AIBU to object after he assumed he and his daughter would move in?

[Trombolice]

Name changed for this.

Been seeing someone for around a year and a half. This morning he casually dropped it into conversation that his daughter might have to move schools when they move. I asked where he was moving to and he said “I mean when we move in together?”

I said “who said anything about moving in together??” So he said “well not now obviously but at some point we will surely?” So I said “and where are you assuming we’ll live?”

Long story short he had it in his head that he and his daughter would be moving in to my house. His rationale is that I have “so much more space” and much more space than I need and it’s selfish to not want to share it.

I said I have no intention of having anyone live with me! He’s now gone off on a major strop saying I have too many unused bedrooms and it’s “unfair” etc

I think he has got his daughter believing they will be moving in to my house too. They live in a two bedroom house.

AIBU??

Love this article but have no idea what she's on about with the war rugs. I Googled them and still have no idea why an older single LAT is prone to having one.

I was stupid enough to be guilted into letting my boyfriend move into my home when I was younger. He deliberately gave his rental to his mother and became homeless and instead of saying 'your choice', I was manipulated into him living with me before I was ready. He turned out to be a user. No surprise. I'd be questioning your whole relationship with this person.

I think you are great to stand firm, OP and let this BF know it’s not happening. He can take that information as he wants.

My DH is alive and well but I already know if anything was to happen I would never again live with a man, wouldn’t matter who they are. I can’t imagine dealing with all that again. No thank you.

Cocklodger.

When she leaves home he'll have the house to himself :-).

However the child is only 12, it's a long way off!

Methinks this man is on another planet.

Omg that one was wild was there ever a third thread?

It’s reasonable to think you might live with the person you’re dating at some point. But he shouldn’t have taken it as a given. ! It’s also v unreasonable to have a strop about it. Well he knows where he stands now you get to see how much you owning a house factors in his choice to be in a relationship with you. I wouldn’t make any promises about when his dd leaves you will let him move in . You need to see whether he loves you or the house.

I'm not sure if you have said how long he has been your boyfriend, op, but I would have thought 'no-cohabitating, each keeping own home', would have been made clear early on.

I do think he is wrong to make assumptions but many people do feel that living together is a natural progression, especially if you have great affection. They just do.

Whatever he now feels there is no way he should be thinking you are selfish. If anything, he is thinking selfishly.

I hope he calms down and understands, he might. If he doesn't, you don't need him.

I agree with this, but am surprised that it hasn’t entered the conversation up until now.
In my experience it tends to happen quite early in a setting your stall out type of way. Sentences like “I’m not planning to live with anyone ever again, and certainly dependent children or young adults would be a complete No No for me”

He's clearly an amateur at this and showed his hand way too early.

His reaction speaks volumes. It is not that of a man who is disappointed that the relationship might not be going in the direction he had hoped; it is the anger of a cocklodger thwarted.

It's fair enough to ask about future plans and possibilities, not to assume, especially when a child is involved.

He can strop right off! Cheeky fucker. At least he’s revealed himself and his motives.

Obviously he's being unreasonable but I don't understand how two grown ups can be in a year and a half relationship without ever having discussed future plans? If OP never wants to live with anyone, how did this not come up in conversation before?

Definitely wrong to presume and then call you selfish and go about the conversation that it's a given.

However after 18 months you both should have been starting to have the conversation about long term plans surely? For most people that is moving in together. If zero intention ever then you should have also been clearer.

And the first time he mentioned it was when he said he'd have to change his daughter's school as if it was a done deal. Thats not the same as starting a reasonable discussion on living together.

How refreshing to read a thread where the @Trombolice

I don’t think a year and a half is that long, especially when you are older and have kids involved. A lot of people would not even think about introducing a new partner to their child until many months or a year of dating, to protect everyone’s feelings. Also why the rush, unlike when you’re younger and you have life goals such as buying a house together and starting a family. Later life relationships can be much more slow and relaxed, and as many posters have said, there are benefits to living apart, assuming you can afford it.

🤣 Oh for goodness sake. There I was earlier in the week extolling the virtues of coconut oil, and here I am - a slippery premature poster.

At least you know his end game. He's probably wondering what is wrong!

As a single Mum who's children have 'flown the nest'... No fucking way am I parenting another through hormones or even entertaining a man who assumes he's moving in.

Never.

Why does his daughter live with him why doesnt she live with her mum, why doesnt he have a mortgage,

@ChaToilLeam I love the expression 'amateur cocklodger'.

We could have Professional Cocklodger
Apprentice Cocklodger, Veteran Cocklodger.

I dated a guy for a year and he asked for a key to let himself in as we were going out seperately, we werent living together, next day i asked for key back and he said oh i thought id moved in!!! I ended relationship and said you havnt even asked to move in or ask to marry you, he then asked me to marry him 4 times and i said no!!!

YANBU!! Woah, he sounds like he had a whole plan by now! What a cheecky f-er!

True. But this is usually partnered with discussions first about where they’re going to live, would op move nearer child’s school, jointly rent or buy, etc, not for dp to unilaterally decide that him and his daughter was going to move in with op. Had he been apologetic, and backtracked, saying that that was what he was hoping they were working towards, it would have been different, but instead he got in a huff.

What a twunt

No you are completely correct. I wouldn’t date anyone with dc because I have my own and there seems to be an unwritten narrative that women need to look after men and their dc. It’s sad because I don’t think I can live with anyone for this reason. However I think I’m happier for it. Your home and life why would you make it more complicated for yourself. He sounds like he is with you for the wrong reasons - money. I have a partner I just don’t want to live with him.

so he expects to move in 6-8 years time? No “I will start saving for a mortage so we can buy a house together?” 😂🥴 Op he’s clearly after your house & money. If anything happened to my DH and I was left living alone, I would do the same thing your doing. You gotta protect yourself from cocklodgers these days, seems there’s more & more of them popping up!