AIBU to object after he assumed he and his daughter would move in?

[Trombolice]

Name changed for this.

Been seeing someone for around a year and a half. This morning he casually dropped it into conversation that his daughter might have to move schools when they move. I asked where he was moving to and he said “I mean when we move in together?”

I said “who said anything about moving in together??” So he said “well not now obviously but at some point we will surely?” So I said “and where are you assuming we’ll live?”

Long story short he had it in his head that he and his daughter would be moving in to my house. His rationale is that I have “so much more space” and much more space than I need and it’s selfish to not want to share it.

I said I have no intention of having anyone live with me! He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc

I think he has got his daughter believing they will be moving in to my house too. They live in a two bedroom house.

AIBU??

Of course he shouldn't have assumed he was going to be moving in with you! That's ridiculous on his part.

However, it's probably a bit unusual that you hadn't made it clear at any point during an eighteen-month relationship that you didn't ever see the relationship being any different from the way it is now. I think most adults would have had a bit of a chat about where they see things going. If I was dating with no intention of ever having a partner live with me again, I think I'd certainly have made sure much earlier on that I was dating people who were on the same page.

So, obviously YANBU to object, that goes without saying. But I also think you should have been a bit clearer from the start that you didn't ever want to live with him at all (regardless of what house it was in).

@BauhausOfEliott yes maybe

but as a parent of a 12 year old you don’t tell the 12 year old about the big house they are moving into without clearing it with the owner first surely?

and 18 months is nothing if there are dependents involved

surely if you had an about to enter teenage dependent and your partner was complete in their child rearing you would assume that they wouldn’t want you and your teenager moving in?

regardless he knows now, @Trombolice is really selfish in his mind, and perhaps the nice free paid for house was his end goal and now that’s not happening he’s a bit miffed

Oh wow a cocklodger in real time. Men never cease to have the audacity.

Which is why you have the conversation. It’s perfectly OK to want the benefits of living apart, but it’s unusual that the relevant information didn’t already come out.

Is there a link to this delight? X

This would have me questioning the entire relationship OP, although sounds like he's stropped off anyway now that he knows he can't lodge his cock (and child) at yours!

I'm happily married, been with my DH for 30 years but honestly if for any reason I ever find myself single I know in my heart and soul I would never live with a man again. Go with your gut on this!

I think all the comments were about this specific bloke not renrers generally. Nobody has suggested all renters are just waiting to take over a house someone else owns.

War rug - Wikipedia https://share.google/HTrCBGBLlgJfS60Lj

I had never heard of these. How many people have collections of them? Nobody I know.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5513388-aibu-to-think-blended-family-life-is-draining-us-all?page=1

The poor love ended up with 4 threads ... she is an absolute legend!

Same. 25 years happily married but no way would I share a house with a man if he weren’t around anymore. I can 100% see how lovely it would be to be in a loving companionship where you each have your own place to retreat to. Moving in together only really seems to have financial benefits in the cost sharing. But if you can afford to live alone then that seems preferable. I realise not everyone feels the same though and like constant company. Not me.

I mean, obviously there should have been a conversation before assuming he'd be moving in with you, but it is not fundamentally unreasonable if you're in a long term relationship to assume you will eventually want to live together. Is he specifically upset because you've told him he can't move in with you or because you've basically told him you have no intention of progressing the relationship beyond the dating stage? If moving in together is never on the cards for you that's something you should have been upfront to him about, so it seems like there's been a failure to have an important discussion on both sides.

I would broke with him if I were you because you want to live on your own and he wants to live with you and his daughter.
I would break with you if I were him because I would be looking forward to live with a partner that doesn't want to live with me and my daughter.
I don't see the point to carry on with a relationship where the goals of the people involved are completely different either way and regardless if he is a CF or madly in love with you.

I’m surprised people think like this. Thay after 18 months it’s reasonable to make that assumption with no conversation at all on it.

im also struggling with this posters view the op is at fault for not telling him that, rather than he is at fault for making an assumption without discussing it.

especially since their is a child involved.

for clarity no you don’t assume if you’ve been with someone 18 months you will live together, nor do you assume you and your kid can move into their house. You need to discuss it.

really shocked adults don’t know this.

I agree with others who think there is no future in this relationship. This man strongly resents the fact that you are wealthier than him. He will keep chipping away at you in an attempt to get his hands on your assets, plotting and scheming to find a way in. Fortunately he doesn't have the discipline to keep his mouth shut and hide his true intentions, this should mean that he has fallen at the first hurdle.
My experience is that men cannot accept being out done by a woman in any way shape or form.

He was definitely out of line to presume he would be moving his daughter in and utterly ridiculous to suggest you were are being selfish with your own property!

I do think its a bit odd that you've not had any conversation about the future after a year though. And I think its fine for him to ask if you'll think about moving in with him once his daughter has left home. The same as its fine if you say no

This. It’s not fundamentally unreasonable to hope to live with someone eventually if you care a lot about them and wish to be with them all time. It is fundamentally unreasonable to assume that this is also what they should want. I really don’t think that the goal of living together should be seen as the ‘norm’ these days. We’ve moved on. His outrage at OP not sharing his own plan is totally unjustified. And to have told his daughter they would be moving in before even opening the discussions is just terrible.

This man thinks he owns the op, as her lord and master he has a right to live in her house.

I don't think he's unreasonable to think or even assume, If you haven't discussed it ,that at some point in the future you may live together somewhere. I even think being a tad upset that you said no way, is forgivable in the heat of the moment when he realised you're not on the same page. But to throw a massive strop, accuse you of being selfish, tell you you have too many unused bedrooms and it's not fair is completely out of order. You wanting to remain the only one living in your house, that you paid for, is not selfish. Caring only about what he wants or needs without any thought for the needs or wishes of the person who actually owns the house is the very definition of selfish. Prior to this has he shown any other signs of being a cheeky twat?

Dump him right now. How dare he make such an assumption?

A man who thinks you're selfish not to want to house him and his child is showing he thinks he's entitled to your assets. If that isn't a red flag, I don't know what is.

It's not unreasonable to want to live with the person you love. But that wasn't his line, was it? Luckily for you, he wasn't bright enough to sugar-coat.

Why do you date such a looser. Whay kind of lame man cant provide with his child and wants a woman ehos not rven related to his child provide him and his child with a house

I don't think even a prenup protects you in England now.

It's long enough to have had the conversation, is what I'm saying - especially if there's kids involved. Especially if the OPs end of the conversation goes 'I don't ever want to live with anyone else again, so if you want a long term relationship with me you'll have to deal with that'

OP is happy to continue exactly as they are (or, she WAS happy) and he is the one who wants to change things, so it’s up to him to initiate that conversation.

This is exactly what I wanted to say - what an entitled arse !