To have paid for all my newborns things?

[Greekslippers]

Just wanted opinions here!

FTM. My newborn is 12 weeks old - he is a bundle of joy. It has just dawned on me that I have bought everything for him; from sudocream, to cots, to prams - all clothes, the full works. My hormones are settling and I am starting to see things a bit clearer. I worked until 36 weeks. Professional career.

I use coffee / nicorette (ex/smoker) (!) to keep me awake during all the nights feeds as I do those too. Essentially, I asked my husband to go and buy me those two things to get me through the night shift - I noticed he had transferred £30 for it from our joint account to his account? I was like what the hell? I pointed out I had paid for everything else. Is he taking the piss?!

AIBU?

I doubt how genuine threads like this are to be honest.

Instead of answering any questions people are asking they just give more and more examples of the same situation they've posted about.. it seems to follow a pattern.

Have a day off
Sanctimonious and judgemental

Has he tried to be involved with the baby? Does he ever change nappies, do feeds, bathing etc.

Dear god, OP, have you married my ex?! Seriously...I continued to pay for everything whilst on SMP, I bought all the baby things, I did 100% of caring for the baby 24/7 and survived on coffee and Nutella...He insisted he earned 60k a year, yet when my savings ran out and I had to say, 'please pay the electricity bill', he just told me he had no money. I had to borrow from family. He never even bothered to ask how I'd paid the bills when I had no income and no savings. Shock horror, he's never paid child maintenance.

Ducks in a row OP...the earlier you leave (if that's your plan), the easier it is on children, as they don't remember anything different.

Divorce and claim CMS.

You are laugjing. You can see why people think this. No sane person would put up with this

I think you’ve been caught up in the loving and giving phase and hormones of motherhood. Now you can see what he is up to you need to have a good sit down and chat about what exactly you expect from him.
you need to give yourself lots of tlc too as it’s all new to you.
you need to tot up how much you’ve spent on your child and split it 50/50 and anything that supports you as the mum and absolute family rock is a 50/50 expense too as you need all the support you can get.
He’s never been a dad and sounds like he’s been allowed to be selfish. He can’t be selfish now he has a family.
write your list of questions and needs and go through them one by one after a good meal and a beer and wine so both a bit relaxed.
His answers will tell you what you need to know and if this is gonna be the start of a massive uphill battle for 21 years of your kids life. He’s stuck in single 1960s male attitudes and unfortunately it’s up to you to speak up and get what you and your child need and expect as a minimum and absolutely no sex til you get some good answers. Good luck xxx

Realise the first time he would of paid anything for his child is when you kick him out and he has to pay child maintenance

There's always one! 🙄

You've really hit the loser jackpot with this one. Were you completely desperate?

yes he is. My ex wasn’t quite that bad, but with DS1 we hadn’t long bought our house and settled into routine. I soon found out, all the baby clothes, nappies, shoes, fell to me. He would pay for an occasional shopping, but normally he would stand there and let me pay. Despite earning more. Yet happily benefited from things line reduced nursery bill as I wanted 1 day a week with my baby. It’s not the reason I left him, it’s much worse than that, but it would have become the reason.

What makes it worse, is when we met, he was the most generous person I knew. Always putting his hand into his pocket for rounds of drinks. If I knew how the money situation would have been, there’s no way i’d have got with him. Because arguing over money destroys relationship. He went overseas after the split which meant higher salary, and even loss costs as he was never here. He paid zero maintenance. Yes he put money aside for their uni fees, and both will graduate without any student debt. He owned a 5 bed house, whilst I rented a 2 bed for me and the kids, plus got free accomodation overseas with drivers and staff. He left me here caring for the kids when I had a very serious chronic illness, requiring multiple hospital stays and a major op that saw me in hospital for 3wks.

Yet know, 15yrs after the split, youngest reaches 18 and just finishing her A levels and I am relocating back to near family where living is much cheaper, and means out of London I can buy. Despite years of struggling paying high rental, whereas he said nothing, he keeps saying he’s like to help. I am just liking the comments and saying nothing, as I find it frustrating and annoying all those years I struggled so far, he didn’t pay any thing.

I was about to write the same thing.

If he is not putting money in the joint account, does that mean he is also not paying anything towards your bills?

I just can't comprehend why you haven't asked for any contribution towards the baby items! Why are you putting up with any of this?!

I love how you described it as a joint account then further into the thread you wrote it's your account with just your money that he has access to?! How on earth have you got to the point of buying a house together, marriage, a baby and realised you pay for everything? I mean when you first start living together is when you start discussing this, then once married you usually revisit and then you usually have a chat BEFORE trying for a baby. How on earth do you get through all these stages without him contributing to a joint account (an actual joint account that is setup specially and you BOTH pay into)? How do you agree to try for a baby with this setup? Funding your own mat leave? I mean if you have separate finances you work out your income with mat pay and reduce personal spends accordingly, you don't have the woman on mat leave funding it all and taking a hit to savings. It's mind boggling how you arrived here?

I think you need a divorce lawyer, your marriage doesn't otherwise sound ok either.

Ok ok, and what has he said about all this since you pointed it out??

What the hell??? Sort that out right away.

Kick him out and claim CMS.

I genuinely don’t know how someone can be this naive.

Surely when you were in the shops choosing baby stuff together, you noticed that it was only you who got your bank card out.

Are you older or not ‘conventionally attractive’?
I’m wondering if you felt you couldn’t get anyone else/running out of chances to have a baby which is why you ignored it all until now.

He is stealing from you. These are his expenses just as much as yours.

he should also be taking in half (or proportional to income) of any lost wages you have during your maternity leave.

and any increased expenses you personally have related to pregnancy and childbirth.

Ive been reading mumsnet since my dd was a baby. She drives now. These threads are shockingly common. It never changes. Women are duped into separate accounts and end up subsidizing the men.

So he’s contributing £0 to household expenses as well as providing nothing for the baby? You have a cocklodger.

This is abuse. Get out however you can. He has nothing but contempt for you.

Who paid for your wedding OP? Surely that’s a joint thing, exactly like a baby is. Shopping for the pram, the cot, the car seat, isofix base, clothes and all the paraphernalia kept us occupied for months. We spent weekends in Mamas and Papas, John Lewis, Mothercare. It was a pleasurable thing, it just wouldn’t have crossed our minds for one of us to pay, it’s a joint purchase because the baby is the exact definition of a joint venture.

I just wouldn’t except this for a second. He took money off you for fucking coffee? Coffee? You’re his wife!!!

I would divorce this moron and take him for as much as possible. Financially you’re on your own anyway, and you seem to do everything anyway, so what does he bring to the table? He doesn’t even pay for your bloody hot drinks. Fucking hell.

Op you need to match the energy he's putting out there. Tally how much you've spent buying things for the baby and tell him directly how much he owes you for his half. If there's a big discrepancy between your salaries (ie if one of you earns a lot more) then work it out according to the percentage difference. So if one of you earns 20% more that person should contribute 20% more to the baby costs. You need to total all shared expenses and do the same with that. I'd also tell him that you're going to be going out for some self care on x day every x week/s and he will be solely responsible for baby during that time. If you're breastfeeding and baby won't take a bottle then you allocate him more household chores to balance his contribution.

If he starts to complain then I'd be telling him that if he can't step up and be a team with you then the next stage is marriage counselling and the stage after that is him finding a new place to live. And you need to be prepared to follow through op. You've allowed him to walk all over you (without realising) so you need to reign this back in now. Personally I'd have lost all respect for him at this point but how he reacts to you putting a foot down will be the decider for your marriage.

Married for about 18 months and had a baby with a cocklodger.

I said earlier this week - WHY are so many women saddling themselves with these TWATS?

You seem a sensible level headed person. May I ask what you would like to get out of the contributions to this thread? I feel I might have some thoughts or insightful questions to ask but I'd like to make sure you'd find them useful before sharing.