing.
Please don’t tell me he is expecting you to continue to pay bills while you are off work?

Edit to add: you should invoice him for the childcare you are providing

Op you have what Mumsnet used to call a cocklodger!

You’ve asked ‘Why do you think this is acceptable?’ …. Where did that poster say they think his behaviour is acceptable?

Oh FFS women of mumsnet, expect better of your men - demand better.

Sorry @Greekslippers but there’s been so many of these threads recently and it makes me despair. Your bar is so low - raise it.

Some men don't show their true colours until after a baby. Hindsight is great.

Why did not the baby things come out of the joint account? He's a joint investment. Your DH needs to put more into the marriage - more money by the looks of things. And if you are bottle feeding there is no reason he can't do that Friday and Saturday nights so you get a good sleep and a lie-in on Sunday. Prat.

Does he pay any bills at all?! Why does he not think he needs to contribute 50% for all the things the baby needs?! Is it not his child?! Please don’t put up with this nonsense, really not worth it!

I’m so sorry @Greekslippers this is no way to live. It’s not a joint account unless you both pay equal/proportional amounts into it. I’m honestly not sure what the solution is here if he doesn’t understand the joint responsibility that comes with parenting. I think I’d set it out straight for him in terms of a full picture of expenses. Otherwise I think you’d be better off as a single parent.

He isn't paying anything for their baby, OP has bought everything for the baby. How did you miss that point?

Brilliant. Make up an invoice too. God why are so many men so crap.
Sorry OP you deserve so much more.

All of it should be coming from the joint account. You need a proper chat about budgeting

The problem is, as many have said in other threads, that they dont start out like this. A PP above described her ex as the man who would be the first with his hand in his pocket to treat her and others.

Do you really think that if they started out like that they would get a woman to stay long enough to have babies with them?

Its insidious, it starts with teeny tiny things that you ascribe no meaning to, then a little bit bigger and so on. And before you know where you are you are doing everything, paying everything AND being called selfish and lazy when you say "ENough!! Pull your fucking weight"

How were things before you got married @Greekslippers ? How were finances approached then?
How long were you together before you decided to marry?