AIBU to object after he assumed he and his daughter would move in?

[Trombolice]

Name changed for this.

Been seeing someone for around a year and a half. This morning he casually dropped it into conversation that his daughter might have to move schools when they move. I asked where he was moving to and he said “I mean when we move in together?”

I said “who said anything about moving in together??” So he said “well not now obviously but at some point we will surely?” So I said “and where are you assuming we’ll live?”

Long story short he had it in his head that he and his daughter would be moving in to my house. His rationale is that I have “so much more space” and much more space than I need and it’s selfish to not want to share it.

I said I have no intention of having anyone live with me! He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc

I think he has got his daughter believing they will be moving in to my house too. They live in a two bedroom house.

AIBU??

He clearly sees you (and your house) as his long term financial plan.

It is strange to assume that when you are both mature adults with your own places and independence.

Yep!!

I would wager that as much as he likes you, he is also very attracted to your home OP.

Get him in the bin!!

Tell him this is the way you see your future....

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/may/19/are-you-a-lat-couple-enjoying-living-apart-together?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Most people assume they will live together or marry after a certain amount of time. Obviously not everyone wants to, but it might be best to say after a few months if you don't-yes it's your choice, but it is still an assumption most people have, and means neither of you are wasting time when you've got different goals, and things are more difficult when kids are involved.

Fair point. I did see that other thread and the stepdaughter starting to say the house wriggle be hers, but I can't find it.

Umm but would you not broach it in a conversation - “would you see us living together” and then expect to find somewhere where you contribute equally?!

Not just expect to encroach on the other person’s home without any discussion because they’re “sElFiSh” if you don’t, and bring a child with you to boot.

He got cocky and showed his hand too early. That’s great news for you OP, as you know his intentions.

Don't let him manipulate you. I’d be seriously considering ending it.

You know what. Fair points. Thanks all for correcting me.

It's because of the partner jumping in at the end point of the discussion rather than the start of the conversation.

Most (normal) people have the "where is the relationship going?" chat - regarding marriage, living together, maintaining separate residences. Plus a chat about timescales, whether one would move in with the other or they would get a joint home together along with issues such as parenting and relationships with each others' children, finances etc etc

However, OP's partner skipped over this entirely and the first OP knew of what was going on in his head was him starting to talk about his dd moving schools when he moved in....

And when OP's reaction was negative - instead of apologising for getting a bit ahead of himself for presuming he and his 12 year old dd were just going to move in - he doubled down to call OP "selfish" and "unfair" for not "sharing". So he clearly sees himself as entitled to her property.

Its in 30dsys only.

And for the second time today. I agree with you completely!!

Time to throw that one back, @Trombolice.

So now you know who he is - 'Single man seeks soul mate for long walks in the rain, pina coladas, etc. Must have own house; please send photo of the house and details of number of bedrooms and bathrooms.'

Please dump this loser.

In the bin he goes! Not your bin though. He can’t even have the bin!

Of course he's angry, without a word to the Op he'd presumed he'd move him and his DC in with her, he'd save money on rent, bills and have an inhouse babysitter if he wanted to go out. If he lost part of his pensions in the divorce moving in when his DC left would give him a much more comfortable retirement too.

He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc.

My bedroom is kind of small; if you have some bigger ones can I move in too? Oh, and the cats will each need their own room too; there are three of them and I'm pretty sure that at least one snores. Thanks!!

Of course you are not being unreasonable, he is.

"Lurking cocklodgers" has cheered me right up 🤣

Lucky woman. Never mind how he's behaved as long as she knows he's graciously decided they have a future together. She's been chosen by a man!

Just wondering about the 5% who thought OP was being unreasonable!

I also agree with @SidewaysOtter that moving in together is not a "natural progression" to a relationship. Many couples do not live together for reasons which suit them and their lifestyle. Living apart may be more expensive because of the outrageous way in which single people are economically raped but this is a decision for the parties involved to make together.

I roughly feel this way myself although I think if you have a child it could take longer than a year and a half (and the middle of nowhere has lots of drawbacks for a teen!!) but I recognise not everyone feels like this and especially that in adults old enough their dc have grown up it is actually quite common to not want to live with your partner. Both are valid points of view. I really don’t feel like he’s thinking of the best life for his child though, or thinking that he will be the only one spending his life in the car taking her places. Not the ops job.

He called you selfish?? I could just about forgive the assumption you’d want to live together- in the bigger house- but he has designs upon your house. Calling you selfish!! What a grassy, greedy little toad!

If you have a kid, it changes everything.

Never assume.

Totally agree. It's only odd if you're young and want to move towards marriage and kids. Many of us who are past that stage in life have no intention of ever living with a man again.

If you don't want to marry or cohabit again, it's best to say at the start.