AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Genuine question, why not? Food is amazing! Eating food is really, really enjoyable. Why wouldn't people want to do it? It's not just something done by people who are lacking joy and contentment in their lives, surely!

Honestly it’s alarming that you think he’s over reacting to mind and be upset. Tbh I think it’s toxic of you to want to minimise his distress.

I suggested to DH a few years ago that we go off UPFs seed oils and other things. This means he does it 100% and, recently, I do it 50%. He comments that he won't eat "junk" (which is what I taught him!) so I am ashamed that a) I eat "junk" b) like it so much c) eat so much of it, sometimes d) am going back on the whole trend I started in my own house..lol!

So, sometimes, I will buy "junk" food and eat it in the car and come back and tell him what I did. Mostly because I know he will find the crumbs I leave in his seat and he's sat in melted chocolate before but, also, because he can't embarrass me or stop me if I've already done it.

Even though I'm not putting on weight, I very well could if I didn't manage it like I do, but I definitely see where you would be embarrassed or maybe just don't want to be told what to do or reminded that what you do is leading to an undesirable result that, in the moment, doesn't matter but you regret afterwards.

Maybe you don't regret it, I don't know?

Just saying, I get it. It's okay to tell him you're weak to certain foods or just like them and want more of them. Just don't complain to him about weight gain. He will tell you to eat less and this will piss you off, even though he's correct, and you know it but have to want to do it.

Ok so are you saying that people eat mc Donald’s and junk food etc and are NOT embarrassed about it? Maybe I do have a problem!

You need to look further into the reasons though. If it was happiness and comfort and then just pregnancy you wouldn’t be eating whole extra meals on the sly and hiding it.

You need to really think about what you’re getting out of the bingeing and why you’re doing it. Stress or grief, do you feel unfulfilled in some way or unhappy? Something is behind it

Overeating like that is an addiction, and you are showing the levels of deceit that sufferers of other addictions also employ, i.e. lying over long periods/hiding the evidence/being very defensive/minimising when found out. Of course he's upset - he's discovered his wife is an addict and is disappointed at the level of deceit. He'll probably be supportive again as soon as you recognise that you need to address this openly and honestly.

No, I don't think that is normal behaviour.

The issue isn't the food.

OP, he's not overreacting.

It sounds like you have the beginnings of a binge-eating disorder. If you are routinely buying certain types of food and eating it in secret in your car and then hiding the wrappers, that is a very major sign of some quite serious psychological issues around food.

You've gained weight to the point where you're worried about your health and are embarrassed by your appearance. He, clearly, knows that, and has probably had to deal with the emotional effect that has on you. All the while, you've been giving him a completely false impression of how you got to that point in the first place.

I completely sympathise with you re. your weight issues and your concealed comfort-eating. I've been there. But your DH is absolutely right to be concerned and I think you're very much in denial about your problem. The problem isn't your weight in itself (although obviously that's certainly having a negative effect on you). Your problem is that you have a form of eating disorder.

Why would I be embarrassed? I occasionally eat it as a one off maybe every 2-3 months. I understand nutrition and know that it’s not the best food but I understand that food is more than the sum of its parts for humans and that the occasional UPF won’t hurt me. I eat well otherwise so why would I feel negatively about eating a burger?

People generally only feel embarrassed when they feel they don’t ‘deserve’ the item. Such as if eating it is combined with an unhealthy overall diet or contributing to their ill health or obesity.

I'm responding to another commentator. I realise that the OP's DH's reaction isn't about the food.

What Do you want to happen now OP?

Do you want help from him? Is this perhaps a turning point?

What an astonishingly naive thing to say.

I've asked another commentator the same thing. Why does there have to be something behind it? Food is delicious. It's really enjoyable to eat. It's not that deep!

OP doesn’t sound particularly happy. Or why would she keep it secret? Throw away the wrapper? Struggle with her health?

I quite like a drink occasionally. But if I drank excessively, felt the need drink in secret / keep alcohol consumption a secret (even though my husband was not in principle opposed to drinking/alcohol) and admitted that my health was suffering due to the amount of alcohol I was consuming…

would you still write the same?

and yes, I am saying this as somebody who is very familiar with disordered eating unfortunately.

Can you explain why?

Do you not enjoy food? I do!

He needs to forget the lying and look at the disordered eating. I was a sneaky eater and hit 30 stone. I've now lost 15st and recently had a gastric bypass to get the rest off.

Your partner needs to be united and supportive in getting you to seek help from a GP and counsellor, if you are extremely overweight. If it's a matter of a stone or two, then I'd roll my eyes a bit at this and see it as controlling.

However, your husband needs to not make it about him - The focus is -you-. You need help and he needs to find out the best way to help you.

I feel the same way about red wine, really enjoy it a lot.

However I would worry if I started regularly doing it alone and in secret and hiding the evidence…

You can’t argue with the fact that there is a limit to the amount of food a person can eat before it becomes unhealthy. That is especially true of junk food.

You are trolling. If you are actually this obtuse, go ask ChatGPT to explain to you what’s going on with someone like OP and stop trying to waste the time of real human beings.

I'm not saying it's not unhealthy to binge/overeat, I'm just asking why it's a foregone conclusion that it's a response to some underlying psychological issue?

It's possible to lose weight without trying due to illness. And, more rarely, to put it on.
There are genuine cases where people eat next to nothing and put on weight, but lots of fatshaming people seem to act like that isn't possible, so I wonder if he's been very worried that you could have, eg a thyroid disorder, and now feels upset that he's been worrying for nothing?
Or it money-eating a lot of that food can be expensive?

Why does it have to be like it never happened? You obviously think it’s wrong. That must tell you something.

I could have written this post myself years ago, that was my life, especially as I traveled around in car for my job, I even remember hiding so many food wrappers in my bedroom as a child. Crying to a doctor that I was always gaining weight, because I was in complete denial that I was in fact being “good” with my eating, maybe once those wrappers were secretly binned they didn’t count in my head, who knows!

But around 6 years ago I took the huge step of having gastric sleeve surgery along with counselling and a lot of work on myself. The jabs didn’t exist back then, but I’d have definitely tried them first.

Food=guilt to me and I couldn’t even eat in front of people because of how big and ashamed I was. But the constant head hunger and cravings never stopped until I took the surgery route. Don’t get me wrong, it is not an easy fix and it doesn’t even work for some people but I’m not ashamed to admit that I needed that help and I took it, funded it myself and have maintained a 12 stone loss for years now. I see food completely differently, nothing is off limits, I just don’t put pressure on myself and even now I sometimes have to remind myself to eat. Food doesn’t rule my life and I’m a better person, wife, mum etc…because I am happy and not constantly ashamed and avoiding living my life.

I would be completely honest and open with your husband, be accountable and try to not minimise the fact that you have been misleading him but are committed to turning things around and doing what it takes to build that trust back.

Good Luck xx

Kindly OP you’re underreacting you have a pretty serious eating disorder which has led you to eating utter rubbish whenever you get the chance. Do you really believe rubbish food with no nutritional content and a direct correlation to dire health outcomes is “a treat”? Please see your GP as a first step and aim for recovery.

Do you think he’s worried about the possibility that you have an ED or something else going on that you’re unwilling to address?

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight over the years and it was definitely down to emotional eating. I lived by myself then, now with DP my habits are a lot better. I do love a takeaway on the rare occasion I’m home alone, but it’s not a secret. I think the secrecy of it is probably what’s concerning him.