AIBU to think my DH is overreacting about my eating habits?

[LPLJS95]

This is genuinely mortifying to post but here goes.

I’ve put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years since marriage and having kids. DH and I eat pretty normally at home, we have family meals together, don't live on takeaways etc, and from the outside people probably wonder how I've managed to put on as much as I have.

The problem is that I’ve developed some really bad habits over the years. If I'm out running errands, driving home from work, doing the food shop etc, I'll often stop and get food. McDonald's, Greggs, KFC, chocolate from the petrol station, coffee and cake, whatever takes my fancy really. Usually I'll eat it in the car before I get home and throw the evidence away.

I also order takeaways when I'm home alone and get rid of the packaging before he's come back. It's become a bit of a habit if I'm honest.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions, DH has never been controlling about food and has never made nasty comments about my weight. If anything he's always come across as supportive.

Anyway, the other day he borrowed my car and found loads of wrappers and receipts that I'd forgotten to clear out. He asked me about it when I got home and I ended up admitting that this has been going on for ages.

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

I feel completely embarrassed and wish I'd never been as honest with him as I was

AIBU to think he's making too much of this, or would you also be bothered if your partner had been secretly eating like this for years?

My understanding is that disordered eating often features secrecy. It might be a good thing that it is out in the open with your partner, could be a chance to start fighting the secret element, which down the road might lead to getting the other disorders bits under better control?

Thanks really helpful 🙄

binge eating disorder must be the last remaining mental illness which elicits such hateful comments and lack of empathy

@oliviaAustin would you say the same to someone with depression?

She’s posted asking for thoughts on her husband’s reaction. People are replying saying they can understand it and wondering why she can’t. You telling posters off for not being experts on eating disorders is daft. You don’t know anything about the people posting.

I do this too and thought everyone does it?

I can understand why he is annoyed that you complain about putting on weight , (when it’s obvious why you are putting on weight,) but other than that you don’t have to tell anyone, or ‘disclose ’ what you are eating? It’s private?

Anytime I get a take away or mc Donald’s I throw the wrappers in the bin in public and say out loud ‘now it’s like it never happened!’ I thought everyone did this because people always laugh when I do it.

If the reaction is total fury accompanied by demands, then every fear that drove the secrecy and the behaviour will be realised. It makes me feel panicked even thinking about that kind of response to being discovered in this way. It isn't going to help anyone, or improve matters, but it might irrevocably damage the relationship and further embed the disordered behaviour.

Why do you think he is making too much of an issue? How would you rather have him react? Perhaps you are some kind of denial about the quantity and quality of food you are eating, as you start your post by saying you don't eat takeaways. I understand the temptation to have junk food. Given that you are secretly over consuming, perhaps therapy to address the underlying issues might help. In the meanwhile, be honest with your husband, without any defensiveness. It's not pleasant but it has to be done. Instead of eating full junk meals separate to your main meals, maybe add an element of junk food as a side to a healthy meal. For eg., a portion of fries or nuggets. It's hard to suddenly stop such a habit.

I think one of the strongest emotions at play here is “shame”. There’s a good phrase that isn’t mine but I read it with regard to some of my own (different) issues:
Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces
I think it’s time you had an open and honest conversation with your DH about your eating, and look at ways together that you can get support and help for the things that lead you into this type of behaviour.

I can see why his initial reaction would be to be hurt that you’re hiding this from him. However if he is a decent partner, I would expect him to get past that fairly quickly and want to engage with why you are eating like this, and how he can help you. It’s not difficult to see why someone would hide behaviour that they clearly can’t control and aren’t proud of. It’s really very different from lying about an affair or whatever. His anger isn’t going to serve any purpose, so I hope he’s able to park it and take a more supportive approach.

My point above remains, you don't have to be an expert on eating disorders to know that it is a mental health issue and not just a greed issue.

Surely people know this, or is it just easier to blame fat people for being fat?

Sorry love. It's like an alcoholic's family finding the empty bottle stash. As a disordered eater I really sympathise with you, but I don't think he's over reacting.

(To clarify I think over eaters abuse only themselves whereas alcoholics tend to cause widespread chaos, but the mechanism is similar).

I think you're focusing on DH because you're still trying to live in denial. If you think about his reaction a lot, you don't have to think about your disordered eating and unhappiness. Which is completely normal with any addiction or compulsion.

Try instead feeling relief that your DH knows and you can be open about what's actually happening and maybe do something about it.

It's no better than lying about a gambling issue/smoking/drugs. We just expect people to tiptoe around junk food more because we shouldn't "fat shame". You have a habit which is damaging your health and you have been hiding it from your husband.

Thank you everyone (or at least everyone who has tried to be constructive!)

It probably is something we need to talk about properly. While hes always been supportive of me, I do think it is an issue of the weight for him as well as the secrecy/lying - its just that he doesnt want to admit to that.

if you’re completely honest with yourself do you think he IS actually making too much of it @LPLJS95 ?

He’s been clear he feels deceived (which you have freely admitted to doing).

He’s been supportive when you have been pretending you can’t understand why you have put on so much weight, but all this time you did know. Relationships are built on trust and honesty and you’ve not upheld your end of the bargain. I’d be pissed if any joint money was going on a habit like this, too, as well as the lying.

Are you mostly upset because he’s called you out and you feel ashamed? And now it makes it harder for you to continue, because you can’t feign ignorance any more? You might have to stop this habit and do something about your weight? And that’s probably quite a hard thing to face… therapy as suggested by PP may help.

No, not everyone does it. It's really unhealthy (psychologically well as physically) to feel you need to dispose of evidence after eating and pretend it didn't happen.

You're a problematic eater who is putting on weight while deceiving her partner, not to mention the money. In what world is he unreasonable?

You’re defensive because it’s a sore subject.

But he’s obviously right to be upset.

my mum used to do this but her snacking and eating was in the open. She’d literally mumble the words ‘I’ve got no idea why I’m putting weight on’ through a mouthful of snacks.

And got very angry if I pointed out that she was constantly eating.

its an emotional subject. But he’s got every right to be upset

i hope you can tackle this habit/ addiction for sll
of your sakes,

He wasn't angry exactly, but he seemed really upset. He said it wasn't even about the food, it was the fact I'd been hiding it and acting as though I had no idea why I was putting weight on.

He's right, it's the deceit/lying by ommision, pretending you have no idea why you are putting weight on when you do know.

I got defensive and said that what I eat is my business.

It is, but you are deliberately hding it and being dishonest about the cause of your weight gain.

His argument is that I've basically been lying by omission for years and that he feels a bit stupid because whenever I'd complain putting on weight I'd conveniently leave out the daily snacks, drive-thrus and secret takeaways.

Again he's right, you complain to him about putting on weight and hide the cause. You cannot expect to complain about putting on weight, pretend to be shocked and not understand why you are when you are knowingly eating substantial amounts outside of your normal eating routine, he feels like you've treated him as a fool.

What concerns me though is why you are secretly eating and hiding the evidence? What is driving this need? I think you need to focus on and unravel that raher than being angry at your husband.

Yeah sorry OP but I can see his point, you were kind of making a fool of him by acting like you had no idea why you were putting weight on when you knew exactly why you were. He was probably trying to figure out how to help you when all the while there was nothing to figure out....

Yes, it's the discovery of an addiction, essentially.

This is probably a good thing, OP, however uncomfortable. You need to take your disordered eating seriously. It's easy to sideline it, because, unlike drugs and alcohol, you're not putting others at risk/visibly out of control/doing anything illegal, food is 'safe' and 'private' and can go under the radar.

But it's clearly serving a function in your life, and you should look into what its role is.

Thats probably part of it yeah. I am embarrassed by it and my weight and body, so theres shame in it being front and centre.

It’s the deceit really, I had this behaviour and I really was a secret eater. My dh knew though and never asked me about it so I had no need to lie and I never really complained about my weight. I just kept quiet.
Ive turned it all around now though and we do laugh about it. Hopefully that’s where you will both get to

He is worried and scared, Your binge eating is serious and you need help. It could kill you OP. You need to contact a person or organisation for help OP.

How is that helpful?