AIBU to object after he assumed he and his daughter would move in?

[Trombolice]

Name changed for this.

Been seeing someone for around a year and a half. This morning he casually dropped it into conversation that his daughter might have to move schools when they move. I asked where he was moving to and he said “I mean when we move in together?”

I said “who said anything about moving in together??” So he said “well not now obviously but at some point we will surely?” So I said “and where are you assuming we’ll live?”

Long story short he had it in his head that he and his daughter would be moving in to my house. His rationale is that I have “so much more space” and much more space than I need and it’s selfish to not want to share it.

I said I have no intention of having anyone live with me! He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc

I think he has got his daughter believing they will be moving in to my house too. They live in a two bedroom house.

AIBU??

What a charmer! How can you resist being called selfish until you give in?

He accidentally played his hand too soon and you're lucky. He thought he had it made and he's the kind that would be doing a stealth move in and you'd come home from work or something to find he and his daughter installed. He couldn't be bothered to talk about the future with you but assumed he'd be welcome to live in your home along with his almost teen daughter.

Change your locks and if you don't have a doorbell camera, get one.

I would think it odd if after a year and a half of dating, I was told that my partner had no intention of living with me. I'd actually be quite upset. Its natural progression of a relationship, and not wanting to live together long term shows lack of commitment to me. I don't think he's wrong at all to be upset and hurt by your response.

However, this would usually be in a place where you both contribute equally financially.

He called you selfish for wanting to continue living as you are?! What a knob.

This is relationship ending stuff…

It's not so much the fact he's moving too fast, it's the fact that he's gone off on a major strop, muttering about your spare rooms that isn't good. He should've apologised and said that it may be later down the line when it feels right for you both, not reacted that way.
Is he the man for you?

It's not odd at all, lots of couples don't live together. Especially when you're both older, have your own houses and own lives.

It's not a natural progression for everyone

Do you know it’s actually “he’s got his strong beliefs” 😂

Imagine anyone being dumb enough to volunteer for the teenage years again🙄😱🤣.
Let him off.

OP it seems to me that the big attraction of dating you is your house.

Me too...!

He really does have a cheek to assume so much. I daresay you were happy with things as they were, both of you having your own place but getting together for good times. Many would consider that ideal, it's a pity he doesn't.

If he and his daughter share a two bedroomed house, that should be OK for them. I daresay it is what he can afford, is pleasant and manageable. You having a bigger place is just how it is and not his business, life is like that.

You're not selfish, stick to your guns.

It may be the end of relationship but he obviously wants to set up home with someone so best to finish it now.

I am sorry - for you, not him because you probably thought all was well with the status quo.

This bloke isn’t going to contribute equally is he? He can’t wait to get into OPs big house with his kid. I’m sure OP has told him earlier in the relationship that she doesn’t want to live with him

Throw this one back OP. He wants benefit from your hard work without sacrificing anything himself. And as you don’t want to , he’s Moody !! He is showing you who he really is … do not ignore it 🚩

Its natural progression of a relationship, and not wanting to live together long term shows lack of commitment to me.

That's a narrow and simplistic viewpoint. It's not necessarily the natural progression of a relationship. Lots of people have a long romantic relationships without living together. It doesn't mean a lack of commitment, it can mean a person doesn't want non related people living with their kids, it could be not wanting to combine household income, there's lots of financial reasons where I am for older people not to live together. In @Trombolice 's case, her kids are grown and she doesn't want to have a teen in her space or raise her and having btdt, I don't blame her. Her bf has made it really obvious that getting he and his kid into her home was a primary motivation here. He's a cocklodger wannabe.

A couple we know got married but still live in their own homes and happy too. Luckily they're close neighbours.

DH and I discussed this and both agreed we'd never permanently cohabit or marry if one of us died. We're both too set in our ways.

I totally agree. And I don't see what's in it for any woman who is going from financial and living independence to becoming housekeeper/cook/step mother/step grandmother/ becoming the subject of resentment and/or expectation by virtue of living with a bloke with baggage. Why can't couples who have already been there and done that just come together for the enjoyment of each other's company from time to time, without the expectation of setting up house?

And would you have a strop and tell your partner that they were selfish for not inviting you to move in with them? Then whinge about how unfair it was on you?!

Quite agree

Bin him.

🤣 yip we know what happens in the next chapter 🙃

To be fair, it won't even be a discussion. He's got a very clear picture in his mind of his future in her house with OP looking after him and his daughter.

This in spades.

Thank goodness you seem strong enough to put him in his place. I can understand why he had ideas about living together but his comments about you having so much space & being selfish show his true colours and motivation.

One for the bin.

Stupid question from my end. But if the end goal of this relationship is love, marriage and a true partnership "till death do us part" do you not move in?

Look I'm probably wrong. Just someone explain it to me.

It's his attitude. That he called her selfish and he saw her house as his right. What a horrible grabby attitude. He is bringing a stepdaughter into her house which is an incredibly difficult dynamic in a relationship to manage. He isn't bringing a property into the relationship. She's got a lot to lose and he's got a lot to gain by this arrangement. Calling her selfish and acting like it's his right is 🚨🚨🚨🚨.
Hope that helps!

Because you've done it once and it can't be replicated.

Because you've children from your first marriage who won't be happy.

Because you've limited years to earn left and if the marriage fails you could be left in a financial mess.

YANBU in the slightest and he has been horrendously presumptuous, but I am quite surprised that your views on co-habiting or not haven’t come up before in a relationship of a year and a half?

Op may not want marriage
She may just enjoy his company and be happy to spend time together, go on holiday, have sex and remain financially independent and living alone
She doesn't want to become step mother when she's raised her own children who are now adults and flown the nest. If that doesn't work for him, that's fine for him to leave the relationship and look for someone else who wants similar things to him. But calling op selfish and assuming he's entitled to move forward with what he wants without even considering op may not want the same, makes him an entitled arsehole