AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

Op I’m going to send you a private message.

This is your moment to ask for help OP and be super honest with your DH.

OP, I see you have had a lot of response and so i'm not sure if you will read this but I don't want you to spiral from this. I also have an unhealthy relationship with food. I used to be on my feet with 2 jobs for about 50 to 60 hours a week before I had my child. It was easy not to snack or eat rubbish and stay under 9 stone. 6 years later, as a single mother who is often bored in the evening, sat on the sofa watching rubbish on the tv, eating rubbish food tends to happen too and so does the weight gain that goes along with it. I've recently tried keeping my hands and brain a bit more busy by colouring in the evening, it helps a little but I know I need to be more intentional with my food choices. I don't have a husband to keep me accountable but I do have a child who I want to be healthy for and who I want to be a good role model for. It sounds like you also have some reasons in your life to make some healthier choices op. I believe we can do it. I wish you all the best op. You are not alone.

I’ve had to vote YANBU because I do the same thing. But I know we’re both unreasonable really.

@LPLJS95 yes I would be bothered, not that he kept it from me, but because I would be desperately concerned that he couldn’t stop leading to him being morbidly obese in the future causing a multitude of health issues and disabilities which doesn’t just affect him but the whole family.

Yes, I’d be bothered, really bothered.

You cannot diagnose a binge eating disorder and neither can I. Alot of people are very over weight, it doesn't mean they have an 'eating disorder' though.

You are not talking about the right things. Your "hunger" is overwhelm, emotions, stress, whatever. Get on the weight loss injections if you can. Work on the other stuff with a professional.

If you're secretly eating to the point you've doubled your body weight, you have an eating disorder.

I think it’s fair to say that hiding in your car, eating a large quantity of junk food, hiding the evidence and lying to her husband about it probably counts as having an eating disorder.

I hardly think the semantics matter though, her consumption has taken her to a weight at which she is likely to experience severe health issues.

@LPLJS95 whilst I did select YABU and I can understand why you husband is narked, I am where you are right now. Just under 19 stone, mat leave, Covid has a lot to answer for, and always having to be a working parent, idk about you but it lands differently for husbands lol!! (I’m not generalising here but for example I can think of two weekend mornings this year where I’ve had a lie in….🤷‍♀️) I’ve put on 5 stone since I had my son (I lost weight whilst pregnant believe it or not) but a Covid bound mat leave meant I was comfort eating, and that hasn’t stopped! I’m feeling totally sympathetic and I’m hoping things have improved with your husband OP?

Can I suggest booking an MOT with your GP. Also, a little trip to the weight loss forum if you’re wanting to get your head around advice and ideas to help lose weight. Perhaps if you can show your husband you have some determination to lose the weight,
and apologise and explain why you have been the way you’ve been about the secret eating, then it might help him process it. I do hope he supports you OP.

And…being a working mum is bloody hard!!

I think technically it is disordered eating, but I’m also not sure it’s an eating disorder either, they are different things.

sometimes we just get into bad habits, are greedy, get enjoyment and comfort, and the op is clear she just eats what she wishes.

She also didn’t say she was eating large quantities, as you don’t need to, she’s eating three squares a day, but sitting in her car with a kfc and some cake doesn’t necessarily mean a large quantity of food but a lot of cals , you do this most days, and you’re going to end up like the op is.

I’m not sure she’s coming back though, I’m not sure she’s in the right mindset yet, and likely doesn’t want to hear it, as much as she’s said she wants to get the weight off, there doesn’t appear any drive to do so, and in fact her op was more she was annoyed she’d even told her husband, as clearly she wishes to continue.

You say you regret being honest with him but it's dishonesty that's been your problem. Why were you hiding the fact you've been eating? Is it because of the money aspect? Or do you have a really unhealthy relationship with food that you don't want to admit to? The way you describe it is very much like an alcoholic who pretends they don't drink. So if it is an addiction, now your secret is out you need to find help for it and explain that is what it is to your husband and hopefully he can support you. I think you're still a bit in denial and are hoping to find people on here who will tell you you've done nothing wrong but responses are overwhelmingly telling you otherwise so please don't continue to fool yourself.

You have posted on here, hoping that people will agree with you, then you won't feel bad about, lying to your husband, being deceitful, as he supports you. He is the not wrong one, you are. Just turn it around, how would you feel if he did the same to you?

It doesn't seem like @LPLJS95 is coming back.

However, we seem to have gone a bit wayward into debates about defining binge eating and whether or not posters are being a bit harsh if they don't experience disordered eating themselves.

Whether this is binge eating or not, it is definitely disordered. That much is clear and is something OP needs to address with a medical professional.

What OP has been doing needs calling out - she's been lying to her partner on several levels. If the shoe was on the other foot and we were talking about her DH and alcohol, not food, everyone would be up in arms telling her to LTB. We can sympathise with the situation OP is in with her relationship with food whilst still calling out the deceit. And yes, I have experienced disordered eating for many many years.

OP asked if her husband was overreacting. He isn't. Whatever your standpoint on the rest of it, he is watching his wife slowly kill herself whilst lying to both him and herself. I would be concerned if he didn't have a strong reaction

I think that the OP has realised that an AIBU thread with this sort of title and opening post is not the kind of thread where she is going to get any support for her disordered eating. Any continued engagement is likely just to trigger another round of being told that she’s firmly in the wrong, which she already knows. And it will attract more of the general “have a pop at fat people” posts too.

I think this depends on your definition of support. For me I see a huge amount of support with people trying to help her. Support is not just there there dear.

I know a couple in this situation, she was tiny when they met, about a size ten, petite, loved socialising and she’s now the ops weight and has been for a very long time.

she’s only in her forties but both her knees have gone, they need replacing, they won’t do it unless she loses weight, and she won’t or can’t. Her spine is also giving up, the disks grinding against each other.

She now seldom goes out, we see her about once a year, she walks with a stick and is in chronic pain. She no longer works and hasn’t for years as she wished to be a stay at home mum,

she hates the way she looks and has developed anxiety, he is now effectively her carer, It’s so bad their teenage sons asked him why he didn’t leave as he also deserves a life. He won’t leave her as he doesn’t think she is able to cope alone as she has other health issues like sleep apnea , high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc, she refuses to engage with doctors unless she is forced to ie due to pain.

she steadfastly refuses to change her eating habits, she even drinks full fat Coke, when we’ve tried to talk to her gently about it, she says she eats what she wishes when she wishes and won’t be constrained. And I’ve seen it, normal meals then cake, crisps, ice cream, chocolate. Not bingeing, she just eats with no restraint. Whatever she wishes when she wishes.

he still goes out, socialises etc, and now he’s found a girlfriend, something I’m struggling a little with, she comes to events with us, she knows fhe situation, that he’s now her carer, and he won’t leave her due to it, it’s such a sad situation, and no different to watching an alcoholic or drug addict slowly kill the selves.

so support is sometimes telling someone straight, because if they don’t get it sorted they will end up with a very small world and poor health, chronic pain, very few people can have a bmi of 50 and come out of it unscathed. After a number of years your health starts to decline and fast. The op is young, she can turn it round, drugs exist to help her, but only she can do it.

Oh yes, I don't think many people think that support means uncritical sympathy. The OP has had a lot of sensible advice, that's not what I'm referring to. It's the ones that just want to rip a strip off her that are not helpful. And the thread has reached the point where no one reads the whole thing so it just goes round in circles.

It sounds like he's more upset you lied to him & weren't honest about your eating habits rather that what you're eating.

Thank you everyone, i havent had chance to get on over the weekend but i've caught up on every post and i genuinely appreciate all the advice.

I know my weight is bad, i know not being honest with my husband about everything is. I know ive had some people questioning how i can go from slim to the size i am now, but I can see other people who've posted who've gone through the same thing. I'm not using that as an excuse, just making the point that its not that unusual. That doesnt make me any less embarrassed or ashamed about it every time i look in the mirror or get on the scales.

OP, please just get yourself better. Only you can do it.

I know it's hard, but try and stop the feeling of shame and replace it with a determination to get better.

Good to see you back, OP.

You’re right, the secret eating is not that uncommon, though I do want to say, gently, that the amount of weight you’ve put on and the speed of it IS unusual. Yours is a severed case. And that means the impact it’s having on you is similarly severe.

Know what’s also true? It doesn’t have to stay like this. Whether it’s therapy, injections, surgery, OA, something else, or some combination - people can and do recover from these kinds of problems.

Please don’t allow “lots of people do this” to mean “therefore I will carry on as I’m in good company.”

You might not be the only one it happens to but you can do something about it, starting today, and change your life for the better. I think you need to involve your husband if you can . Build bridges and trust. Join Slimming World or similar, where you get weighed every week. Amazing how that keeps you on track. Good luck.

Please don't be ashamed. Looking back won't help. You need to accept where you are and move forwards. Focus less on your size, more on rebuilding healthy habits, like avoiding fast food and secret eating and moving more. One small step at a time. Ask your husband for help, its so necessary when you have kids. Sounds like you have a pretty good base of healthy meals, if you can find something to replace your secret trips for take aways. Good luck.

OP addiction thrives in secrecy. Please tell your DH the truth and let him help you by talking.

You could also join a SMART group live or online to get professional addiction support - people can be addicted to food as well as alcohol, drugs and gambling.

Help IS out there. You can change your life with help.

What @PuzzledObserver said.